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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689480">Two Gauls (and a dog!) in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JediBatman/pseuds/JediBatman'>JediBatman</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Astérix le Gaulois | Asterix the Gaul &amp; Related Fandoms, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asterix typical violence (not very much), Comedy (with a little action just for the fun of it!), Gen, No Sex, Parody (mostly)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:20:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>51,112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JediBatman/pseuds/JediBatman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Armitage Hux and Julius Caesar agree to a plan of action that will make Hux the leader of the First Order and Caesar Emperor of Rome respectively. </p><p>But there are great obstacles Caesaer and Hux need to overcome if they want to succeed in their plans: a Jedi Master, a skilled Resistance pilot and ... one small village of indomitable Gauls that still holds out against the Roman invaders!</p><p>Will Caesar and Hux succeed in their immoral and ambitious plans? Or will the combined strength, skill, use of the Force and strategic thinking of Asterix, Obelix, Luke Skywalker, Poe Dameron (and the legendary dog Idefix) stop them?</p><p>(This is Part One, I am currently writing Part Two!)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leia Organa/Han Solo (mentioned), Obelix/Phasma, Poe Dameron/Amilyn Holdo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Armitage Hux meets Julius Caesar.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pan_2000/gifts">Pan_2000</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story answers some very important and some very unimportant questions. Some examples.</p><p>a) How did Poe Dameron survive after his escape in the Force Awakens when he crashed into the desert? (That's an important question).</p><p>b) Why did that "lovely" Resistance officer have purple hair? (You know who. You also know this is classified as an unimportant question).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was nine p.m. and the sun had just set on the planet where the Starkiller Base was located. General Armitage Hux stood up from his desk, approached a big mirror on the wall and checked his hair and his uniform for the hundredth time.</p><p>"I have the looks of a General," Hux told his idol on the mirror, a big smile on his face. "I will certainly make a good impression to my friend Julius." With those thoughts in mind, he opened his office door and headed to a secret location within the base.</p><p>A few minutes later, Hux was in front of a small metallic door, strong enough to withstand a direct hit from a rocket launcher. Nine stormtroopers and a tall, blonde female officer were standing in front of it.</p><p>"Attention!" the officer ordered the moment General Hux approached the door.</p><p>"At ease," Hux ordered. "Open the door, Captain Phasma."</p><p>"Yes, General," Captain Phasma said and did as ordered. Hux noticed something strange in her: her hair was purple!</p><p>The door opened and Hux and Phasma entered the room next to it. A big rectangular object that looked like a door was in the middle of it.</p><p>"This is our hyperspace portal General. My platoon and I tested it till we made it work. We managed to land on a planet in a galaxy far, far away named Earth."</p><p>"Did anyone of your troops refuse to cooperate?" Hux asked.</p><p>"No General," Phasma said. "After all, your orders were that we would either test the portal or we would get volunteered to clean the garbage compactor on a daily basis."</p><p>"I am so glad you and your platoon were so cooperative Captain," Hux said, a big smile on his face. "So, what were the results?"</p><p>"Our first attempt was a partial failure," Phasma said. "Troopers FN-2181 and FN-2182 found Earth but they missed Rome and landed on a place called China."</p><p>"The second attempt?"</p><p>"Our second attempt was a bit better. FN-2183 and FN-2184 landed on a place called India. It was still far away from Rome but at least we got closer."</p><p>"The third one?"</p><p>"We were even more successful. FN-2185 and FN-2186 landed within the borders of the Roman empire. Unfortunately, the city we found was named Jerusalem and it was thousands of kilometers away from Rome, so we had to try again."</p><p>"And?" Hux asked.</p><p>"We made more careful calculations and we landed on a very beautiful city, full of monuments and a very high level of sophistication and civilization. FN-2187 and FN-2898 were impressed. There was that great temple named Parthenon and..."</p><p>"I didn't know Rome had such a temple," Hux said.</p><p>"Well," Phasma said "that city was not Rome but Athens. It is closer to Rome than Jerusalem but still too far away to walk."</p><p>"So did you find Rome?" Hux asked, a bit impatient. Phasma seemed too eager to talk.</p><p>"Yes. FN-2189 and I did the fifth attempt and we landed outside Rome's city walls. Fortunately, we reached the city a few hours before Julius Caesar was about to see us so I went to see a hairdresser there and..."</p><p>Hux looked at Phasma's head. That was why she had purple hair!</p><p>"Purple hair is the latest trend in Rome!" Phasma said, full of enthusiasm. Hux gave her an annoyed look that made her stop talking for a few seconds.</p><p>"Our mission was a success General," Phasma said, returning to the topic. "We met Julius Caesar, arranged a meeting with him and installed a portal in his palace. The moment you step in it, you will immediately be there."</p><p>"Good," Hux said. "Remember, this is a classified project and you should not talk to anyone about it. If you fail to do it, I will punish you and your platoon."</p><p>"Will you send us all to clean the garbage compactor?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"No, don't worry," Hux said in a reassuring tone. "nothing so cruel. I will just execute you all with firing squad. See you in a few hours," he said and stepped into the portal.</p><p>Phasma wondered whether Hux really meant it about the execution or whether he had a strange sense of humor. Probably he meant it, she thought.</p><p>Stepping into a hyperspace portal was actually simple, effortless, and painless. After Armitage Hux entered it in Starkiller Base he was immediately transported to Rome, inside a small but luxurious room that looked like a warehouse.</p><p>
There were many items there that caught Hux's attention, such as olive branches and amphorae of olive oil from a place called Greece, small marble and golden pyramids from a place called Egypt, golden coins from various locations and other such items of interest. What caught Hux's attention though were a sword, a spear and a dagger with an inscription above them: Vercingetorix.</p><p>Hux had read about the name and the story: Vercingetorix had been a Gaulish leader who had fought against Julius Caesar. In the end he had lost, surrendering himself and his weapons to the victorious General.</p><p>(Unfortunately for Caesar, the shield had been stolen and after a lot of adventures had ended in the hands of a Gaulish village chief somewhere in northern Gaul. That village remained the only part in Gaul Caesar had failed to occupy with his legions, something that bothered Caesar to no end).</p><p>Seeing nothing more of interest, Hux exited the room. An old servant of Caesar was waiting for him.</p><p>"Good evening General Hux," the servant said. "The General is waiting for you."</p><p>The old servant started walking and General Hux followed. They passed through corridors, climbed stairs, and kept moving towards Caesar's palace atrium were the legendary Roman General was waiting for his dignified visitor. Hux was impressed about how tasteful and classy Caesar's palace was. The marble floors and statues, the beautiful frescoes on the walls that depicted victorious battles between Rome and its enemies and the vast stairs, rooms and corridors were all combined in an harmonic whole that both intimidated Caesar's visitors and forced them to admire his excellent taste.</p><p>"I really need to build a palace like that for me," Hux told himself. The servant next to him smiled.</p><p>"I am sure General Caesar will have a lot of good suggestions to give you sir," the servant said.</p><p>After some more walking (Hux wondered whether the servant had orders from Caesar to deliberately prolong the distance to further impress him), the two men reached the atrium. A group of servants were there, carrying big plates of food and amphorae with water and wine.</p><p>Standing at the one end of the table, a tall, middle-aged man was smiling. He was wearing a white toga that gave him an air of serenity and dignity. He radiated strength and confidence with every move of his body. Hux started approaching him.</p><p>"Good evening noble General Hux," the confident man said. "It is an honor and a pleasure for me to be with us tonight."</p><p>"Good evening noble General Caesar," Armitage Hux replied. "The honor is all mine."</p><p>"Please have a seat at my humble and frugal table General," Caesar said. Of course 'frugal' was the wrong way to describe a table with two big amphorae of wine, one big plate with roasted wild boar, another one next to it with six roasted chickens, two huge bowls of lettuce salad, another plate with some exotic foods, and two bowls of soup standing in front of them, plus many other foods Hux didn't bother observing.</p><p>Hux smiled. "Despite its frugality, the food really seems delicious to me General." Caesar gestured for him to sit down and both men sat down to enjoy their 'frugal' dinner.</p><p>While Hux and Caesar were eating, they kept their conversation to small talk, things the Roman General wouldn't mind if his servants overheard. Soon, they were on a first name basis.</p><p>"So Armitage," Caesar said, "I only had one legion with me. But they were battle-tested veterans. Marching with them, I reached river Rubicon at the north of the Italian Peninsula, the river I was supposed to disband my armies. So what did I do?"</p><p>"You crossed the Rubicon and marched to Rome Julius," Hux said, referring to a famous incident in Caesar's career, the same incident that led him utter the immortal phrase 'Alea Jacta Est' or in modern terms 'The die is cast." In essence, Caesar had disobeyed his superiors in the Senate to seize power for himself. It was an incident Hux knew about and he wanted to emulate... from a certain point of view.</p><p>"Exactly Armitage," Caesar replied. "And I became the most powerful political figure in Rome." The two men exchanged a knowing look.</p><p>"Speaking of power Julius," Hux said, "there are some matters of mutual consideration I would like to discuss with you."</p><p>"But of course Armitage," Caesar said and dismissed the servants with a gesture. It was time to get into business.</p><p>"So, what are your aims Armitage?" Caesar asked. "I understand you come from a vastly more advanced world than mine. Earth is ancient and small compared to your Galaxy and I am sure the First Order can get all the resources they need from the millions of planets the Galaxy has."</p><p>"Well Julius," Hux said, "let's say I want to cross my own Rubicon." Caesar looked at him straight in the eyes and smiled.</p><p>"I recognize a fellow ambitious and immoral conspirator in you Armitage. I am so happy for that!"</p><p>Hux went on to describe the superweapons the Empire had produced (during Palpatine's times), giving emphasis on the Death Star, a planet-destroying space battlestation. He mentioned he was recently put in charge of Starkiller Base, where a massive superweapon was being built that could fire energy beams through hyperspace and destroy planets half a galaxy away.</p><p>"Don't worry," Hux said, "Earth is too far away to be destroyed by Starkiller Base and we can't move our superweapon through that portal. We can only send small spaceships or individual people through."</p><p>"Understood," Caesar said. "So how can I help you?"</p><p>"Julius," Hux said, "do you know what uranium is?"</p><p>"Yes, it is a mineral with unknown properties. Actually, there is a mine in Sicily we extract it from. I suppose it is valuable for your Starkiller Base project."</p><p>"Exactly. I need uranium to run nuclear reactors that will provide the base with enough energy to fire that powerful energy beam."</p><p>Hux went on to explain Caesar his plan. If the Roman General provided him with uranium, he would gain prestige within the First Order and that would solidify his position as head of Starkiller Base. Using that position, Hux would complete the construction of its superweapon and use it to hit the planet where the Galactic Senate was located.</p><p>"What if some Senators are away from the Senate building?" Caesar asked.</p><p>"Don't worry. I will blow the entire planet up just in case."</p><p>"Good thinking Armitage. You will also kill many bureaucrats that way, which is a bonus."</p><p>"You can always win when you kill bureaucrats. Now Julius, can you guess what my next step will be?" Julius Caesar gave Armitage Hux his most conspiratorial smile.</p><p>"You will use the superweapon to blow your boss up and take his place. Snoke is the name right?"</p><p>"Yes, Supreme Leader Snoke. He will be replaced by Supreme Leader Hux, who will in turn become Emperor Hux."</p><p>"You really are like me Armitage. So let me tell you my part of the story."</p><p>Julius Caesar went on to explain that just like Hux, he was ambitious. He liked the power and the privilege his rank of General gave him but he knew his position was very uncertain. If the political winds in the Senate changed, if a group of conspirators cornered him on the streets of Rome or inside the Senate building with their daggers in their hands...</p><p>"Intimidating, assassinating, exiling, bribing and other means to control people work but up to a point," Julius said. "I agree that half the fun when ruling others comes from such malevolent activities. But the fun gets old really quickly."</p><p>"Don't worry Julius. I can provide you with enough gold to bribe them for two millennia or with enough weapons to kill them all. I can also provide you with flying machines to quickly reach your troops. Just name whatever you choose and you'll have it."</p><p>"Thanks Armitage. There is also a matter of personal pride and prestige for me I would like to talk to you about and your help would be appreciated."</p><p>Julius Caesar cleared his throat and said the words everyone familiar with the adventures of Asterix and Obelix have known for ages.</p><p>"Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans. Well, not entirely... One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders. And life is not easy for the Roman legionaries who garrison the fortified camps of Totorum, Aquarium, Laudanum and Compendium."</p><p>"Yes, I undersand you have a problem there," Hux said. "So, how bad is the situation?"</p><p>"My legionnaires outnumber them twenty to one. They are also better armed and equipped. Despite this, we are constantly losing against that small village."</p><p>"How so Julius?"</p><p>"They have a druid named Panoramix who creates a magic potion for them. If your more technologically advanced troops kidnap him, the Gauls will soon run out of magic potion and I can eradicate that nuisance... and also get Vercingetorix shield back, the one their chief ended up with. It is my most precious spoil of war."</p><p>"I will send a platoon of my troops to deal with them."</p><p>"And I will send for the uranium to be delivered in Rome."</p><p>The time passed with more small talk and more wine. Julius Caesar and Hux gave ideas to each other on how to deal with some troublemakers close to them.</p><p>"That Kylo Ren of yours," Caesar said, "is indeed dangerous but naive. Just stoke his ego till your superweapon is ready. When he visits Snoke, you just kill them both."</p><p>"You can't miss when a superweapon like that," Hux said. "And as far as that Brutus of yours is concerned, I will provide you with a blaster and ammo. If he and his friends corner you, they will all die."</p><p>"Thanks for the cooperation and the company... Emperor Hux," Julius Caesar said with a big smile and a wink.</p><p>"The pleasure is all mine ... Emperor Caesar," Hux said with an equally big smile. It was always so nice when ambitious and immoral adults conspired in a friendly manner to rule their respective empires using all immoral and deadly means necessary.</p><p>"To the immoral conspirators of all ages!" Julius Caesar and Armitage Hux said in unison in a boisterous toast.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This story is devoted to the loving memory of the creators of Asterix.</p><p>- Albert Uderzo.</p><p>-  René Goscinny. </p><p>Your heroes Asterix and Obelix have been one of the best parts of my childhood. Thank you so much for that!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Obelix's dream and Hux's plan.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Obelix has a strange dream that involves banquets, a tall-blonde woman and ... women with purple hair for some reason.</p><p>At the same time, Hux orders Phasma's platoon on a mission to capture ... druid Panoramix!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In this chapter we learn the following:</p><p>a) Why did Phasma dye her hair purple and what role did a specific merchant played at that?</p><p>b) Why did Rome learn the secrets of coffee after the Roman times and not during them?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few weeks after Armitage Hux met Julius Caesar...</p><p>It was a beautiful and quiet night in our well-known and so much admired Gaulish village. Except for a few sentries on the walls and one at the village gate, the rest of the village was sleeping and snoring unafraid. After all, the only thing the Gauls were afraid of was that the sky might fall on their heads.</p><p>Fortunately, Julius Caesar could not drop the sky on their heads unless he had the Death Star. But thanks to the long distances between galaxies such a thread was nonexistent. Besides, Luke Skywalker (who blew up the first Death Star) and Lando Calrissian (who blew up the second) had eliminated that threat anyway.</p><p>One of the sleeping villagers was Obelix, a tall and handsome – according to him – man. He was a menhir creator and supplier who also accompanied his friend Asterix in many adventures throughout the Roman Empire and occasionally outside it. Next to him, his loyal dog Idefix was also sleeping and snoring. And the best part? Obelix had a beautiful dream that involved him ... and lots of food!</p><p> </p><p>In his dream, Obelix was in a banquet, like the dozens he already had joined in the past. All the village men and women were there in a big circle, sitting, chatting, drinking wine, and eating roasted wild boars. Asterix was sitting on his left and had a friendly discussion with their druid Panoramix. On his right, the village bard Cacofonix was eating and fortunately he had no desire to sing, much to everyone's relief.</p><p>Everything was like a typical banquet, except for two details that made it really different. The first one was the woman who approached him holding a big plate with a wild boar on it. She was tall, blonde, with blue eyes and really good-looking and very friendly towards him.</p><p>"This is for you Obelix," the woman said, offering him the plate. The problem was Obelix had never seen that woman before. Who was she?</p><p>The second detail was about the women in the village, the ones Obelix knew. Everyone of them had purple hair!</p><p> </p><p>A few hours later, Obelix woke up. He was a bit puzzled about the dream but he had more immediate concerns ... like going to hunt wild boars in the forest with his friend Asterix and his dog Idefix.</p><p>"Ready Idefix?" Obelix asked his trusted dog. Idefix gave him a happy bark.</p><p>"Yes I know, I like hunting myself. We are going to hunt, beat some Romans and have a great time!" And with those words, Obelix and Idefix exited their hut and went to meet Asterix.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far away... Phasma checked herself on the mirror.</p><p>"Hmm," she told herself, checking her hair. "I can do better than that." She had improved but she still needed more practice. She had dyed her hair alone but she still didn't have a uniform result. Some patches of hair were too dark and others too bright. Fortunately, she wore a helmet that covered her entire head and nobody would notice.</p><p>Just like many others in the First Order, Phasma hadn't joined for the glory of the old Empire or for a military career. She had joined for the money that would allow her to open her own business after the war. And Phasma had found the ideal job for herself!</p><p>"I will become a hairdresser in a town far away from the First Order and the war," she said, put her helmet on and exited her room. She had to meet her platoon.</p><p>Just like Phasma, the rest of her platoon wanted to leave the army when their contract was over and start their own businesses. FN-2181 wanted to become a coffee shop owner, FN-2182 wanted to become a barista in FN-2181's coffee shop, FN-2183, FN-2184, FN-2185, and FN-2186 wanted to open their own start up – they were still trying to agree on what to produce -, FN-2188 and FN-2189 wanted to open their own gym and FN-2187 wanted to become a yoga instructor in the gum the former two would open.</p><p>For that reason, she and her platoon were not exactly militaristic. She didn't yell or scream or intimidate them as many career officers did to the troops under their command. In addition, she didn't waste her troops' time and hers with silly things such as boot polish or bed inspections, things that every army in the world is somehow obsessed with.</p><p>Supposedly, her platoon was in the hyperspace portal room and working hard to maintain the portal. In reality though, they were in the portal room to idle. Supposedly, they were there under Hux's orders but since nobody dared ask him if he indeed had given such an order, they had all the luxury to just sit there and do nothing in the room.</p><p>Phasma approached the portal room door. FN-2181 was next to it. (One of the troopers in her platoon always stood outside when the rest were in, supposedly to guard the room but mostly to keep an eye in case Hux came for a visit. For fairness reasons, everyone stayed there for one hour.)</p><p>"Hello One," Phasma told him. "Are the others inside?"</p><p>"Yes, boss," FN-2181 said. "Seven," he said referring to FN-2187, "is practicing as a yoga instructor and the others agreed to let him train them."</p><p>"Good," Phasma said. "If Hux comes here, you know what to do."</p><p>"Of course. I will say his name really loudly to let you know he is here."</p><p>"Good," she said. FN-2181 opened the door and Phasma entered the room.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Asterix had joined Obelix and Idefix in their hunting expedition. It was a warm and sunny day, their mood was bright, and they were happy about the wild boars they were going to capture.</p><p>"You know Asterix," Obelix said, "things are looking really nice. But..."</p><p>"They are a little boring," Asterix said. "I know Obelix. The Romans no longer approach our village because they are afraid we will punch them and our bard Cacofonix no longer practices his music in the village so we have no reason to punch him."</p><p>"Yes, Asterix. And Cacofonix's singing in the forest is so horrible the wild boars get dizzy and it easy to capture them. I like that but it is no longer challenging."</p><p>"Yes, everyone seems so bored nowadays. Even the blacksmith and the fisherman no longer argue about the fish." Unhygienix the fisherman and Fulliautomatix the blacksmith had come to blows for the former's quality of the fish and that had happened dozens of times.</p><p>Both men stopped and looked at each other, a devilish smile on their faces.</p><p>"Are you thinking what I am thinking Asterix?" Obelix asked. Asterix gave him a smiling nod. Both men approached the blacksmith.</p><p>"Good morning Fulliautomatix," Obelix said. "It is such a nice day. The sun is sunny, the birds are singing, the fish are so fresh..." Fulliautomatix gave Obelix an amused look.</p><p>"Unhygienix's fish are never fresh," Fulliautomatix said. Asterix and Obelix looked at each other, saluted the blacksmith and kept going their way... until they 'accidentally' made a small detour in front of the fisherman's shop.</p><p>"Good morning Unhygienix," Asterix said. "It is such a nice day."</p><p>"Morning Asterix," Unhygienix replied. "Did you come to buy fish?"</p><p>"No Unhygienix, Obelix and I are going hunting." It was at that moment that Obelix 'accidentally' interfered in the discussion.</p><p>"By the way Unhygienix," Obelix said, "I think Fulliautomatix said something about your fish. I think he said they were not... fresh!" Asterix nodded in agreement.</p><p>A few minutes later, Asterix and Obelix left the village and reached the forest. They had done their duty for their fellow villagers: they had pressed Unhygienix's buttons and it was only a matter of time before an entertaining fight would start.</p><p> </p><p>Back in Starkiller Base, Captain Phasma entered the room. Her platoon was there doing yoga exercises under FN-2187's supervision.</p><p>"Now," FN-2187 said. "You stretch both legs and extend both arms as much as you can." The other seven stormtroopers did exactly that.</p><p>"Hello everyone," Phasma said. Everyone saluted her. "Two," she said referring to FN-2182. "Is there any coffee left for me?"</p><p>"Yes, the coffee machine we stole... err borrowed works perfectly. Here, I made some coffee for you boss," FN-2182 said. "I am improving my barista skills."</p><p>"That's nice Two," Phasma said sipping her coffee. "The coffee is great, you are improving indeed."</p><p>"Thanks boss. At least we have decent coffee here. The First Order coffee is so awful." Everyone gave an understanding nod.</p><p>"Now," Phasma said, "I am really happy you all volunteered to let me dye your hair. After all, I can't become a hairdresser without practice. OK all of you, stand still to examine."<br/>
Phasma carefully checked the hair of the eight stormtroopers. Half of them had light blue hair and the rest of them purple.</p><p>"It seems I did a good job," she said. All of her troopers had uniformly trimmed and dyed hair.</p><p>"By the way boss," FN-2187 asked, "why did you use purple and blue?"</p><p>"The First Order are very stingy and they don't cover travel expenses in classified projects. Fortunately, there was a Phoenician merchant called Ekonomicrisis who sold purple and blue hair dye at a discount."</p><p>"Is this why they call us a platoon while we are only a squad?" FN-2187 asked again.</p><p>"Yes, Seven," Phasma said. "They call us a platoon supposedly to honor us and have the excuse to avoid giving us more money."</p><p>Suddenly, FN-2181 who was outside the room, shouted.</p><p>"GOOD MORNING GENERAL HUX. OUR PLATOON IS INSIDE GENERAL HUX."</p><p>"Dammit," FN-2187 said, "what does Hux want?"</p><p>"The usual things. Work, more work and who knows... OK everyone. Put your helmets on to conceal your hair and pretend you are working. And hide the coffee machine." FN-2187 gave her a knowing look.</p><p> </p><p>The door opened and General Hux entered the room. The coffee machine was gone (transferred through hyperspace to Caesar's palace), everyone wore his helmet, and everyone was pretending to maintain the portal.</p><p>"Attention," Phasma ordered the moment Hux entered the room. Everyone stood in attention.</p><p>"At ease," Hux ordered. "How are we doing there?"</p><p>"We are maintaining the portal General," Phasma said.</p><p>"Very well. We now have a second portal operating. It is big enough for small spaceships to pass through it. It is not as accurate as this one and it can only remain open for small amounts of time but when you are in a spaceship it doesn't matter. Even if you are transported far away from your destination, you just fly there."<br/>
Hux exited the room and ordered Phasma and her platoon to follow him. The General had a mission for them.</p><p>"Tell your troops to prepare their things and be in the main hangar in twenty minutes." FN-2181 to FN-2189 did as ordered while Phasma followed Hux to the main hangar. FN-2187 secretly detoured back to the portal room, used the portal to go to Rome, retrieved the coffee machine and went to the hangar from another corridor.</p><p>"Phew," FN-2187 told himself upon returning from Rome. "What if Caesar and his servants had discovered and taken our coffee machine? The First Order coffee is so awful."</p><p>(And that is why Italy did not learn about coffee during Caesar's time: it was all FN-2187's – aka Finn's – fault).</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later Phasma and her platoon – including FN-2187 – were inside a big hangar. An old and used spaceship was parked in front of them.</p><p>"What is this... thing?" Phasma asked General Hux.</p><p>"This is a classic ship," a voice said from a long distance. "I have piloted it many times myself." Hux, and Phasma's platoon turned to face the owner of the voice. He was Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Snoke's personal apprentice.</p><p>"Oh, not that idiot again," Hux murmured. Phasma gave the General an understanding nod. Both had a very negative opinion about Kylo but since he was Snoke's right hand man, they had no choice but to tolerate him.</p><p>"Good morning Master Ren," Hux said. Kylo Ren approached them. Once more he was wearing his silly full face mask.</p><p>"Yes Hux," Kylo Ren said. "This spaceship is the Millennium Falcon, the most legendary spaceship in the Galaxy."</p><p>"Yes," Hux said, "it helped destroy two Death Stars. Unfortunately, they were ours."</p><p>"No matter," Ren said. "What matters is that thanks to me, the Millennium Falcon is ours. I brought it here."</p><p>"Yes," Hux said, "you did... from a certain point of view."</p><p>After Ren left them alone to go for his daily lightsaber training, Hux was ready to brief Phasma and her platoon.</p><p>"After our 'beloved' Master Ren visited us, we can focus on our mission. I chose you because the mission is classified. You are to use the Millennium Falcon to enter the big portal and go to Earth."</p><p>"Are we going to Rome?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"No," Hux replied, "you are going to a small village in a place called Gaul. Your primary mission is to kidnap the village druid named Panoramix."</p><p>"Can't the Romans kidnap him themselves?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"No," Hux said. "This village is the only part of Gaul not occupied by the Romans. They have forts around it but the Gauls are too strong for them."</p><p>"I suppose this is our primary mission," Phasma said.</p><p>"That is correct," Hux said. "In addition, you are to carry microphones and voice recording equipment to capture the voice of the village bard named Cacofonix. According to our intelligence, he practices singing in the forest surrounding the village."</p><p>"Why so General?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"His voice is so awful we can use it to torture people. Our traditional torture techniques are a bit slow so this will speed things up."</p><p>"Anything else General?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"No, that will be all. You have received a digital briefing in your datapad Captain for more info. Any other questions?" FN-2187 raised his hand.</p><p>"What happens if someone of us talks about the mission?" he asked.</p><p>"I am glad you asked that FN-2187. If anyone of you talks," Hux said matter of factly, "I execute you all for negligence" Everyone gave him a terrified look. "Including your Captain. Good luck everyone."</p><p> </p><p>A few hours later, the Millennium Falcon exited hyperspace and was in orbit above Earth. FN-2181 and FN-2182 were the pilots, FN-2183 and FN-2184 were the ship's mechanics, and the rest were manning the ship's guns or helping maintenance. Of course, there was no risk from enemy aerial activity. It would take about two millennia for the people of Earth to develop aerial and space vehicles.</p><p>It was night when the Falcon reached Earth. Using the slow and silent flight mode, it landed close to the forest surrounding the Gaulish village. The stormtroopers put a camouflage net above the ship to make it better blend it with the forest and took turns guarding it as sentries.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far away, a lonely man exited his hut and looked at the night sky.<br/>
"I have an uncertain feeling about this," Jedi Master Luke Skywalker said. "Hopefully, my friend on Earth is ready."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. "These Stormtroopers are Crazy!"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The stormtroopers start their mission to record Cacofonix and capture Panoramix. </p><p>They also learn the pleasures of Greek olive oil!</p><p>Finally, Phasma realizes there is a Gaul she really likes...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What we are going to learn in this chapter:</p><p>a) Where did the platoon find their coffee machine?</p><p>b) The advantages of hyperspace travel to Earth (and how they relate to olive oil!)</p><p>c) And some other things...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as the Millennium Falcon landed on Earth, Phasma's platoon camouflaged it with a big synthetic net. From a distance it looked exactly like the forest surrounding the Gaulish village.</p><p> </p><p>Although the stormtroopers had a druid to capture, they were not exactly in a hurry to do so.</p><p>"Remember," Phasma said. "The slower we capture Panoramix, the later we return to Hux and our 'beloved' army regulations, our 'beloved' duties, our 'beloved' daily boot polish and most of it our 'beloved' First Order food. Any comments?" FN-2187 (from now on Finn) raised his hand.</p><p>"I really think we have to make a high quality job here," Finn said in mock seriousness, "and that means we should not cut corners. We have to take our time." Everyone nodded in agreement. Why to return to the military routine so fast? After all, Armorice, the place where the Gaulish village was located, was an excellent vacation spot.</p><p>Being First Order troops, they were supposed to eat packed First Order food, the so-called MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) that had an awful taste and everyone hated them. But since they were away from their base and too far for their officers to inspect them, the troopers decided to ignore MRE and start hunting.</p><p>"According to intelligence provided by Hux," Phasma said, "there are wild boars in the forest. Who prefers boars to MRE?" Predictably, all of them raised their hands so Phasma organized hunting parties for boars.</p><p>To improve the food quality, Phasma's platoon had also purchased foodstuffs and spices from the places they had teleported to. Hidden inside the Falcon's secret compartments were bags of rice from China and small bags of pepper and cinnamon from India. There were also Greek rosemary, Greek olives and – the most important of all – Greek extra virgin olive oil.</p><p>"This olive oil is delicious," Phasma said. "And wild boars cooked with olive oil and rosemary are just great."</p><p> </p><p>Soon a routine was established. Every morning FN-2182 made them coffee, Finn trained them in yoga and Phasma combed and dyed everyone's hair to gain practice for her career as hairdresser.</p><p>"By the way," Phasma asked FN-2182, "where did you find this coffee machine? It makes excellent coffee."</p><p>"Well," FN-2182 said, "it was in Hux's office and a few months ago he renovated the office and ... somehow it was 'misplaced' ... and somehow ..."</p><p>"I am sure Hux can afford to buy another one," Phasma said, laughing. "After all, he is a General."</p><p>After the daily yoga session was over, small groups of two to three stormtroopers would enter the forest disguised as trees to avoid detection – yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds! – and hunted boars. Hunting was easy because their blasters were far superior to anything the boars had encountered in the past and one shot or two were enough to kill them. In addition, the troopers gathered plants and fruit for lunch.</p><p>A few days passed like that. The clear air, the forest, the excellent food, and most of it the fact they were away from Starkiller Base and Hux made everyone happy.</p><p>Unfortunately, that couldn't last for ever. They had to make progress soon. Fortunately, they had located the clearing where bard Cacofonix was practicing in the forest.</p><p> </p><p>"Kikirikoo!" the village rooster said. Everyone in the small Gaulish village woke up, including the village bard Cacofonix.</p><p>"Time to practice my music," the bard told himself.</p><p>After washing his face and drinking some goat milk, the bard put his clothes and shoes on, picked his musical instruments up and started descending his tree house's stairs.</p><p>Meanwhile, the rest of the village was waking up and going to work. The village blacksmith was lighting the fire in his furnace, the fisherman was putting his fish for display, and Asterix and Obelix – and the dog Idefix – were going to the forest to hunt wild boars.</p><p>"Hey Asterix!" Cacofonix said.</p><p>"Hey Cacofonix," Asterix said. "Are you going to the forest to practice your music?"</p><p>"Yes, Asterix. The Romans no longer come and visit the place. It gives me solitude that is so necessary for creativity."</p><p>"So we should better not interfere with your artistic expression while you are there," Obelix said in a sad (OK, pretending to be sad) tone. "And we will miss it."</p><p>"I know you will be both sad but solitude is so important for a creator," Cacofonix said. "And Panoramix gave me some new music pieces to practice."</p><p>"I didn't know Panoramix composes music," Asterix said.</p><p>"He doesn't," Cacofonix said and extracted some pieces of paper from one of his pockets to read a name on them. "The composer is someone named... John Williams."</p><p>Asterix and Obelix looked at each other. They had never heard that name before.</p><p>"The pieces of music," Cacofonix continued, "are a gift from someone named Luke... Skywalker whose occupation is... Jedi Master. And the pieces have some strange titles: the Jedi Theme, the Force theme, the Imperial March..." Suddenly, Cacofonix's face brightened.</p><p>"Hey," the bard asked, "would you like me to play them for you?"</p><p>"We would love to," Asterix said, "but we must go hunting. We might see you in the forest Cacofonix." Asterix, Obelix, and his dog Idefix ran to the forest, leaving the confused bard behind.</p><p>"They must be really hungry," the bard told himself and started for the forest.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, inside the Millennium Falcon...</p><p>"So here is the plan," Phasma told her platoon. "FN-2181 and FN-2182 will stay here to guard the spaceship. FN-2187, FN-2188 and FN-2189 will approach the clearing where Cacofonix practices disguised as trees. Have you tested the microphones and the recording devices?" All three of them nodded.</p><p>"The rest of us will form a perimeter outside the clearing disguised as bushes, just in case. And when Cacofonix leaves, we will go hunting for boars. Any questions?" There were none so they started.</p><p>An hour ago, the stormtroopers were in position. As soon as Cacofonix entered the clearing and started singing, the operation started with Finn, FN-2188, and FN-2189 turning their recorders on. Cacofonix was practicing the Imperial March and it sounded as if Darth Vader had strangled the orchestra!</p><p>Just in case, Phasma had ordered Finn, FN-2188, and FN-2189  to put some cotton on their ears to protect themselves from the torturous music. In addition, she had ordered them to leave their blasters in the Falcon: she didn't want them to shoot Cacofonix if his music was so awful it caused them murderous rage.</p><p>About a hundred meters away, Phasma and the rest of the platoon were also hidden and waiting. </p><p>"It is awful," one of the troopers whispered in the intercom.</p><p>"I know," Phasma replied. "But we only have to do it once."</p><p>"Two Gauls and a dog are approaching boss," another stormtrooper suddenly said. "I can see them."</p><p>"Roger that," Phasma said. "Don't move and don't shoot. Only attack if they see you."</p><p> </p><p>"I can hear Cacofonix from here," Asterix said, holding one wild boar on his shoulder.</p><p>"So do I," Obelix replied holding two boars, one on each of his shoulders.</p><p>"Let's not interrupt," Asterix said. "Art needs solitude."</p><p>"Yes Asterix," Obelix said getting the point. Both men wanted to avoid the torture in their ears as much as possible. For that reason, they hurriedly walked away not paying attention to a number of bushes that hadn't been there the previous day.</p><p>Phasma only saw Obelix for a few seconds. But these seconds were more than enough for her.</p><p>"He is so handsome. So tall, so stylish, so strong, so confident, so..." Fortunately, she had muted the intercom and nobody had heard her. It would have been very embarrassing.</p><p>For the rest of the day and the next one and the next one – and many more to come – Phasma had Obelix's vision in her mind.</p><p>"It must be love at first sight," she told herself before she went to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Two days later, druid Panoramix exited his hut and headed to the forest. So did Asterix, Obelix, and Idefix.</p><p>"Good morning druid," Asterix said upon seeing the druid.</p><p>"Good morning and good hunting," the druid Panoramix replied. "I am going to gather some mistletoe for my magic potions."</p><p>"Will you need any help?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"I don't know. Meet my at the northern part of the forest where most of the mistletoe is." Asterix, Obelix – and Idefix – saluted their druid and went to the central part of the forest where most of the wild boars were.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Phasma was briefing her troops about their next mission.</p><p>"According to our intelligence, druid Panoramix goes to the northern part of the forest to gather mistletoe. Just like the bard Cacofonix, FN-2187, FN-2188 and FN-2189 will be there disguised as trees and the rest of us will be in a perimeter around you."</p><p>"I really hope Panoramix doesn't sing," Finn said in a frightened tone. "Even with cotton in the ears his music was terrifying."</p><p>"I know," Phasma said. "After all, Hux wants to use the Cacofonix music for torture. But don't worry. The druid doesn't sing." Everyone immediately calmed down.</p><p>"When the druid enters the clearing you will approach him and ask him to come with you. If he refuses, you shoot to stun him and carry him yourselves. Any questions?" There were none so Phasma ordered them to get moving. About an hour later they were in position and waited for Panoramix.</p><p> </p><p>Panoramix reached the small clearing in the forest where most of the mistletoe was and looked around him. The place was quiet and peaceful and seemed deserted. Despite this, something seemed off.</p><p>The druid had been in that place hundreds of times. He remembered the position of every branch and every leaf of every tree around the clearing and the sound of every bird or animal that crossed it. For that reason, he was a bit suspicious that the place was more quiet than usual.</p><p>Panoramix looked at the trees around the clearing again. Something was wrong. Three of the trees seemed smaller than the others and their color was slightly brighter. In addition, they had no leaves!</p><p>The druid remembered that a few years ago, a group of Roman legionnaires had tried to kidnap him. And they had been disguised as trees and bushes! Fortunately, Asterix and Obelix had interfered and had driven the Romans away. Unfortunately, to drive the Romans away, Obelix had thrown his menhir against them... but the menhir had hit Panoramix instead causing him to lose his memory! It had taken days for him to regain it.</p><p>Were these trees artificial? Were people hidden inside them? Panoramix had no way to know. To be on the safe side, he drank some magic potion from his canteen.</p><p>Suddenly, the three artificial trees fell to the ground only to reveal... Finn, FN-2188 and FN-2189. Panoramix looked at them. They all wore white boots, white armor and white face-covering helmets. Even worse, all three of them carried blasters and aimed them at him.</p><p>"Who are you? Roman Legionnaires?" Panoramix asked.</p><p>"It doesn't matter," one of the stormtroopers said. "Come with us in peace or we will fire."</p><p>"No way," Panoramix said and charged against them.</p><p>The stormtroopers opened fire.</p><p> </p><p>A few hundreds of meters away... a dog barked.</p><p>"What is it Idefix?" Obelix asked. Then he heard another shot himself.</p><p>"It comes from the clearing where Panoramix is," Asterix said.</p><p>The two Gauls looked at each other and both nodded. No words were needed. The next second Asterix drank some magic potion from his canteen and rushed to the clearing. Obelix and Idefix followed.</p><p> </p><p>"Two Gauls and a dog are approaching," a stormtrooper said. "They must have heard the shots."</p><p>"All weapons ready," Phasma said. "Open fire if they get close."</p><p>"Hey, there is something wrong with these Gauls. They move too fast!" another stormtrooper said.</p><p> </p><p>Having drunk the magic potion, Asterix was running very fast. So was Obelix who – as we know – fell to the cauldron with the magic filter when he was a kid, making the effects of the magic potion permanent for him.</p><p>The two Gauls and Idefix kept running. What they didn't know was that Phasma had positioned herself and the troopers there, ready to block their path.</p><p>Phasma looked at the approaching foes ... and she saw him again! Obelix!</p><p>"Don't worry," she whispered, "I will not kill you. I will only stun you for a few minutes." Despite this, she could not make herself pull the trigger.</p><p>The rest of her platoon though had not such qualms. All four of them opened fire.</p><p> </p><p>"They are shooting Asterix," Obelix said as two blaster bolts hit him on his chest.</p><p>"I know Obelix," Asterix replied as two blaster bolts hit him as well.</p><p>Despite the shots fired against them, both Gauls remained unharmed. The magic potion not only makes you super strong and super fast but also increases your stamina and makes you immune to blaster hits. In fact, firing against the Gauls only made them angrier.</p><p>FN-2183 had barely fired two shots when Obelix's punch connected with his helmet and sent him flying backwards. FN-2184 fired against the mighty Gaul but his shot had no effect on him. Obelix's punch on the other hand...</p><p>At the same time, Asterix punched FN-2185 and FN-2186 in quick succession. Only Phasma remained to oppose them. She aimed her blaster against Asterix, opened fire, failed to cause any harm... and met the receiving end of Obelix's fist. His fist sent her flying to a tree.</p><p>Wasting no time, the Gauls kept running towards the clearing where Panoramix was.</p><p>"Obelix! That is your name," Phasma said while trying to stand up. "You are so brave, so mighty, so strong..." Her passion for the tall, read-haired Gaul just increased.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, in the forest clearing, the situation was desperate... for the three stormtroopers! Panoramix had punched them really hard!</p><p>"Please sir," Finn pleaded. "Don't punch us again. We were just following orders."</p><p>Suddenly the druid heard footsteps. He looked around and saw... Asterix and Obelix approaching!<br/>
"Are you all right Panoramix?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Yes I am, unlike our friends here." The two Gauls looked around them. The three stormtroopers could barely move.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Phasma and the four stormtroopers had just stood up. Fortunately for them, the stormtrooper armor could absorb more punishment than the one the Roman legionnaires wore. Still, the pain was intense.</p><p>"It is as if a walker stepped on us," FN-2183 said, referring to the four-legged mechanical walkers the First Order used. Each one of them was heavier than an elephant.</p><p>"Everyone back to the Falcon," Phasma said. "We are leaving." Slowly all stormtroopers – including the three Panoramix had punched – walked to their spaceship, their bodies full of bruises.</p><p>A few minutes later, FN-2181 and FN-2182 removed the camouflage net from the Millennium Falcon. Everyone else entered the spaceship and collapsed to the floor. Ten minutes later the Falcon took off, returning to a Galaxy far, far away.</p><p> </p><p>Upon hearing the sound of the Falcon, the three Gauls and Idefix looked up in the sky and saw the spaceship leaving. Idefix barked a few times.</p><p>"Hey, what is that?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"It is called a spaceship," Panoramix replied. "It can fly in our sky, it can fly in space and it can reach other planets."</p><p>"Do the Romans have spaceships?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"No, it comes from a Galaxy, far, far away," Panoramix replied. "I met a man three years ago who talked to me about these things."</p><p>"Who was that man Panoramix?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"His name was ... Luke Skywalker," Panoramix replied. "And he is from the same Galaxy as the spaceship." In fact, Luke Skywalker had also traveled with that specific spaceship but that's another story.</p><p>"And the troopers we punched?" Obelix asked. "Were they from the same Galaxy?"</p><p>"Yes," the druid replied. "They are like legionnaires. They are called stormtroopers."</p><p>"These stormtroopers are crazy!" Obelix said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. When a Jedi Master met a druid.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Phasma's platoon return from their mission and write their – not exactly accurate! – report.</p><p>At the same time, Asterix and Obelix visit Panoramix in his hut and he tells them about the time he met Luke Skywalker and about a mission waiting for him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In this chapter, we learn:</p><p>a) Who is the biggest fan of Cacofonix apart from Cacofonix himself?</p><p>b) How did the Millennium Falcon end up in First Order hands?</p><p>c) Why Ben burned the Jedi Academy down?</p><p>d) Why did Luke Skywalker meet Panoramix?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"They were just three of them," Finn told Captain Phasma. "And we had blasters. But they were immune to them! These Gauls are crazy!"</p><p>"Yes," Phasma said, still wearing a bacta uniform to heal her wounds. "They were very overpowered. That magic potion of theirs is impressive." And so was Obelix, she thought but didn't say.</p><p>"Will Hux buy it?" Finn asked. Phasma knew what he meant.</p><p>"That just three men and a dog defeated us?" Phasma said. "No, he won't. So we will have to be ... creative, if you know what I mean."</p><p>Finn knew exactly what Phasma meant. Sometimes, if you tell your boss the truth, your boss might find you didn't try hard enough or that you have screwed up. It is more convenient for you to exaggerate the difficulties you faced, especially if your boss has no way to confirm the truth.</p><p>Soon the stormtroopers took turns in the bacta uniform to heal themselves. At the same time, they started inventing fictional enemies, they exaggerated the difficulties they had encountered and they generally made mountains out of molehills. A few hours later, they had provided Phasma with a lot of ideas to incorporate into her report.</p><p>"All right everyone," Phasma finally said. "You had some really good ideas there. The idea with the trained packs of dogs and wild boars were good ones. So was the one with the Gaulish shock troops. However, the one with the moat with the alligators won't work. It's too far fetched. We need something else."</p><p>"Catapults with barrels of burning liquid?" FN-2181 suggested.</p><p>"No. Too advanced."</p><p>"Hidden snakes?" FN-2182 said.</p><p>"No. Too exotic for such a place."</p><p>"Camouflaged Gauls on the trees?" was FN-2183's idea.</p><p>"Yes, we could use that. Anything else?"</p><p>"Traps in the forest like the ones the Ewoks used in Endor?" FN-2184 said.</p><p>"OK, but let's not overdo it. We still need to be believable so we forget about the explosive mines."</p><p> </p><p>"A hundred wild boars attacking from various directions?" Hux said while reading Phasma's report on his datapad.</p><p>"At least General," Phasma said. "Fortunately, the superb marksmanship skills of our stormtroopers allowed them to neutralize the threat without suffering any casualties."</p><p>"It's good our troops were that precise," Hux said.</p><p>"It is due to the values instilled by the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy tradition decades ago," Phasma said.</p><p>"I see. There were also packs of wild dogs attacking."</p><p>"Yes General. They were faster and more maneuverable than the boars but we still managed to prevail despite their huge numerical superiority."</p><p>Hux kept reading the report.</p><p>"Traps inside the forest? Dozens of hidden bodyguards around the druid?"</p><p>"Unfortunately yes General," Phasma said, struggling very hard to keep a straight face and not burst into laughter. Fortunately, she was wearing her face-covering helmet and Hux could not observe her facial expression.</p><p>"That makes sense. Panoramix is too valuable for them," Hux said. "So you couldn't reach him. That is too bad."</p><p>Hux wondered what Caesar would think of that. On the other hand, capturing Panoramix was a secondary objective anyway and wouldn't interfere with his plans anyway.</p><p>"Unfortunately, he was too well guarded sir. Fortunately," Phasma said, "our brave troops used their stealth skills and reached the forest where bard Cacofonix was practicing his musical skills. He was not that well guarded because his music was too awful for any bodyguards to be close to him."</p><p>"Did you record the music?" Hux asked.</p><p>"Yes, General. Here it is," Phasma said and gave Hux a digital compact disk (also known as CD) with the bard's music.</p><p>Hux examined the CD case. It had a title on it.</p><p>"Music to torture your soul," Hux read aloud, "by Cacofonix the Gaulish bard."</p><p>"Yes General, it was our idea to name it," Phasma said. "It clearly captures the spirit of the bard's singing. Also, we have written a list of suggested names for the songs he has sung. It is on the back of the CD case." Hux examined the song titles.</p><p>"Painful awakening? Music of despair? The aria from hell?" Hux read aloud."I really like those titles," he said with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>While Phasma was briefing Hux, Asterix and Obelix visited Panoramix in his hut.</p><p>"Good morning Asterix and Obelix," Panoramix said. "Thanks for coming. I told you to visit because I have to tell you a story that happened about three years ago, while both of you were in Rome to free Cacofonix," Panoramix said.</p><p>"Yes," Asterix said. "The Romans had captured our bard and we went to Rome, we entered a gladiator school and after many adventures we found Cacofonix and freed him."</p><p>"Yes," Obelix said full of enthusiasm. "Rome was full of Romans to punch. We also made a new friend, the Phoenician merchant Economikrisis."</p><p>"Economikrisis," Asterix said, "is such a reliable person. You know he will always try to cheat you, so you are always prepared for him."</p><p>"Yes Asterix," Obelix said. "Economikrisis is such a good friend. You can always rely on him to do the wrong thing."</p><p>"But I suppose the druid didn't invite us here to talk about our friend the merchant," Asterix said.</p><p>"That's right Asterix," Panoramix said. "I am here to talk to you about a friend from a Galaxy far, far way. But let me start from the start."</p><p>"Yes," Obelix said, "usually the start is the best place for you to start."</p><p>"That is a very wise observation Obelix," Asterix said.</p><p> </p><p>"So how did it go?" the troopers asked Phasma when she returned from her briefing with Hux.</p><p>"I have two good news and two bad news," she replied. "The first of the good news: Hux believed our story and he won't execute us. In addition, he won't send us to clean the garbage compactor."</p><p>"This is great," Finn said. "And the second one?"</p><p>"Hux liked our music collection. He even asked for an extra CD to listen in his free time."</p><p>"He really has strange tastes in music," Finn commented.</p><p>"What about the bad news?" another stormtrooper asked.</p><p>"Since we are the only ones who know about Hux's plans, we will have to accompany him wherever he goes. And in a few hours he will leave Starkiller Base."</p><p>"Where is he going to go?"</p><p>"He will board our destroyer Destruction and go to a planet named Jakku. There is something the First Order wants from there."</p><p>"Oh no," they said. "Does this mean we are back to eating MRE and behaving in a very, very typical and predictable manner?"</p><p>"Yes," Phasma said. "Now, try to sneak the 'borrowed' coffee machine somewhere and be very careful about it."</p><p>"Don't worry boss," Finn said. "Only a Force user would find out we have..." Finn suddenly stopped, realizing what he had just said. The troopers gave Phasma a frightened look.</p><p>"Yes," Phasma said in a sad voice, "that's the second of the bad news: Kylo Ren will be on board Destruction as well."</p><p> </p><p>"As you know," Panoramix said, "our magic potion is what keeps us free. Unfortunately, a few years ago I noticed something was missing from it."</p><p>"Had it lost its effect?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"No, but I realized its taste was not good enough. So I reached a monumental decision."</p><p>"To add salt and Greek olive oil to it?" Obelix asked full of interest.</p><p>"Exactly Obelix," Panoramix said full of enthusiasm. "It greatly improved the taste! Economikrisis provided me with the olive oil and for the salt I simply go to the beach once a week and gather. And that was when I saw a man I had never seen before. He came from a Galaxy far, far away."</p><p>"Who was he druid?" Asterix asked. "How did he come to our planet?"</p><p>"He came to our planet using a device called hyperspace portal," Panoramix said, "from a place called... Jakku. And he called himself ... Luke Skywalker. And this his story..."</p><p>A long time ago, in a Galaxy, far, far away... two babies were born. One of them was a boy named Luke Skywalker and the other was a girl named Leia. Unfortunately, the children had to be adopted because their mother died in childbirth and their father Anakin had a lot of professional obligations in the Galaxy and changed his name to Darth Vader.</p><p>"I see," Obelix said. "Darth Vader is a better name for an artist. Was he a bard like Cacofonix?"</p><p>"Actually, no," Panoramix said. "Anakin was the right hand man of Emperor Palpatine, the ruler of the Galaxy. His job was to kill, enslave, and torture."</p><p>Luke spent his childhood and his teenage years on a planet named Tatooine. At the age of nineteen though, he went to an adventure that made him a war hero: he destroyed a big spaceship named the Death Star and he became a Jedi Master. (Panoramix also added details about the Jedi, the Force, the Sith, and the Death Star but we the Ao3 readers and writers already know them, so we don't have to repeat them here).</p><p>"That is wonderful," Obelix said. "That is a great success story."</p><p>"And I am so happy Julius Caesar has no Death Star," Asterix said. "He would make the sky fall upon our heads."</p><p>"Unfortunately, things started getting worse afterwards," Panoramix said.</p><p>After the war ended, Luke Skywalker founded his own Jedi Academy, the only one in the Galaxy. (There had been another one in the past but Emperor Palpatine had closed it in a ... violent way).</p><p>Supposedly, things would be fine. There were no other Jedi Academies to compete with him, Luke had correspondence with the Force Ghosts of former Jedi Masters to gain insights, and his sister Leia had become a Senator, thus securing state funding for him.</p><p>Unfortunately, things worsened a few years later when the people of the Galaxy learned that Darth Vader, Palpatine's worst war criminal was Luke's and Leia's father. Private donors abandoned Luke to avoid any association with him and – even worse – Leia was forced to resign from the Senate which ended the state assistance to the Jedi Academy.</p><p>Luke's last source of income was Han Solo, a war veteran and entrepreneur who was a personal friend of Luke and had fought with him during the war. He was also married to Leia and they had a son named Ben who was also a Force user and a student in Luke's academy. But he had fallen into hard times as well and he was unable to help.</p><p>Ben Solo, Han's and Leia's son, decided to help. Determined not to let his uncle's Academy close, Ben formulated a plan of action.</p><p>"Did Ben become a professional singer?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"No," Panoramix replied. "Without telling a word to anyone, he insured the Jedi Academy building for fire and decided to burn it down to claim the insurance money. After some search, he singed a contract with First Order Insurance because the name sounded nice to him."</p><p>"It is really a name that inspires trust," Obelix said.</p><p>"That's right," Panoramix said. "So, during a cold winter night Luke learned what his nephew was about to do."</p><p>"Did Luke use the Force to find out?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"No, Ben went to his uncle with the insurance contract and a torch for him to burn the academy building. But his uncle refused to burn the building down."</p><p>"But why?" Obelix asked. "It seemed such a foolproof plan."</p><p>"Unfortunately," Panoramix said, "the First Order Insurance company was a front for the First Order, a group of radicals who wanted to conquer the Galaxy and used the insurance company to launder money. But Luke Skywalker immediately deduced that."</p><p>"It would be hard for anyone to think of that," Obelix said. "I mean the connection is very hard to spot. Luke Skywalker is really a genius!"</p><p>Luke tried to stop him but Ben used the Force to stop Luke. Unfortunately, he miscalculated and used more Force than necessary and accidentally dropped the ceiling on his uncle. Seeing his uncle was unconscious, Ben had no option but to burn the building down himself.</p><p>"What about the other students in the academy?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Unfortunately," Panoramix said, "Ben did a lot of pranks in the academy. As a result, nobody believed him when he told them he would burn the building and the other students were injured in the incident."</p><p>"Did they die?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"No, but they were injured and they filed civil liability claims against Ben and Luke."</p><p>"And the First Order Insurance refused to pay," Asterix said.</p><p>"That's right Asterix," Panoramix said. "Nobody pays when you burn your own building to claim the insurance money. It is a fraud."</p><p>Since Ben and Luke had no money to pay, Ben's parents were forced to foot the bill. Unfortunately, they had run out of money as well. Leia's resignation from the Senate meant she would no longer earn a Senator's wage and Han's failed business ventures meant he could not support his son either. So they were forced to...</p><p> </p><p>"So... from a certain point of view," Phasma told Hux, while both of them were on the Destruction bridge, "Kylo Ren is right. It was he who brought us the Millennium Falcon."</p><p>"Yes Captain," Hux said. "His parents sold it to the First Order Insurance to find money for the legal fees and the out-of-court settlement."</p><p>"But we own the company," Phasma said. "By the way, do they insure hairdresser salons or yoga studios?"</p><p> </p><p>"So what happened next?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"After Ben's parents sold the Millennium Falcon, a man named Snoke convinced Ben to join the First Order. He also convinced a few more of Luke's former students to join him and they took the name Knights of Ren."</p><p>"Did they form a singing band?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"No," Panoramix said. "Snoke used them to kill and torture people. Ben became their leader and he started calling himself... Kylo Ren."</p><p>Soon the bad news about Snoke, Ben, and the Knights of Ren reached Luke Skywalker. Even worse, there were rumors the First Order were building a superweapon and an army to conquer the Galaxy.</p><p>Since Luke was the only Jedi left, his only solution would be to go to Ahch-To, the secret planet were the first Jedi temple was built. Hopefully, he would find some powerful Jedi techniques to help him.</p><p>"Fortunately," Panoramix said, "he found some such techniques. The best of them is the astral projection where you project an image of yourself half a Galaxy away. Unfortunately, you have to spend such vast amounts of physical effort and energy to use the technique that you will die in the process."</p><p>"Is there a way to use it without harming yourself?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Yes, but you need to drink the magic potion," Panoramix replied with a smile. "Our magic potion."</p><p>"About three hundred years ago," Panoramix continued, "a Jedi Master named Yoda reached Earth and visited the druid who knew the secret of the magic potion back then."</p><p>After the initial shock, the druid gave Yoda some magic potion to drink. Yoda was very satisfied. The potion was exactly what the Jedi needed.</p><p>Yoda asked the druid if he or his successors would help the Jedi in case of need. The druid promised he and his successors would do so. For centuries, every time one of the druid's successors passed the secret of the magic potion to his own successor, he also passed the secret about Yoda's visit and the druid's promise to the Jedi.</p><p>"So, when Luke Skywalker came to visit me, I was not surprised at all," Panoramix said. "We had been waiting for the Jedi for three hundred years."</p><p>After some discussion with Luke Skywalker, Panoramix agreed to help him. He gave the Jedi Master some magic potion and he agreed to keep a digital device Luke gave him called a flash drive that contained an astral map in encrypted form.</p><p>"The map leads to Ahch-To, the planet where Luke is currently hidden. He told me to wait for exactly three years from the day he visited to take action because he needed time to learn and practice the astral projection technique."</p><p>Luke also needed time to contact his sister Leia for help because she and Han had founded the Resistance, an organization that fought against the First Order.</p><p>"What are you supposed to do Panoramix?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"I am supposed to go to a planet named Jakku with the code name ... Lor San Tekka and give the flash drive to a member of the Resistance."</p><p>"Should we come together?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"No, but you should stay in the village just in case. I might need some help if things go bad. That's why I informed you about the secret after all."</p><p>A few days later, the great day came. Panoramix picked up Luke's flash drive and a canteen of magic filter and entered the portal. Soon, he was in Jakku and he started walking towards a nearby village, the place he was supposed to meet the Resistance officer.</p><p> </p><p>At the same time...</p><p>"This is music!" Armitage Hux said inside his cabin while listening to Cacofonix's CD. "It has such a deep, meaningful and artistic echo. It really touches the soul. Cacofonix is such a great artist."</p><p>Hux was about to select the next song from the CD – named 'Tortured Ears' – when he heard the knock on the door.</p><p>"Who is there? Get in." It was Finn.</p><p>"General," Finn said upon entering the cabin. "Captain Phasma informs you we have reached Jakku."</p><p>"Get ready to enter the transports," Hux said. "And inform Kylo Ren."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Minor Spoiler Alert: Panoramix will survive his trip in Jakku (unlike Lor San Tekka), so don't worry!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A pink cruiser... and a druid in Jakku!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Leia Organa visits Ninka, Amilyn's newly purchased warship to brief Poe Dameron about an important mission. </p><p>Druid Panoramix goes to Jakku with the code name Lor San Tekka and meets Dameron.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Here we go," General Leia Organa told C-3PO, her personal protocol droid. "Amilyn's cruiser is just ahead of us."</p><p>"Are you sure General?" the droid asked while he piloted Leia's transport to land next to Ninka, the Resistance light cruiser commanded by Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo.</p><p>"But of course C-3PO," Leia said. "Just look at the color."</p><p>"You are right General," the droid said. "Who else would have bought a pink cruiser?"</p><p>"See?" Leia said. </p><p>Generally speaking, Amilyn Holdo was a bit unconventional in her style and commanding a pink spaceship was totally in character for her. But since she was brave, smart and competent and Leia's best friend for more than three decades, nobody complained.</p><p>"It certainly matches Amilyn's wardrobe," Leia said. "Half her clothes are either pink or purple."</p><p>A few minutes later, Leia's transport landed thirty meters away from Amilyn's cruiser. An attractive tall, blonde and blue-eyed woman was standing just outside the spaceship's hangar bay, waiting for them. She was wearing a simple military uniform – not a pink one! - without rank insignia. To Leia's delight, she was holding a plate with cookies!</p><p>"Hello Amilyn!" Leia said upon reaching the woman. "I think shopping went great!"</p><p>"Hello Leia, C-3PO," Amilyn said with a smile. "Yes, shopping went great. I bought new clothes and a new spaceship. And it had my favorite color!"</p><p>"Indeed. It perfectly matches your wardrobe. And I see you have baked some cookies," Leia said and her eyes widened with pleasure. </p><p>"Yes," Amilyn replied, "it is a custom that when you purchase a new car or a new house or a new spaceship, you offer cookies to those who visit for the first time. And they are your favorite ones!"</p><p>"The ones with chocolate? I am so happy," Leia said and hugged Amilyn.</p><p>Amilyn offered Leia and C-3PO cookies. Both took one each but since    C-3PO was a droid and droids don't eat cookies, Leia ate both, much to her delight.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Amilyn, Leia and C-3PO were inside the spaceship. To Leia's amazement, the spaceship interior didn't look like a warship at all. It was full of mirrors, rotating chairs bolted on the floor and all the floors were covered with expensive carpets. In addition, all anti-aircraft gun ports were covered with curtains and each one of them had a different design!</p><p>"I thought the spaceship you bought was a warship," Leia said.</p><p>"Oh it was," Amilyn said. "In fact, it took part in the battle of Endor. But when the war ended, the New Republic had no need for a large fleet so they sold it both to lower their military expenditure and make money to rebuild the Galaxy."</p><p>"That makes sense," Leia said. "Who bought it and what did they use it for?"</p><p>"The Ninka sisters," Amilyn said. "They named the spaceship Ninka, they painted it pink and they converted it to a hair salon."</p><p>"A hair salon?" Leia asked, surprised.</p><p>"Yes," Amilyn said. "Apart from haircuts and hair dye, it also offered manicure, pedicure and make-up. It even has a jakuzzi!"</p><p>"I never expected a cruiser would end up becoming a hair salon."</p><p>"In fact, it was a great idea," Amilyn said. "The two sisters could serve customers in more than one planet. The only reason they sold it was because they were too old and wanted to retire."</p><p>"How much did you pay for it Amilyn?" Leia asked.</p><p>"Oh not much," Amilyn said. "It was already painted so I didn't need to spend money for paint jobs. They also offered a discount if I kept the name the same. And the best part? They offered the hair salon equipment and the jakuzzi free of charge!"</p><p>"Did anyone in your crew raise any objections about that? I mean it was a warship that became a hair salon and now it is a spaceship again."</p><p>"Not at all Leia," Amilyn said. "Half my crew are women and they were delighted to have a hair salon at arm's length. As for the men, they still need a haircut from time to time so they didn't complain. Besides, I have something special for them."</p><p>"What exactly Amilyn?" Leia asked.</p><p>"Captain Dameron suggested a gentlemen's room for the men and I agreed."<br/>
"A gentlemen's room?" Leia asked.</p><p>"Yes," Amilyn replied, "a room where the men off duty can smoke cigars, play darts, watch sports and movies using a projector, play billiards, drink beer or whiskey and gossip about various things." Leia was speecheless.</p><p>"In addition," Amilyn continued, "everyone likes the jakuzzi."</p><p>Leia knew Amilyn was a good friend and a competent officer. But a hair salon, a gentleman's room and a jakuzzi? Wasn't that a bit... too much? But in any case, Leia had more immediate concerns in mind.</p><p>"I have some important news Amilyn," Leia said. "My brother Luke made contact with me using the Force. A friend of his has a message for us and I will send our best pilot to retrieve it."</p><p>"That means Captain Dameron," Amilyn said with a big smile on her face, something Leia noticed.</p><p>"That is correct Amilyn," Leia said. "C-3PO, go to the Captain's cabin and tell him to visit the bridge." </p><p>Two minutes later, C-3PO returned ... alone.</p><p>"The Captain's cabin is empty," C-3PO said. "Where could he be?"</p><p>"I know where he is," Amilyn said. "I left him in my cabin when I came to greet you."</p><p>"OK, C-3PO," Leia said. "Go to Amilyn's... HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" Both Leia and her droid stared at Amilyn, shocked.<br/>
"Your cabin?" Leia asked, still shocked. "Poe Dameron... in your cabin?"</p><p>"Yes," Amilyn said, a proud smile on her face. "Admit it, he is good looking."</p><p>"Well, I am sure you weren't playing chess there," Leia said. "But you and Poe Dameron? I would never expect a couple like that."</p><p>"Why not? He really likes me," Amilyn said with a crooked smile and approached a nearby coffee machine, picked up a cup and filled it with coffee.</p><p>"I am going to inform the Captain," Amilyn said with a smile and started walking towards Poe's cabin. "Unless you want your droid to see him naked."</p><p> </p><p>Captain Poe Dameron, the best pilot and one of the best officers in the Resistance had just woken up, only to realize Amilyn wasn't there.</p><p>"She always wakes up early," Poe said when suddenly the door opened and Amilyn entered the cabin.</p><p>"Wake up, wake up," Amilyn said while closing the door.</p><p>"You really take care of your officers Admiral," Poe said and took the offered cup of coffee. Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo smiled upon the remark.</p><p>"Actually, you are the only officer I make coffee for," she said. "And the only one who sleeps with me!"</p><p>"Let me guess," Poe said with a smile. "You had some unfinished business here!"</p><p>"Sorry lover," Amilyn said, "but General Organa just arrived and is waiting for you. Get dressed and join us at the bridge." Amilyn left the room leaving the cup of coffee behind. Poe drank some coffee, stood up and tried to find his underwear.</p><p> </p><p>"Good morning General," Poe said the moment he reached the bridge.</p><p>"Hello Poe," Leia said, a big, crooked smile on her face. "I really hope you had a pleasant sleep."</p><p>"It was really pleasant General," Poe said with a smile, playing along. </p><p>After the pleasantries, Leia told Luke's story – the same one Panoramix had told Asterix, Obelix, and Idefix – and informed Poe and Amilyn about the future.</p><p>"My brother Luke," Leia said, "told me he would use the Force to contact me when the time was right."<br/>
"What did Master Skywalker want?" Poe asked.</p><p>"A man named Lor San Tekka will soon be in Jakku with an encrupted map for Luke's location. For that reason, I decided to send my best pilot there to retrieve it. That means you Captain Dameron."</p><p>"At your orders General," Poe said. "And thank you for your good words."</p><p> </p><p>Druid Panoramix looked at the night sky. It was so different than the one in the Gaulish village. In the village, he knew the names and the locations of all the stars and all the constellations by heart. He could also recognize their seasonal changes at a glance.</p><p>But in this galaxy, everything seemed so different. It was even more confusing when the druid thought that many of the stars were orbited by planets with sentient creatures on them.</p><p>"I wonder where Ahch-To is," Panoramix told himself. "But Luke Skywalker never gave me specific coordinates."<br/>
After one hour of walking, the druid reached a small village. It was the designated place for his meeting with a member of the Resistance. Once more, Panoramix checked his coat's pocket. The flash drive was there.</p><p> </p><p>At the same time, a small Resistance starfighter reached Jakku. Poe Dameron and his trusted droid BB-8 were inside it.</p><p>"Something is wrong," Poe said and checked the radar again. Apparently, a capital ship was in the vicinity.</p><p>"What is this spaceship buddy?" Poe asked BB-8, his trusted droid. A few seconds later BB-8 bleeped.</p><p>"A First Order spaceship?" Poe said, a bit skeptical. "Are you sure? I wonder how they found out about this place."</p><p> </p><p>Inside destroyer Destruction, General Hux was inspecting Phasma's platoon.</p><p>"Thanks to Kylo Ren," Hux told Phasma, "we have located them."</p><p>"How so General?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"Apparently," Hux said, "Luke Skywalker used the Force to contact his sister Leia Organa. But the message also reached another member of her family with Force powers."</p><p>"Yes," Phasma said. "Kylo Ren is Organa's son."</p><p>"Yes," Hux said. "By the way, it is only a matter of time before we hit their base of operations on planet D'qar."</p><p>"What are we waiting for General?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"Their defenses are very strong," Hux replied. "They have powerful energy defensive shields. Only the Starkiller Base superweapon can penetrate them. Besides, we don't want the New Republic to find out yet. We will attack the Resistance only after our superweapon destroys the New Republic capital."</p><p>A few seconds later, the inspection was over. Phasma and her troopers entered a small transport spaceship that would take them to Jakku. But before leaving, Hux had a message for her.</p><p>"Kylo Ren is a bit crazy," Hux said. "On the other hand, it was he who gave us the intel for Jakku and he is Snoke's right hand man. So do as he says and don't disobey him."</p><p>"Yes General," Phasma said. But there was something she didn't like.</p><p>"Blowing up an entire planet?" she quietly asked herself when Hux was gone. "And killing billions?" </p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Poe Dameron landed on Jakku. It had been a long and tiring journey but at least it was worth it. In a few days, they would reach the legendary Jedi Master and things would improve a lot.</p><p>"Who knows what Jedi tricks Master Skywalker can use to help us," Poe told his droid.</p><p>According to Leia's briefing, Lor San Tekka was an old bearded man that looked like an ancient druid. The only such man Poe could see was standing ten meters away from him, wearing a black cape. Poe approached him.</p><p>"Good evening," Poe said.</p><p>"Good evening officer," Panoramix replied. "I am here for our meeting. But before introducing myself, you have to answer my questions."</p><p>"I am ready to answer them," Poe said. Panoramix nodded.</p><p>"Who is the most handsome man in your galaxy?" Panoramix asked.</p><p>"Luke Skywalker," Poe replied with a lot of hesitation. Why hadn't Leia changed the answer to Poe Dameron? After all, he was more handsome than Luke Skywalker... at least according to him and... Amilyn.</p><p>"Correct," Panoramix said. "Second question: who is the most handsome man in my galaxy?"</p><p>"Obelix," Poe replied.</p><p>"That's right," Panoramix said. "He is also a menhir creator, but that's another story. Very well officer, you passed the test. My code name is Lor San Tekka."</p><p>"And I am Captain Poe Dameron," Poe replied.</p><p>"I have something for you Captain," Panoramix said and gave him the flash drive containing the digital map. Poe put it inside one his pockets.</p><p>"For safety reasons," Panoramix continued, "the map is encrypted and  only I know where the encryption key is. It is literally in a Galaxy far, far away."</p><p>Suddenly, both men heard gunshot sounds, like the ones blasters made.</p><p>"It's the First Order," Poe said. "They are attacking."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Poe in Jakku! Finn in Jakku!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Poe has to evade capture from the First Order. But will he make it?</p><p>Panoramix has to evade capture as well and reach Asterix and Obelix.</p><p>At the same time, Phasma, Finn and the rest of her platoon are faced with a moral dilemma.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Six First Order transports exited the destroyer's main hangar. Five of them carried stormtroopers and the sixth one carried Kylo Ren who was excited for the opportunity to see combat for the first time. To better prepare himself mentally, Kylo looked at the burned full-face helmet of his grandfather Anakin Skywalker, the one he had worn as Darth Vader. It had partially melted when Luke Skywalker had burned his corpse on a pyre after the battle of Endor.</p><p>"Wish me good luck grandfather," Kylo said. "I am going to torture, pillage and burn like you did!" Kylo felt so proud for his opportunity to be like the notorious Darth Vader!</p><p>"Mother Leia and uncle Luke took the family to the light grandpa,” Kylo told the helmet, disappointed. “Your own children went against your evil legacy. But I promise you, I will return our family to our dark and evil roots!”</p><p> </p><p>In one of the transports, Phasma inspected her platoon. FN-2181 and FN-2182 were piloting, Finn was manning the defensive gun turret and the rest were inspecting their weapons.</p><p>According to the plan, the other stormtroopers would surround the village while Phasma's platoon would approach the Resistance starfighter to neutralize it using rocket launchers that FN-2183 and FN-2184 carried. Afterwards, her platoon would surround the pilot and capture him for interrogation.</p><p>A few minutes later, FN-2181 and FN-2182 landed the transport at the designated area. Phasma and her platoon exited it, hid in the desert and quietly waited for Poe Dameron to approach. While waiting, they heard gunshots</p><p> </p><p>"It is the First Order," Poe said, upon hearing the shots.</p><p>"But how did they locate us?" Panoramix said.</p><p>"I wish I knew," Poe said. He had taken all precautions to reach Jakku undetected and he was an excellent professional. But there was no time to think of that now.</p><p>"They must have Force users," Panoramix assumed. "Anyway, get out of here and I will delay them."</p><p>Poe didn't want to leave the old man alone. But there was no other option for him if he wanted to preserve the map for Jedi Master Skywalker. Reluctantly, he started running towards his starfighter.</p><p>"All right First Order, let's see if you are tougher than Gauls," Panoramix said and drunk from his magic potion.</p><p> </p><p>First Order troopers soon surrounded the village and started firing in the air. Poe barely managed to evade them and reach his starfighter. Hopefully, the First Order hadn't surrounded it yet. Unfortunately...</p><p>"OK," Phasma said, "fire some warning shots around the pilot." The troops did so, forcing Poe to take cover behind a rock. Realizing he had to fight to escape, Captain Dameron unholstered his weapon and set it to stun mode.</p><p>"Good," Phasma said. "Now hit the spaceship."</p><p>The rocket troopers fired two shots blowing Poe's starfighter up. Fortunately, BB-8 exited the spaceship just a second before the rockets hit it, surviving the attack. Even better, BB-8 located Poe and silently reached the rock where he was hidden.</p><p>"Dammit!" Poe said when he saw the spaceship blowing up. The droid next to him bleeped.</p><p>"I know buddy," Poe said. "If they get me, they'll take the map." He looked at the droid again and an idea crossed his mind.</p><p>"But they don't know you have survived the explosions BB-8," Poe. At the same time, Phasma's platoon started firing against him.</p><p>Poe didn't have much time. His only option left was to give BB-8 the flash drive with the map and hope the First Order didn't locate him. Immediately, he put the map in a metal case inside the droid and ordered him to leave.</p><p>
While the droid was escaping in the desert, the Resistance officer opened fire against Phasma's platoon, trying to buy his droid as much time as possible. Taking careful aim, Poe shot FN-2181 who fell to the ground. The rest of the troopers returned fire but Poe successfully hit FN-2182 as well.</p><p>Phasma's platoon kept firing. As a response, Poe hit FN-2185 who fell to the ground and yelled "Help me!" Finn looked at his fallen comrade-in-arms and tried to comfort him.</p><p>“Did I really kill him?” Poe wondered. “My rifle was in stun mode.”</p><p>It was then that Poe saw him: the tall, slim and... badly dressed Kylo Ren! He had landed close to Phasma and he was approaching them.</p><p>"Oh, not that idiot!" Poe told himself.</p><p>Apart from being the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, Kylo Ren was also the godson of Amilyn Holdo! And Amilyn had told Poe about Kylo's hobbies as a child and as a teenager. (Let's say he was really fond of burning things!)</p><p>
Poe was in a dilemma. On the one hand, Kylo was Leia's son and Amilyn's godson. On the other hand, Ben had accidentally burned Amilyn's collection of high-heel shoes!</p><p>"I know you wanted to reenact the battle of Yavin, Kylo,” Poe said. “But did you really need to use Amilyn's shoes as starfighters and the closet itself as the Death Star? And most of it, did you really need to use firecrackers and gasoline as well?”</p><p>Among the burned shoes was a pair Poe had bought her as a birthday gift, something that had pissed Poe off!</p><p>
"You burned my gift Kylo. Time to suffer the consequences," Poe said, took careful aim and opened fire. But unexpectedly...</p><p>... Kylo Ren Force-stopped Poe's rifle bolt. At the same time, Phasma's platoon completely surrounded the Resistance pilot, forcing him to surrender. Fortunately, BB-8 had escaped and was hidden in the darkness at least five hundred meters away from the First Order troops.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Panoramix did what Luke had instructed him to do in case enemies attacked: he dropped a smoke grenade Luke had given him for a situation like that and ran towards the portal. Two stormtroopers tried to stop him but the druid punched them both and kept running till he was safe.</p><p>"I must talk to Asterix and Obelix," Panoramix told himself the moment he reached the portal.</p><p> </p><p>FN-2181, FN-2182, and FN-2185 were laying on the ground, seemingly dead. But in reality...</p><p>"OK, wake these three up," Phasma said. "That Resistance pilot only fired stun shots."</p><p>Three of Phasma's troopers did as ordered. The rest handcuffed Dameron, put a scarf on his eyes and escorted him to their transport. At the same time, Kylo Ren gestured for Phasma to approach him.</p><p>"Yes Master Ren?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"I see you have captured the pilot. Did you also capture the man the pilot met?"</p><p>"No Master Ren," Phasma replied. "He did not flee to our direction.”</p><p>"Tonight is a historic night Captain Phasma," Kylo said. "I am going to honor my grandfather's legacy and do something that would make Darth Vader proud!"</p><p>"A standing ovation Master Ren? Or a minute of silence?"</p><p>"No," Kylo said. "I want to commit my own war crime! Gather all villagers in the village square and execute them."</p><p>
Phasma was shocked. First, Hux wanted to blow up a planet, then Kylo Ren wanted to kill the men, women, and children of a village. What was wrong with these people? Why did the men and women in charge of the First Order possess such murderous tendencies?</p><p>"I believe a minute of silence would be adequate Master Ren," Phasma tried to say, "and a..."</p><p>"Nonsense," Kylo said and let the bolt Dameron had fired against him free. The bolt hit a rock next to Finn.</p><p>
"What idiot did that?" Finn said as the bolt hit the rock.</p><p> </p><p>A few seconds later, an idea crossed Phasma's mind. Hopefully, her platoon would cooperate.</p><p>"Very well Master Ren," Phasma said. "My platoon will execute the villagers. But we will have to stay behind to gather them all, to make the war crime more... criminal."</p><p>"Good thinking," Kylo Ren said. "Put the Resistance prisoner in my transport. I will have some words with him myself."</p><p>"Yes Master Ren," Phasma said and gave the necessary orders for both tasks.</p><p>"And find where my coffee machine is," Kylo said the moment the transport door closed. "It was one of your troops that loaded it to Destruction. It was a personal gift from Supreme Leader Snoke."</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Phasma gathered her platoon around her.</p><p>"Have you gathered all villagers?" she asked them.</p><p>"Yes," Finn replied. "But are we really going to execute them as Kylo Ren ordered?"</p><p>"What do you think?" Phasma said. "That I volunteered us to stay behind to commit a war crime?" She let a few seconds pass.</p><p>"No," Phasma continued, "Other units would have no problem killing innocent men, women and children. I volunteered us because we won't."</p><p>"Are you saying we are going to disobey Kylo Ren's orders boss?" Finn asked.</p><p>"Exactly," Phasma said. "But we have to make it look real because they are watching us. Disobeying orders is one thing. But if Hux or Kylo Ren find out about our trick, they will send another platoon to finish the job and we are going to face a firing squad ourselves."</p><p>"I never signed up to become a war criminal boss," Finn said. "I just needed the money for a yoga studio.” Everyone else nodded in agreement.</p><p>"We are human beings, not monsters," Finn continued.</p><p>"Good," Phasma said. "Now, put your rifles in stun mode and fire at the villagers."</p><p>A few minutes later all fifty men, women and children in the village were 'dead'. In reality, they would wake up after one day, long enough time for the First Order to forget about them.</p><p>"One more thing," Phasma said when the 'war crime' was over. "Kylo Ren told me his coffee machine is missing. Do you know where could it be?" Reluctantly, Finn raised his hand.</p><p>"We left Starkiller Base in a hurry," Finn said, "and we didn't have time to load the coffee machine we 'borrowed' from Hux so I 'borrowed' another one. I didn't know it belonged to Ren."</p><p>"It's actually a personal gift from Snoke," Phasma said. "If he doesn't get it back, he will go mad and he has the Force and a lightsaber to punish us... not to mention he has Snoke's ear. You must return it at once," she said, addressing Finn.</p><p>"OK boss," Finn said.</p><p>"Dammit," FN-2181 and FN-2182 said in unison. "No more good coffee!"</p><p> </p><p>Inside Kylo's transport, an interesting conversation was taking place.</p><p>"Hello Mr. Dameron," Kylo said with a big, ironic smile on his face.</p><p>"Hello Mr. Solo," Poe said, equally ironic. "Or should I call you Kylo?"</p><p>
"Oh, Kylo Ren is better. It is more... artistic."</p><p>"What can I do for you... Kylo?" Poe asked in mock respect.</p><p>"Just tell me where you hid the map the old man gave you. You didn't have it with you when we searched you."</p><p>
"A map?" Poe said, feigning ignorance. "I don't know anything about a map. I only visited Jakku to meet a friend when you and your troops appeared." Kylo smiled.</p><p>"Since you and my godmother Amilyn are a couple, I will ask nicely... once. Where is the map?"</p><p>"Your godmother would never approve of you joining the First Order," Poe said.</p><p>"I know,” Kylo said. “She is a Vice-Admiral with the Resistance.”</p><p>"You burned her high-heel shoes collection," Poe said. “She is mad at you for that.”</p><p>"So what?" Kylo said. "She is tall and she rarely wears high-heels anyway."</p><p>"You could have used paper spaceships for your reenactment,” Poe said.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah Dameron. Now tell me where the map is."</p><p>"There is no map," Poe replied.</p><p>"OK then Dameron. Time to listen to some music... from a galaxy far, far away," Kylo said while his transport docked in the hangar.</p><p> </p><p>About an hour later, Finn visited Kylo Ren in his cabin, holding a big cardboard box with Kylo's coffee machine in it. (Drinking the awful First Order coffee was bad but having your arms, legs and head chopped by a lightsaber was even worse.)</p><p>"Master Ren," he said, "we found the coffee machine."</p><p>"Where had it been trooper?"</p><p>"It had been misplaced during the preparations for our mission," Finn lied hoping Kylo would not use the Force against him.</p><p>"It's good to have it back," Kylo said.</p><p>"By the way Master Ren," Finn asked, "what are we going to do to the prisoner?"</p><p>"We shall torture him," Kylo said with a smile. "We shall play him a CD with some horrific music performed by someone named... Cacofonix!" Kylo said, dismissing Finn.</p><p>"This is going to be a horrible torture," Finn told himself after he exited the cabin. “I must do something."</p><p> </p><p>The sun was setting when a bearded man wearing a black cape reached the Gaulish village coming from the beach. He was druid Panoramix who had just exited the portal. Asterix, Obelix and Idefix were there, waiting for him.</p><p>"What happened Panoramix?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Follow me,” the druid said. “We need to talk.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Gauls, Pirates, a Droid and an Escape!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In this chapter we learn:</p><p>a) What gift did Luke give Panoramix?</p><p>b) What happened to Obelix's 'beloved' pirates?</p><p>c) Why did Finn try to help Poe in TFA?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Asterix, Obelix and Idefix followed Panoramix in his hut. When they entered it, the druid shut the door, closed the windows and told them what had happened.</p><p>"... and the last thing I saw about Captain Dameron," Panoramix said, "was stormtroopers blowing his spaceship up. I hope he escaped... but I don't know."</p><p>"Did they get the map for Luke Skywalker?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"I don't know," Panoramix replied. "But Dameron had a droid. I believe the map is with it." Panoramix spent a minute explaining what a droid was and why spaceship pilots needed them for navigation.</p><p>"I saw the droid moving in the desert," Panoramix said, "away from the stormtroopers. Unfortunately, it moved away from me and I couldn't reach it."</p><p>"Is that connected with the First Order visit in our village?" Asterix asked, referring to the recent stormtrooper attempt to kidnap their druid.</p><p>"Perhaps they are connected," Panoramix said, "or perhaps it is a coincidence. In any case, we must find the droid and rescue Dameron."</p><p>After a few more minutes, the two Gauls left the village, heading straight to the cave with the hyperspace portal. Asterix drank some magic potion Panoramix, looked at the portal, took a deep breath and took a step towards it.</p><p>"Ready Obelix?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Ready Asterix," Obelix replied. Asterix nodded and entered the portal.</p><p>"Ready Idefix?" Idefix barked.</p><p>"Let's go Idefix! Let's hope they have many wild boars there... and stormtroopers to punch!" Obelix said and followed his best friend to a Galaxy, far, far away...</p><p> </p><p>Apart from Asterix, Obelix, Idefix, Panoramix, Yoda, and Luke Skywalker there had been another group of people who had used that particular hyperspace portal. They were the dreaded, the notorious, the fearsome... pirates!</p><p>OK... not exactly: the pirates are fearsome to non-Gauls only. For Gauls, the pirates are a welcome addition to their journeys!</p><p>Obelix in particular, loves the pirates as much as he loves the Romans! And unfortunately... for the pirates, he treats them the same way! Every time he and Asterix come across them, the result is always the same: they board their ship, they punch everyone on board and sink the ship in the process.</p><p>After so many encounters with the Gauls, the pirates became scared of them and immediately entered panic mode whenever they encountered them. In one occasion, they took the extreme measure to sink their own ship to avoid a Gaulish boarding believing that losing their ship is better than both losing their ship and getting punched.</p><p>"You are not playing fair," Obelix had shouted at them. He was frustrated he had missed the opportunity to punch them.</p><p>A few months after Panoramix met Luke Skywalker, Julius Caesar had tried another one of his plans to defeat the indomitable Gauls: he sent them a Roman, very skilled in causing disagreements and divisions among people. Fortunately, the Gauls didn't fall for his tricks and defeated him and the Roman troops in an epic battle outside the Gaulish village. Unfortunately for the pirates, they happened to be outside the Gaulish village coast during the battle. Even worse, a group of Gauls who had run out of Romans to punch attacked them instead, sinking their ship and forcing them to swim to shore. But that was when their luck changed.</p><p>After some hours hidden inside a cave to avoid the Gauls, the pirates noticed something strange: a light was coming from the cave interior. What could it be? Suspecting it might be a hidden treasure, the pirates approached only to discover... a hyperspace portal! One by one, the pirates entered it and found themselves in Jakku.</p><p>The pirates soon realized Jakku was the ideal place for them and established their new business there. There were no authorities to cause them any problems and none of the locals asked questions about who they were and how they had come to Jakku. In addition, nobody found them out of place: they were just another group of criminals in a planet full of criminals.</p><p>But the most important part was another: there were no Gauls around! For three years, the pirates were the happiest people in the Galaxy. Their business prospered and they had no reason to return to Earth.</p><p>"We are so happy and so safe here," the pirate captain told his men. "Even attacking us with blasters is a thousand times better than Obelix!"</p><p>Little did they know that a droid going their direction would change things for them...</p><p> </p><p>While Poe was enjoying the First Order 'hospitality' and Panoramix was informing Asterix and Obelix about his adventure in Jakku, BB-8, Poe's personal astromech droid, was slowly crossing the Jakku desert.</p><p>BB-8 didn't know whether Poe had survived the encounter with the enemy or not. He also didn't know whether there was a way to help Poe. What he did know was that he had to run away because the map for Luke Skywalker was too important to lose.</p><p>After slowly moving through the desert, the droid reached a cantina that looked like a combination between a restaurant, a hotel, a bar, and a place for criminals to do their illegal transactions.</p><p>The cantina had a strange shape looking like a sailing ship like the ones that crossed the seas of Earth during Obelix's times. It even had one big mast in the middle of it with an observation post on it. BB-8 noticed a man inside the post constantly scanning the horizon.</p><p>On top of the mast, a flag was waving. But it was very strange one, one nobody in the Galaxy had seen before: it was black with a skull and crossbones, a pirate flag! (Yes, I know there are pirates in that Galaxy but none of them has a flag like that. This a unique flag!)</p><p>"A'oy Cap'ain," the black man on the observation post said and rang a bell next to him. The man had a speech impediment, the result of a punch he had received years ago... by none other than Obelix himself!</p><p>"What is it?" a red-haired, red-bearded man asked upon listening to the bell ringing. He was the man's boss and his people called him 'Captain'. He had lost one of his eyes and wore an eye patch, the result of a failed piracy attempt many years ago.</p><p>"A d'oid," the black man said.</p><p>"I can also see the droid Captain," an old short man said. The man was old, he had lost on leg in a work-related injury (a failed piracy) and he was walking with a cane. Occasionally, that particular man spoke with latin aphorisms.</p><p>"So do I," the red-bearded man asked. "What are we going to do with it?"</p><p>"We can sell it," the old man said. "We will let it come to us, keep it in one of our rooms and then..."<br/>A few minutes later, BB-8 reached the red-bearded man.</p><p>"Good morning, Mr. Droid," the captain said. "What can I do for you?" BB-8 bleeped several times. Fortunately, the captain had learned droid speak.</p><p>"You need a place to stay and hire a pilot and a spaceship for an unknown location," the red-bearded man said. BB-8 bleeped.</p><p>"No we don't have pilots or spaceships available," the pirate captain said, "but we have some rooms for humans. We shall charge one for a third of the price because you won't use the bed or the toilet and you don't need to eat."</p><p>BB-8 bleeped in agreement. The captain nodded and ordered the one-legged man to show BB-8 his room.</p><p>"Are you thinking what I am thinking captain?" the one-legged man asked when he returned a few minutes later and the droid was out of earshot.</p><p>"Yes," the red-bearded man said. "I heard the shots from the nearby village last night. And I heard the rumors about the First Order. Perhaps... they want the droid."</p><p>"So what do we do captain?" the one-legged man asked.</p><p>"We wait for them to come. If they come within two days, we sell the droid to them. If they don't ... there are always other customers."</p><p> </p><p>After listening to Kylo Ren's description about Cacofonix's songs as a torture device, Finn went to his bunk and tried to contemplate things.</p><p>Finn hadn't joined the First Order for ideology or for militarism but simply to make money to open his own business. His plan had been to stay for his five-year contract, spend as little money as possible and deposit the rest. Fortunately, he spent next to nothing because the First Order provided the weapons, the training, the equipment, the food and the shelter. (He also 'borrowed' the coffee and the coffee machine but that's another story.)</p><p>If things had remained that way, Finn would be honorably discharged in three years, use the money to open a yoga studio or partner with FN-2188 and FN-2189 and open a gym together and forget about the Order. He had no sympathy for them and no desire to maintain contact with them. He only liked Phasma and the troopers of his platoon and these were the only ones he would keep in touch with. He would even offer them free lifetime membership in his yoga studio if they wished.</p><p>When Finn joined the First Order, he understood he had to obey his bosses. He also understood he would be forced to do things he disliked such as daily boot polishing, daily shaving, parade drills, making your bed in a very specific way every morning and other such things an army forces its members to do. He had even been lucky because his boss, Captain Phasma was like him: she had joined the First Order to earn enough money to start her own hair salon and for that reason she had no career ambitions and no militaristic spirit making her very lenient towards him and the rest of the platoon.</p><p>Finn had always believed the First Order were just a bunch of harmless Palpatine sympathizers who were all talk and nothing more than that. He never believed he would have to fight and kill others, especially harmless civilians. But the First Order had ordered him to do exactly that.</p><p>Finn was really happy Captain Phasma had disobeyed Kylo's orders sparing the innocent civilians. But you can only pull this trick off when nobody is watching you. What if Kylo or Hux or another First Order officer ordered them to do the same in the future? This time their bosses could find out about their trick. Finn and his platoon would be court-martialled and face the firing squad while other soldiers would pull execute the unarmed civilians anyway.</p><p>"Are we the bad guys here?" Finn asked himself. "How many people are we going to kill? Billions?<br/>But Finn knew the answer. After all, he had heard the rumors about the Starkiller Base superweapon, which was more powerful than the Death Star itself!</p><p>“And besides, you don't blow up planets just for the fun of it. You blow them up because you want to destroy your opposition and terrorize the rest of the Galaxy. And all that, to conquer and enslave.”</p><p>What about that Resistance pilot named Poe Dameron? Granted, he had opened fire against them but he had used nonlethal stun bolts to spare them. If a First Order trooper had been in the same situation, what would he do? He would probably opt for the lethal ones.</p><p>What was Dameron's mission? Finn didn't know but certainly it was something the First Order opposed. And perhaps Finn should oppose them too. Perhaps...</p><p>A few minutes later, Finn reached his decision and formulated a plan of action.</p><p>"OK buddy," Finn told himself and stood up. "Let's get to work."</p><p>Since Finn had no way to know whether Phasma and the rest of the platoon would assist him, he decided to go alone. Fortunately, his plan didn't need them.</p><p>A few minutes later, Finn was in front of his first obstacle: the two stormtroopers who guarded Poe's cell. Both carried rifles and had orders not to let anyone in. Fortunately, Finn had planned for that.</p><p>"I am here to escort the prisoner to General Hux for interrogation," Finn said.</p><p>"General Hux is supposed to come here to interrogate," one of the guards replied.</p><p>"Well," Finn said with his most innocent voice, "the General is quite busy now. He has a briefing with an officer" That was not a lie. Hux had a briefing with Phasma about a new mission on Earth. But Finn decided to spin the story a bit to suit his purposes.</p><p>"...a female officer,” Finn said in a crooked voice, “... if you know what I mean." Both stormtroopers burst into laughter.</p><p>"I think the General's insights will be very... penetrating,” one of the two guards said.</p><p>The trick had worked! Still laughing, the stormtroopers opened the door. Even better, one of them lent Finn a pair of handcuffs. Finn smiled. The handcuffs would make his plan appear more realistic.</p><p>Finn looked at Poe. The Resistance officer was sitting on a metal chair bolted on the floor with his arms tied on the armrests. He had his eyes closed but he opened them the moment Finn entered the cell.</p><p>"Hello Captain Dameron," Finn said. "I am here to escort you... to General Hux."</p><p>"No need to bother yourself," Poe said playfully. "Just open the door and let me out. I will find the way myself." Despite his captivity and his torture, Poe maintained his sense of humor.</p><p>Finn unchained Poe from the chair and cuffed him with the handcuffs behind his back. He also picked Poe's datapad up from a nearby table and an envelope containing a letter from Amilyn.</p><p> </p><p>Poe was grateful the First Order interrogators hadn't opened the envelope yet. Amilyn's letters contained vivid descriptions of sexual activities he had performed with her. Usually, she used euphemisms to describe them but everyone would understand a phrase like 'Fire your proton torpedoes at my exhaust port!' or 'Land your spaceship in my hangar!”.</p><p>A few minutes later, Finn escorted the handcuffed Poe outside the cell. The two stormtroopers guarding it were still laughing.</p><p>"I hope the General's briefing is over," one of them said.</p><p>"I am sure he did all the talking," the other said implying the female officer had a full mouth (Yes, you know what that means!) Both burst into laughter again. Finn smiled under his helmet and kept walking. He hated he had implied bad things about Captain Phasma, a person who liked and admired but he had no choice.</p><p>About five minutes later, Finn stopped in front of a small warehouse. Using a 'borrowed' keycard, he opened the door, pushed Poe inside and closed and locked the door behind them. Poe looked around him. The warehouse was full of stormtrooper helmets, belts and armor.</p><p>"Change of plans," Finn said the moment the door closed. "We are not going to Hux."</p><p>Finn removed his helmet, unlocked Poe's handcuffs and returned him his datapad and Amilyn's letter. Poe looked at Finn, totally puzzled.</p><p>"Who are you?" Poe asked. "Aren't you a stormtrooper?"</p><p>"I am," Finn replied, "but I didn't join them for ideological reasons."</p><p>"Let me guess," Poe said. "You joined them to save money to open a yoga studio." Finn looked at him, surprised and impressed.</p><p>"How did you guess about the yoga studio?" Finn asked.</p><p>"Well," Poe said, surprised he had found it, "it was a lucky guess I think."</p><p>"Anyway Captain,” Finn said. “There are some things I need to tell you."</p><p> </p><p>While Finn was informing Poe about Starkiller Base, the First Order plans and the reasons why he was helping him, two Gauls and a dog reached Jakku through a hyperspace portal.</p><p>"I hope they have boars here," Obelix said.</p><p>"I don't think so Obelix," Asterix replied. "This is a desert planet and boars only live in forests."</p><p>"I hope there are desert boars then," Obelix said. "Or desert forests with boars in them.”</p><p>"But Obelix," Asterix said, "how would they the forest trees get water if..."</p><p>Suddenly, Idefix barked and Asterix's phrase was left unfinished.</p><p>"Hey, what is it?" Obelix asked. Idefix started running towards a nearby village, the same one Panoramix had visited for his meeting with Poe.</p><p>"Why are they all asleep?" Obelix asked. "And why are they in rows like that?"</p><p>"It is as if someone had orders to kill them but decided to spare them," Asterix replied. "Let's wake them up."</p><p>About an hour later, all villagers – about fifty people in total – were up. They informed Asterix, Obelix, and Idefix about the First Order raid and the fake execution.</p><p>"So Poe Dameron was here," Asterix said, "but they captured him. That means he is alive. Good!”<br/>“Yes Asterix,” Obelix said. “But where is he?”</p><p>He must be in a big spaceship now."</p><p>"If Poe is in a spaceship, how do we reach him?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"We can't," Asterix said. "Unless he comes to us. But he has to escape first."</p><p> </p><p>"So Finn," Poe Dameron said, "they are building a superweapon in Starkiller Base." They were on a first name basis now.</p><p>"That's right Poe. They only lack uranium for the reactors to activate it. But Hux is searching for that."</p><p>"If that is the case, I need to inform my superiors in the Resistance. But how do I escape from... " Poe suddenly stopped talking and looked around him.</p><p>“Nice plan Finn,” Poe said with a smile. “Honestly, I never expected I would ever wear stormtrooper armor.”</p><p>“Get dressed and I will get you to the hangar,” Finn said. “I am sure you can pilot a First Order starfighter.”</p><p>A few minutes later, Poe – wearing full body stormtrooper armor and a face-covering helmet – reached the hangar. Finn was next to him.</p><p>As a pilot and a Resistance officer, Poe Dameron knew how a First Order capital ship operated. For security reasons, each one of them had a squadron of starfighters patrolling around it at all times that. Every three hours the patrolling squadron was replaced with a fresh one.</p><p>"When is the next squadron going out?" Poe asked.</p><p>"In a few minutes," Finn said. "You must hurry. Good luck Poe.”</p><p>"Thanks for the assistance Finn," Poe said. "By the way, you can join me if you wish."</p><p>"I could Poe," Finn said, "but my bosses will find out and they will punish my captain and the rest of my platoon for that. I'd better try to convince my platoon to join us first."</p><p>"As you wish Finn. By the way, the Resistance might pay a visit to Starkiller Base if they confirm your story. You and your platoon might be able to help us."</p><p>"If they join me, they will," Finn said. Both men shook hands.</p><p>"Good luck Captain Dameron," Finn said.</p><p>"Thanks for all Finn," Poe said.</p><p>"I really believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."</p><p> </p><p>A squadron of ten First Order TIE starfighters was ready to take off to take over patrol duties around Destruction. The last of them was only ten meters away from Poe, its canopy open and its pilot inside it.</p><p>"Excuse me Captain," Poe told the pilot.</p><p>"What is it trooper?" the pilot asked. He had the rank of Lieutenant but Poe had intentionally called him Captain knowing such a mistake secretly flattered the one who heard it and made him/her more willing to cooperate. (After all, when was the last time you mistook someone for higher ranking than he/she was and he/she complained? They only complain when you mistake them for lower rank.)<br/>"General Hux wants to see you immediately Captain," Poe said. "He is on the bridge."</p><p>The pilot had no way to know whether the trooper was telling the truth. But if the trooper lied, it would be he who would be punished and not the pilot. On the other hand, if the trooper told the truth and the pilot didn't go to the bridge, Hux would punish him.</p><p>In both cases, the pilot had nothing to lose if he complied but potentially a lot to lose if he didn't. He shrugged and exited the cockpit leaving Poe alone with the starfigher.</p><p>A few seconds later, Poe entered the cockpit and closed the canopy. Hopefully, the darkened canopy glass would prevent the people in the hangar from noticing him.</p><p>Inside the cockpit, Poe looked at the controls in front of him. He had never piloted a First Order starfighter before but fortunately, he was an experienced pilot who thousands of hours of flying experience and piloting a TIE could not be that hard. Soon he had familiarized himself with the basic controls.</p><p>A few minutes later, the starfighters exited Destruction, replacing the ones currently patrolling. Inside the last starfighter Poe pushed a throttle in front of him and joined them. Moving slowly forward, his starfighter approached the hangar door. A few agonizing seconds later, he was flying in space.</p><p>"OK BB-8," Poe told himself, "I am coming for you." And with those words, the Resistance officer accelerated the starfighter and left the formation.</p><p>"Hey, where are you going?" the squadron leader said on the radio when Poe broke formation. Poe ignored him.</p><p>"Come back!" the squadron leader ordered. Poe simply turned the radio off and kept accelerating.</p><p>"Fighters Two and Three," the squadron leader ordered. "Follow him." The two fighter pilots did as ordered while the squadron leader contacted the Destruction bridge.</p><p>"I need to talk to the General. Now!"</p><p> </p><p>Inside the Destruction bridge, General Hux and Captain Phasma were talking. Hux had some new orders for her.</p><p>"In a few days, you and your platoon will have to go to Earth again."</p><p>Phasma's heart almost stopped. Would she see Obelix again?</p><p>"Are we going to the Gaulish village again?" Phasma asked, full of hope.</p><p>"No," Hux said and checked his datapad. "You are going to a place named... Sicily where Julius Caesar has gathered uranium."</p><p>Phasma was so sad. She had lost the opportunity to see Obelix. But she had no choice but to obey. Disobeying a direct order could result either to demotion and permanent duty as a garbage compactor cleaner or to a meeting with the firing squad... of the deadly kind!</p><p>It was at that moment that a First Order pilot entered the bridge asking for General Hux.<br/>"You asked to see me General?" the pilot asked.</p><p>"No," Hux replied. "Who are you?" At the same time, the squadron leader's message reached the bridge.</p><p>"A starfighter broke formation?" Hux asked and looked at the pilot in front of him. "What number?" The squadron leader replied.</p><p>"Number Ten," Hux said. "Yours?" he asked the pilot.</p><p>"Yes General," the pilot replied. "A stormtrooper approached me and told me you wanted to see me. Apparently, it was he who stole the starfighter."</p><p>"Squadron leader?" Hux asked. "Did you try to talk with TIE fighter Ten?"</p><p>"I did sir but he turned the radio off," came the reply.</p><p>"Can you just damage the starfighter and tow it back to the hangar?" Hux asked.</p><p>"That's impossible sir."</p><p>"Too bad," Hux said. "We have no choice but to lose the starfighter. You are in AM protocol now. I will send the activation signal from here."</p><p>"Yes General," the squadron leader replied.</p><p> </p><p>Decades ago, when the Empire still existed and Palpatine ruled it, something totally unexpected happened: during the battle of Endor, Darth Vader, Palpatine's most trusted subordinate, mutinied against his boss and killed him. That was a lesson the First Order never forgot.</p><p>To counter the dangers of mutiny, the Order developed the Anti-Mutiny protocol (or AM for short). For ground units, the protocol stated that if an individual stormtrooper or a military unit mutinied, all remaining First Order units in the vicinity had standing orders to immediately open fire against them.</p><p>For aerial and space units, a more technological approach existed: every spaceship was equipped with a transmitter that made First Order missiles home on it when activated. Normally, such missiles use radar or heat signals for homing but pilots can always use flares or chaff or flying maneuvers to evade them. On the other hand, the activated AM-transmitter emits a strong signal First Order missiles cannot miss.</p><p> </p><p>From the radar console , Poe looked at the two fighters hunting him down. Then suddenly...</p><p>"Oh no," he said. "Three, four, six... eight missiles!"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Quiz: <br/>a) The story about the pirates sinking their own ship to avoid the Gauls comes from... which Asterix story?</p><p>b) Finn's: 'This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship' comes from a non-Star Wars related movie. Which one?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Rescuing a pilot... in Jakku!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Asterix and Obelix reach a crashed starfighter and rescue the pilot.</p><p>Phasma and her platoon are back in Jakku.</p><p>Also... pirates!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter answers a very important question:</p><p>- Who rescued Poe Dameron when he crashed on Jakku?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The two Gauls looked at each other, then looked at Idefix, then back at each other again.</p><p>"You know Asterix," Obelix said while reading Luke's book, " I am reading Master Skywalker's recipe about roasted porgs with tomato sauce in the oven."</p><p>"And?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Master Skywalker needs to improve his cooking," Obelix said. "The sauce is too strong and makes the meet secondary to the dish. And the meat needs to be marinated with some rosemary and olive oil."</p><p>"Perhaps they don't have such things in their Galaxy," Asterix said, "and..." A loud noise cut Asterix's talking short.</p><p>The noise was like the one a starfighter made when it fell from the sky at a very fast speed. Asterix looked at Obelix and both Gauls looked at the sky. Both saw a TIE fighter falling really fast and eight missiles chasing it.</p><p>Suddenly, something ejected the spaceship. It looked like a seat with a man strapped on it. </p><p>Supposedly, the seat had a parachute but for some reason, it didn't open and the man started falling to the ground at a very high speed. Meanwhile, the spaceship crashed onto the desert sand with a loud noise and the eight missiles chasing it hit it one second later, completely destroying what was left it.</p><p>A few seconds later, the pilot's seat, with its pilot still strapped on it, hit the ground and got buried in the sand. Idefix, the legendary Gaulish dog, wasted no time. The moment the seat hit the ground, he rushed towards it. Asterix and Obelix followed suit.</p><p>"Are you thinking what I am thinking Asterix?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"Yes, Obelix. I think we just found our pilot."</p><p> </p><p>The desert sand was soft and that had prevented the pilot's death when he hit the ground. Unfortunately, it also meant the pilot was now buried in the sand up to his neck and to make things worse, he was still strapped on the seat, unable to move or free himself.</p><p>"At least I am alive," Poe Dameron told himself. He had seen the starfighter crashing to the ground and the missiles finishing it off. Had he stayed inside it, he would have been blown to bits.</p><p>Poe Dameron thought for a few seconds. The enemy starfighters had fired eight missiles against him but for some reason he had been unable to evade them. Despite maneuvering his starfighter and using chaff and flares to distract them, all missiles had followed him and all had found their target.</p><p>That could only mean the AM protocol the First Order had developed really existed, an interesting piece of information Poe should add to his report to Leia Organa.</p><p>For the time being though, Poe had to free himself. Unfortunately, he was still bruised, his body ached everywhere and his only hope to survive was if someone found and rescued him.</p><p>Suddenly, he heard the sound of a dog barking from behind him and a man talking.</p><p>"Asterix?" the man said. "Idefix found him!"</p><p> </p><p>"So?" Armitage Hux asked.</p><p>"You were right General," Phasma replied. "It was Poe Dameron who stole the starfighter. Somehow, he escaped from his cell and stole a stormtrooper uniform."</p><p>"I wonder how he escaped," Hux said so Phasma explained what the two stormtroopers guarding him had told her.</p><p>"So," Hux said, "a stormtrooper decided to free Dameron. Was he an enemy spy or a traitor? We must find him and when I find him I will force him to listen to the Cacofonix CD till his eyes bleed!"</p><p>"The two stormtroopers are in custody now," Phasma said. "My platoon is guarding them. Perhaps they will remember more details soon."</p><p>Phasma had no knowledge who had freed Poe. But she had a slight suspicion... and deeply inside her she was not exactly sad Dameron had escaped.</p><p>An urgent electronic message reached Hux's datapad. It was the report about the attack against the TIE starfighter Poe had stolen.</p><p>"The starfighter has crashed into the desert," Hux said. "W don't know whether Dameron survived... and we still don't have the map for Skywalker."</p><p>"I believe," Phasma said, "Supreme Leader Snoke won't like that we don't have the map." Hux nodded in agreement.</p><p>Hux examined the situation. Dameron had no map on his person when they captured him. That either meant Lor San Tekka never gave him a map or that Dameron had hidden it somewhere in the desert before his capture. Perhaps, Lor San Tekka was still hidden in Jakku or perhaps he had an accomplice or perhaps Poe Dameron would lead them to the map if he had survived. Hux had no way to know which of the above options was true. But he knew there was only one way to find out.</p><p>"We need to send a platoon down there," Hux said, "to search for Dameron, the map or Lor San Tekka."</p><p>Phasma was immediately worried. If a platoon went down there, catastrophe would ensue. There was only one way to avert it.</p><p>"I volunteer to go General," Phasma immediately said.</p><p>Thirty minutes later, Phasma and her platoon were inside a transport and flying towards the Jakku desert. Once more, FN-2181 and FN-2182 were piloting, Finn was manning the gun turret and the rest of the platoon were sitting and waiting for the transport to land.</p><p>There were some murmurs within the platoon. For some peculiar reason, landing on a desert during the hottest and sunniest part of the day to search for someone was something the stormtroopers disliked. (OK, they were right. Who volunteers to go to the desert like that?)</p><p>"That bastard stormtrooper!" FN-2181 said. "And we had to go during the hottest part of the day!."</p><p>"That jerkass!" FN-2182 said. "I wanted to enjoy some idle time but I won't!" Like many soldiers, FN-2182 considered sleep and idleness the best part of his army service.</p><p>"That asshole!" FN-2183 said.</p><p>"That traitor!" FN-2184.</p><p>"That... great person!" Finn said. He had been the one who had freed Poe but he hadn't told the rest of his platoon for reasons who have by now become obvious.</p><p>All eyes fell on Finn.</p><p>"Just kidding," he said with his most innocent smile. Phasma noticed that and that only reinforced her suspicion. But she decided to say nothing.</p><p>A few minutes later, the transport reached Jakku. FN-2181 and FN-2182 stayed to guard it and Phasma with the rest of the platoon walked towards a nearby village, the same one they had raided the previous night. Their orders were to search it and keep exploring the surrounding desert till they found Poe and recapture him... if he was still alive.</p><p>"I know you are all upset," Phasma said. "I know you don't like I volunteered you for this mission. But who will explain why I did it?"</p><p>"I will boss," Finn said, full of enthusiasm.</p><p>"Go ahead," Phasma said.</p><p>"Last night," Finn said, "we were ordered to execute some villagers but we disobeyed the order. If another platoon came instead of us, they would discover the villagers are still alive, report us and then..." Finn paused for emphasis for a few seconds.</p><p>"Hux will force us to listen to Cacofonix's music until the firing squad comes and then... boom, boom, boom!" For some reason, he had a lot of enthusiasm when he said the last words, something that made the rest of the platoon a bit upset.</p><p>"You have a macabre sense of humor," Phasma said, "but you are essentially right." The rest of the platoon nodded and stood up with much more enthusiasm than before.</p><p>"OK," Phasma said, "let's start searching."</p><p> </p><p>Since Poe was still buried in the desert, Obelix used his superhuman strength to lift him with the seat. When he was free, Asterix used his sword to cut the belt that kept him strapped.</p><p>"I will give you some magic potion," Asterix told Poe and offered him his canteen. The Resistance officer took took a sip from the canteen and...</p><p>"Wow!" he said full of enthusiasm. "I feel greater than ever! It also tastes great? What is it?"</p><p>"It is a magic potion our druid has created," Obelix said. "It contains among others salt, olive oil and rosemary that both improve its taste and strengthen the distinct culinary characteristics of the other ingredients."</p><p>"Obelix," Asterix said, "I think you are forgetting something."</p><p>"You are right Asterix," Obelix said full of enthusiasm, "I almost forgot it. Another important characteristic is that the potion should be boiled for a specific number of hours at a specific cauldron at a specific temperature. Failure to do so will result in a much poorer taste without the potion's subtle and distinctive characteristics."</p><p>"No Obelix," Asterix said. "I don't mean that."</p><p>"Oh yes Asterix," Obelix said, still full of enthusiasm. "We should remember the context of the Gaulish culinary habits. Our druid follows..."</p><p>Asterix and Poe remained speechless. Obelix and Idefix though were beaming with pride. It was so nice to explain the culinary secrets of the Gauls to other people.</p><p>"Of course," Obelix continued, "we have to import the olive oil from Greece but that is no problem because we have a friend..."</p><p>"Obelix," Asterix said, "our mission..." Obelix suddenly stopped.</p><p>"Oh yes Asterix, you are right," Obelix said. "I sometimes get carried away. My friend," he said, addressing Poe, "have you seen Poe Dameron?" Poe gave Obelix a surprised look.</p><p>"Yes, that's me," Poe replied. "Who are you people?"</p><p>"We are Asterix and Obelix," Asterix said, "and the dog is Idefix!"</p><p>"I am so grateful you saved my live Asterix, Obelix," Poe said. Idefix barked. "... and Idefix."</p><p> </p><p>After Poe had regained his strength – thanks to the magic potion – the Gauls spent the next few minutes informing him about Panoramix and about their mission.</p><p>"And that's why Luke Skywalker," Asterix said, "asked for our druid to assume the name Lor San Tekka and meet you. He was supposed to give you a map."</p><p>"He did," Poe said, "but the First Order cornered me and I had to give it to my droid before they captured me. We must find him before the First Order does."</p><p>"How can we do that?" Asterix said.</p><p>"That's easy," Poe said and checked his datapad, which fortunately hadn't been damaged. "My droid has a transmitter and I can locate it with my datapad." Obelix looked at the datapad with a sad look.</p><p>"If only the Romans had transmitters like your droid," he said. Asterix gave him a knowing look, full of sadness himself.</p><p>"I know Obelix," Asterix said. "They have become too scared of us lately. I miss punching them."</p><p> </p><p>"Here it is," FN-2183 shouted. "The crashed starfighter." Phasma and the rest of the platoon immediately looked at the direction their colleague was pointing out.</p><p>"I can see it," Phasma said, checking with her binoculars. "What is left from it I mean. OK everyone, follow me."</p><p>A few minutes later, Phasma's platoon had surrounded the crashed TIE fighter. There was not much left from it though. It had crashed in the desert going full speed and the eight missiles that had chased it had blown its remains to bits.</p><p>"OK," Phasma said. "If he didn't eject, he is dead. Search for the pilot's seat.</p><p>A hundred meters away from the starfighter, Phasma found the ejected pilot's seat, next to a hole in the desert. It was as if someone very strong had picked it up. But the pilot was not strapped on it.</p><p>"Someone assisted him in his escape," Phasma said. "Look at the seat belt. Someone cut it with a sword or with a knife."</p><p>"They were two of them boss," FN-2183 said and gestured to the desert sand. Phasma took a careful look. She could observe three pairs of human footsteps. Judging from their depth, one of them belonged to a man of average weight like Poe Dameron, another one to someone lighter, and the final one to someone much heavier.</p><p>"There are also footsteps from a small animal," Finn said. "Probably a dog."</p><p>"OK everyone," Phasma said. "We are looking for Poe Dameron and two men and a dog who accompany him. Let's run."</p><p> </p><p>"According to my datapad," Poe Dameron said, "my droid is straight ahead."</p><p>"He must be in that big building down there," Asterix said, "that looks... like a sailing ship!"</p><p>Obelix started sniffing the air, something that surprised Poe. On the other hand, Asterix found Obelix's behavior totally acceptable.</p><p>"It is a combination of a restaurant, a hotel and a spaceship rental facility," Obelix said. Idefix barked in satisfaction.</p><p>"I know Idefix," Obelix said. "I have a good nose."</p><p>"I am impressed Obelix," Poe said. "Can you really find so many details just by smelling?"</p><p>"Yes," Asterix said. "Obelix has the best nose in Gaul. Even the best trained dogs can't compete with him."</p><p>"They don't have boars there," Obelix said, disappointed. "I can't smell any of them. And I am getting hungry."/p&gt;

</p><p> </p><p>"My boots are full of dust," one of the stormtroopers complained.</p><p>"So are mine," Phasma said. "But the faster we reach them, the better."</p><p>FN-2183 was the fastest and most lightly armed of them was scouting ahead. Suddenly he started running towards the rest of the platoon.</p><p>"I can see them!" FN-2183 shouted from the intercom. "It's... it's the Ga... Ga..."</p><p>"The Ga...Ga?" Phasma asked from the intercom. "Are you all right FN-2183?"</p><p>"No!" he said. "No! Not them again!"</p><p>"Them?" Phasma asked.</p><p>"The Gauls from Earth! They are here!" Just like everyone else in Phasma's platoon, FN-2183 had vivid memories from the punching the Gauls had inflicted on them.</p><p>Soon, everyone in Phasma's platoon was on top of the sand hill, covered in sand to remain unnoticed.<br/>
"It is a nightmare," Finn said. "They are immune to our fire. We can't defeat them."</p><p>"What if we asked for an aerial bombardment?" FN-2183 asked Phasma. But Phasma didn't pay attention. Her mind was focused on... Obelix!</p><p>"You are back my Gaul," she whispered, having completely fallen for Obelix days ago. "You make my so happy."</p><p>"Captain?" FN-2183 asked again, since Obelix had fully absorbed Phasma's attention.</p><p>"Yes?" Phasma said, a bit embarrassed. Fortunately, nobody had noticed her.</p><p>The platoon examined their options. Option one would be to attack themselves. But remembering what had happened against them on Earth, everyone agreed it would be a bad idea.</p><p>"It was as if a starfighter crashed on my chest," Finn said.</p><p>Option two was to call for an air strike. But doing so would possibly kill Dameron and how would they interrogate him if he died? Even worse, it might harm Obelix and Phasma didn't want that... although she suspected the mighty Gaul was strong enough to survive a direct hit from the Death Star itself!</p><p>"If we call an air strike," Finn said, "our bombers will fly above the village and they will observe the villagers are still alive."</p><p>"And everyone will know we disobeyed Kylo Ren," Phasma said, continuing Finn's thought, "and our bosses will order the bombers to drop some bombs on our heads."</p><p>Option three was to call for ground reinforcements. But the reinforcements would also report the villagers were still alive, something deadly for Phasma and her platoon.</p><p>"So option four is the only one left," Phasma said. "We report Dameron is dead and we forget we saw footsteps on the desert sand. After all, the wind will erase them in a few hours."</p><p>"We should also bury the ejected pilot's seat in the desert," Finn suggested. "Our starfighters might see it if we don't."</p><p>"Good idea," Phasma said. "We just push it in the hole next to it and drop some sand on top of it. We forget we saw Dameron and the Gauls escaping and we never say anything to anyone about what happened down here."</p><p>"I saw you again my Gaul!" she said. "I am sure I will meet you again!"</p><p> </p><p>Observing the desert horizon from the top of his mast, the pirate saw Poe and the two Gauls approaching. He looked at them... and again... and again. He could not believe his eyes!<br/>
After taking lots of deep breaths to calm himself, the pirate started ringing the bell next to him. But he was still in panic mode and he kept ringing the bell without stop.</p><p>"What is it?" the red-haired pirate captain said.</p><p>"The... the Ga... Ga..."</p><p>"The Ga...Ga?" the captain asked, took a look for himself... and panicked as well.</p><p>"The Ga... the Ga..." he said while rushing inside the building.</p><p>"What is it boss?" another pirate asked.</p><p>"The Gauls are here! The Gauls from our galaxy, our planet. That short-blond-haired one and the tall, red-haired one, the one with that dog!"</p><p>All pirates were stunned. They remembered the punches, the shipwrecks, the fear those two Gauls had caused them. They remembered the occasions they had sunk their own ship to avoid the beating. They remembered how happy and serene their life had been all those years in Jakku. After all, they only had to deal with organized crime, blaster bolts, blackmail, the First Order and high-powered spaceships, all harmless compared to Asterix and... Obelix!</p><p>"OK," the pirate captain said, "close all doors and windows and pretend we are not here. Maybe they are not looking for us."</p><p> </p><p>"Strange," Poe Dameron said. "I thought the building was open."</p><p>"Indeed," Asterix said. "But they suddenly closed all doors."</p><p>"Did they stop for a lunch break?" Obelix asked. Idefix barked next to him.</p><p>"Afraid of us Idefix?" Obelix asked. "I wonder why. We are friendly and peaceful people after all. Anyway, I will knock the door." And with those words, Obelix stepped forward towards the pirates' establishment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Poe Dameron in Armorice!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Poe Dameron recovers his droid and reaches Panoramix in Armorice.</p><p>Meamwhile, Phasma and her platoon continue their mission, trying to locate a place... to eat pizza!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Obelix and his dog Idefix approached the building. For some reason, all doors and all windows appeared to be closed.</p><p>"But they were open just three minutes ago Idefix," Obelix said. "What happened? Did they run out of food?" Idefix barked.</p><p>"Yes, it is strange Idefix," Obelix agreed. "Anyway, I will knock."</p><p>Of course, knocking the door often has unexpected outcomes for Obelix. The mighty Gaul put too much force on his knocking – something he had done dozens of times in the past – , causing the door to fall to the ground and Idefix to bark.</p><p>"I know, Idefix," Obelix said. "I sometimes put too much strength. But that's OK, I will put the door back in place and pay for the damages."</p><p>Obelix entered the building and looked around him. The place appeared deserted. Had everyone left? Or were they hidden somewhere?</p><p>"Hello," Obelix said a few seconds later. "Is anybody there?" But nobody answered.</p><p>"Hello again," Obelix said. "Where is everybody?"</p><p>"Down... here," a voice said in a whisper. That puzzled Obelix.</p><p>"Down... where?" the Gaul asked.</p><p>"Under... the door," the voice said.</p><p>Obelix lifted the door, only to discover a red-haired man under it. The man appeared to be in a bad shape, something that puzzled Obelix.</p><p>"He must have a very stressful job," Obelix told his dog while lifting the man up. "Having your own business has that kind of effect." Idefix barked next to him.</p><p>"Oh, you mean the man is in bad shape because I knocked the door on him and stepped on it!" Obelix said. "You are a very smart dog Idefix!"</p><p>Meanwhile, Asterix and Poe Dameron entered the building and stood next to Obelix and Idefix. The red-haired man looked at Obelix, then Idefix, then Asterix, then back to Obelix... and his face took a panicked form!</p><p>Two minutes passed like that. The red haired man was observing Poe, Asterix, Obelix, and Idefix but he remained silent and reluctant to start talking. Poe decided to start the talking himself.</p><p>"Good morning sir," he said. "We are looking for a droid and we believe he is here." The red-haired man looked at Poe for a few seconds. Suddenly, the realization hit him.</p><p>"A spherical one?" The pirate captain asked.</p><p>"Yes," Poe replied. "He is white with orange stripes."</p><p>The pirate was in a dilemma. On the one hand, he wanted to sell the droid to make money. On the other hand... Obelix!</p><p>"Oh yes," the pirate said, "that droid is here. I will fetch it for you." (You never mess with Obelix when you are a pirate!)</p><p>The pirate rushed to the building interior, in the area where the rooms to let were. The droid and his men were hidden there.</p><p>"What 'appen'd boss?" the pirate with the broken teeth asked when he saw him running.</p><p>"It is the Gauls," the pirate captain said. "I don't know how they came here but we are lucky. They haven't recognized us yet."</p><p>"What 'o they 'ant boss?" the pirate asked again.</p><p>"The man with them wants the droid. Bring it to me."</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, the pirate captain was back to the Gauls and Poe, holding the droid in his hands.</p><p>
"BB-8!" Poe said when he saw his droid. "I am back!" The droid gave an enthusiastic bleep.</p><p>"Yes, I am OK. They tortured me a little, but I am free now." BB-8 gave another bleep.</p><p>"Oh you didn't have money with you," Poe said. "OK, I will fix that." Poe looked at the pirate captain.</p><p>
"How much for the droid hospitality and the door sir?"</p><p>The captain looked at the Gauls. If he negotiated for the price, Asterix and Obelix would stay there longer and they might eventually recognize them. He had to get rid of them really fast.</p><p>"It's free," the pirate finally said. "The droid didn't spend anything and the door was damaged anyway. We were going to change it today."</p><p>"Are you sure?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Yes, yes, yes," the pirate captain said. "Now if you excuse me, I have some business to take care of." And with these words, he left.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Asterix, Obelix, Idefix, Poe, and BB-8 were outside the building, still puzzled about what had happened.</p><p>"Strange," Asterix said. "In our world, a merchant never gives anything for free."</p><p>"It is the same for us," Poe admitted. "Something feels wrong here. But I checked the droid for hidden transmitters or explosives and there was none."</p><p>"Perhaps the man recognized us from somewhere and wanted to get rid of us," Obelix said. "What do you think Asterix?"</p><p>"I think he reminds me of someone," Asterix said, "but I can't figure who and where I saw him."</p><p>"In any case, when they offer you something for free, you accept it without many questions," Poe said.</p><p>"That is correct Poe," Asterix said. "Anyway, we are close to the portal now. Captain Dameron," Asterix asked in a more formal tone, "have you ever visited Earth?"</p><p>"No," Poe replied with a smile, "but I can't wait to do so!"</p><p> </p><p>While Asterix, Obelix, Poe, Idefix and BB-8 were traveling through hyperspace to the Gaulish village, Phasma and her platoon reached the pirate's establishment.</p><p>"OK everyone," Phasma said. "Let's examine our options. Option one is to tell Hux we let Dameron escape and he throws us to an airlock or inside a garbage compactor."</p><p>"And who knows?" Finn said with a big smile on his face, still in macabre humor mode. "We might find a monster in the compactor like the one the Death Star had." (For some reason, the rest of his platoon didn't laugh with his unconventional sense of humor.)</p><p>"Option two," Phasma said, "is to return to the transport and back to Destruction. But who will tell us why that is a bad idea?" Finn raised his hand and Phasma gestured for him to talk.</p><p>"Hux might ask why we stopped our search so soon and he might reprimand us for that. Even if he says nothing, returning to Destruction so soon means he will find us some menial work to do, something I know all of us hate."</p><p>"Which leaves option three," Phasma said. "We continue our search."</p><p>"But they all escaped," FN-2183 said. "What are we going to search for?"</p><p>"Well FN-2183, it is still hot out there," she said, "and we don't want our boots to fill with sand again. Am I right?"</p><p>"Yes boss."</p><p>"So we enter the establishment to get some decent food and some decent rest on decent beds. When the night comes, we return to the spaceship. Any objections?" For some reason, everyone preferred the comfort of an air-conditioned restaurant to the heat of the desert.</p><p>"Aren't we breaking the rules here?" Finn asked, mostly for the fun of it.</p><p>"Let me think," Phasma said in an amused tone. "We lied in our official report about our visit in the Gaulish village, we disobeyed a direct order from Kylo Ren and we let Dameron escape. Do you really think that sleeping on a bed and having decent food is the worse offense we can do?"</p><p>"No boss," Finn said, also amused.</p><p>"OK," Phasma said, "let's continue our search! Pizza time!"</p><p>Fortunately, the 'search' was very successful. The pirates were good cooks and they knew how to make pizza!</p><p> </p><p>While Finn was eating the sixth – or was it the seventh? – slice of his pizza (he had ordered a big one because he hadn't eaten breakfast) Poe, BB-8, Asterix, Obelix and Idefix exited the hyperspace portal and headed for the Gaulish village. While walking towards the village, they noticed Unhygienix, the village fisherman, trying to catch some fish with a fishing rod.</p><p>"Hello Unhygienix," Obelix said upon exiting the cave with the portal. "Did you capture anything?"</p><p>"Hello Obelix," the fisherman replied... and did a double take.</p><p>"Hey," he said upon seeing Asterix, Idefix and Poe also exiting the cave. "Where did you all come from?"</p><p>"Let's say we came from a Galaxy far, far away," came the reply from Asterix.</p><p>Asterix, Obelix, Idefix, Poe and BB-8 kept walking while the fisherman remained shocked. What Galaxy far, far away? Who was the man escorting Asterix and Obelix? And most of it...</p><p>"What is that thing that looks like a ball and moves on its own?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hello Captain Dameron," Panoramix said when Poe and the two Gauls entered his hut. "I am really happy you have escaped your enemies."</p><p>"Hello druid Panoramix," Poe said. "Thanks for your concern. It is good you have escaped as well." Asterix had told him 'Lor San Tekka' was only a code name.</p><p>BB-8 bleeped, something that caused Idefix to bark. BB-8 bleeped back.</p><p>"My droid and your dog are becoming friends Obelix," Poe said. Idefix started sniffing BB-8, much to everyone's amusement. After the dog had finished sniffing, he gave an enthusiastic bark and the droid an enthusiastic bleep.</p><p>"Yes Idefix," Obelix said, "BB-8 is very friendly. And the best part? He won't eat your food!" That caused general laughter.</p><p>"All right everyone," Panoramix said. "OK Idefix, let BB-8 in peace. We need his help to see a map."</p><p>A few seconds later, Panoramix closed the door and the windows of his hut to make its interior dark. Poe took the flash drive with the map and plugged it to one of the droid's communication ports (just like our USB ports). Afterwards, Poe pushed a button activating the droid's file reading system.</p><p>"Windows operating system? By GalaxySoft Corporation?" Obelix asked. "What is it?"</p><p>"It is an operating system," Poe said and explained it was to read files and perform various functions with the droid.</p><p>(A little more than twenty centuries later, Earth would also have an operating system named Windows, created by a corporation... that was not named GalaxySoft! But that's another story, off-topic here...)</p><p>
After a few seconds the system was fully activated. BB-8 used his holoprojector and an astral map appeared, showing a specific part of a galaxy far, far away.</p><p>"I have been observing the stars since I was a child," Panoramix said. "These stars and constellations are far different than ours. Can you recognize them Poe?"</p><p>"Yes," Poe said, "the stars are from my galaxy. The map shows us part of the Outer Rim, the external part of the galaxy. It is far away from all of its major population and industrial centers."</p><p>"Luke Skywalker is somewhere out there," Asterix said. "But where is he? Is there any hint on the map?"</p><p>"Yes... from a certain point of view," Panoramix said. The Gauls and Poe looked at him surprised.</p><p>"What do you mean Panoramix?" Poe asked.</p><p>"There is a decryption key," the druid said, "Luke Skywalker and I have inserted into the system. It consists of two questions and if you answer them both correctly, the map reveals the path for Ahch-To, the place where Luke is hidden."</p><p>Poe looked at the druid and smiled. "Let me guess Panoramix," he said. "Only someone from your galaxy knows the answers," he said.</p><p>"Exactly," Panoramix said. "That was why Master Skywalker let me choose the questions. Even if the map fell into the wrong hands, they would be unable to answer them."</p><p>"Excellent Panoramix," Poe said. "After all, the original plan had been for you to give me the map without telling me anything about the questions, wait for Leia Organa to use the Force to confirm to Master Skywalker we safely have it and then arrange a second meeting for the answers."</p><p>"I think it is time to see the questions Poe," Asterix said. Poe nodded and pressed some buttons on BB-8's console. A set of two questions appeared on the holographic projection next to the map and Poe started reading them.</p><p>"First question: what ingredient greatly improves the magic potion that only the Gaulish druids know about?"</p><p>"Second question: where can you find the ingredient that improves the magic potion?"</p><p>Obelix smiled. "The questions are so easy. Even I know the answers and I am not a druid." Asterix looked at him, a knowing smile on his face.</p><p>"Will you tell me?" Poe asked.</p><p>"Olive oil," Obelix said for the first question.</p><p>"Greece," Asterix said for the second one.</p><p>"What can I say," Panoramix said. "I love olive oil!”</p><p>“Perhaps we should import some in our galaxy,” Poe said with a smile. “Perhaps I should tell Leia Organa.”</p><p>“We can arrange that,” Obelix said. “We have a merchant friend, Ekonomicrisis, who sells us.”</p><p>“Just be a little careful,” Asterix said. “Ekonomicrisis is not the most honest merchant around.”</p><p>“Oh don't worry,” Poe said. “Leia Organa knows about dishonest merchants. After all, she is married to a former smuggler!”</p><p> </p><p>After some minutes of light talking, it was time to return to their mission. Poe typed the answers to the two questions and a third one appeared.</p><p>“Point of Origin,” Poe read. “The system needs it to chart a course from there to our destination.”</p><p>
“So, where is that point?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“Since you don't have spaceships on Earth,” Poe said, “and since Earth is not included on the map anyway, the only solution is to use the portal to go back to Jakku and start from there.”</p><p>“Are you going to go alone?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“Yes, but you are welcome to join me if you wish,” Poe said with a smile.</p><p>“Are there many stormtroopers for punching in your galaxy Poe?” Obelix asked, his face full of expectation.</p><p>“Yes Obelix,” Poe said with a big smile, “millions.”</p><p>“What are waiting for then?” Obelix said, a big smile on his face, the smile he always had when he punched Romans. Panoramix and Asterix smiled as well, knowing Obelix very well.</p><p>“OK,” Poe said smiling, “let's see the map together.”</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, night had fallen on Jakku. Phasma and her platoon had woken up from their afternoon sleep and they were ready to return to their transport.</p><p>It had been a welcome distraction from the First Order life even though it had only lasted for a few hours. They had slept on comfortable beds, they had eaten pizza – something most of them hadn't done in months! – and they had avoided the afternoon heat.</p><p>“Won't Hux ask why we are late?” Finn asked Phasma.</p><p>“Oh, don't worry,” Phasma replied. “We will tell him we were investigating the spaceport in case Dameron had sent his astromech droid away.”</p><p>“And what about the money we spent for the pizzas and the rooms?”</p><p>“We will tell him we spent them bribing the locals for info.”</p><p>“But will Hux buy our excuses about the money and the spent time?” Finn continued.</p><p>“Don't worry. He doesn't care enough to thoroughly investigate,” Phasma said. “It was Snoke's idea to search for the map for Skywalker, not Hux's. Hux is just following orders. Kylo Ren is the one who mostly cares."</p><p>“You are right boss,” Finn said. “Hux mostly cares about Earth and Julius Caesar. It is Kylo we should be afraid of. After all, he can use the Force to read our minds.”</p><p>“That's right,” Phasma said. “For that reason, we keep our distance from him.”</p><p>Finn gave Phasma a meaningful look. Phasma looked back and nodded.</p><p>“OK FN-2187,” she said, “talk to me.”</p><p>“Finn is my name,” he said. “I prefer it from that silly FN-2187 designation.”</p><p>“OK Finn, talk to me.”</p><p>“Don't you think the whole First Order business has gone too far? They ask us to kill innocents, they build a superweapon... I don't think anyone of us in the platoon signed for that.”</p><p>“I agree Finn,” Phasma replied. “I don't know what to think anymore myself. We have become the bad guys here.”</p><p>“What are we supposed to do boss?” Finn asked.</p><p>“For the time being, we can only keep a low profile and wait,” Phasma said. “Who knows? Perhaps the stormtrooper who freed Dameron was the smartest of us all.” Phasma didn't want to press the issue about who that particular stormtrooper was. It was still too early for that.</p><p>Meanwhile, the rest of the platoon had gathered and they were ready to leave. They bought two extra pizzas for FN-2181 and FN-2182, paid the bill and exited the pirates' establishment. One hour later, they were back to destroyer Destruction and the First Order.</p><p>Poe selected their point of origin and pressed a button. The next second, a thin red line appeared on the hologram starting from Jakku. The line gradually expanded through the map until it reached a specific planet.</p><p>“The legendary Ahch-To,” Panoramix said. “Luke Skywalker is there, waiting for us.”</p><p>“It's going to be a long journey,” Poe said looking at the distances on the holographic map. “We will need supplies for days.”</p><p>“That's right Poe,” the druid said. “I will also make some potion for you and Asterix.” Upon hearing that, Obelix took his most innocent look.</p><p>“Will you make some potion for me as well Panoramix?” Obelix asked, full of expectation.</p><p>“No Obelix,” the druid said. “The potion has a permanent effect on you and you know what happened the last time you drank it.”</p><p>Obelix gave Idefix a disappointed look. Unfortunately, Panoramix was right. A few months ago, Obelix had drunk an entire cauldron of magic potion and that had turned him into stone! It had taken another of Panoramix's magic potions to turn Obelix back to flesh, an adventure against Romans and a visit to the mythical Atlantis for the mighty Gaul to return to his normal self.</p><p>“I know Panoramix,” Obelix said... and then an idea crossed his mind that cheered him up!</p><p>“Poe,” he said, “while the druid makes the potion, Asterix and I will go hunting to gather food for the journey. You can join us if you like.”</p><p>“That's a great idea Obelix,” Poe said.</p><p>“But before we go Poe,” Asterix said, “I need to tell you a few things Poe... about our village and our villagers.” Asterix spent the next minutes describing the village and the villagers' mentality.</p><p>“Don't worry,” Poe said with a smile, when Asterix had finished talking. “I can do it.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Quiz: You are a stormtrooper in Phasma's platoon and you have two options.</p><p>A) You keep walking in the desert in the heat. Your boots fill with sand and you are thirsty.</p><p>B) You sleep in an air-conditioned room and eat pizza!</p><p>Which one do you choose?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Bureaucracy, a briefing ... and a lovestruck Gaul!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The villagers have gathered outside Panoramix's hut to learn more about Poe. Fortunately, Asterix has a plan to make them go away.</p><p>Finn and Phasma brief Hux and Kylo about their mission to find Dameron. </p><p>Finally, Asterix, Obelix, Poe - and Idefix! - go hunting!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment Asterix, Obelix, Idefix and Poe exited Panoramix's hut, they realized the entire village had 'accidentally' gathered outside.</p><p>For Asterix and Obelix such a sight was to be expected. In all villages, in all countries, in all historical periods, villagers live in small areas, meet very few people during their lifetimes and their lives follow very predictable rhythms and patterns, falling into a routine. A visit from an outsider immediately becomes a topic of discussion and gossip simply because it breaks the routine.</p><p>Gossip is second nature to our beloved Gauls, something Julius Caesar had tried to exploit in the past. To do so, he sent a Roman whose specialty was in manipulation to pretend he was a friend of Asterix. The Roman visited Asterix in his hut, the villagers gossiped about the visit and as Caesar had expected, the gossip escalated to the point some villagers believed Asterix had betrayed them! It had taken a lot of effort for Asterix and Obelix – plus a battle with Romans with lots of punches! – to solve the crisis in their village and convince everyone everything was alright.</p><p>Fortunately, Asterix had learned his lesson and he was prepared for the villagers' curiosity. For starters, they had let BB-8 inside Panoramix's hut to avoid drawing more attention. As for Poe...</p><p>“Hello everyone,” Asterix said. “Panoramix is inside but he is a little busy now, if you want to talk to him.”</p><p>“You are that man I saw on the beach!” the fisherman Unhygienix told Poe. “And you have a ball that moves,” referring to BB-8.</p><p>“Yes,” Asterix said, “we have a visitor … from Egypt.” It was of course a lie, but nobody in the village was going to fly to Egypt or send an e-mail for confirmation... for the simple reasons aircraft and e-mails hadn't been invented yet!</p><p>“Hello everyone,” Poe said, remembering the advice Asterix had given him. “I am Poe and I am... a bureaucrat from Egypt.” That made the villagers curious.</p><p>“What is a bureaucrat?” Cacofonix the bard asked. “Does he sing?”</p><p>“Does he fish?” Unhygienix asked.</p><p>“Does he create iron tools?” the blacksmith Fulliautomatix asked.</p><p>“Does he command armies?” Vitalstatistix, the village chief, asked.</p><p>“No,” Poe replied. “A bureaucrat works in the public sector in an office job. To be more specific...”</p><p>Poe went on to describe the duties a bureaucrat. To do that, he simply told them what he knew about the New Republic and just changed some names. It was still very convincing since all bureaucracies are essentially the same: a modern Greek could fully understand the annoyance, the lost time, the lack of understanding an ancient Roman or a citizen in the New Republic would face.</p><p>Fortunately, Poe had a lot of knowledge about how the system worked, thanks to his training in the military academy and his personal experience with bureaucrats.</p><p>Asterix had advised Poe to make his presentation as uninspired and boring as possible. That was the best way to make the villagers lose interest for him and his supposed job.</p><p>Asterix's trick worked! Soon the villagers lost their interest in Poe. In fact, most of them were half asleep. (Yes, talking about bureaucracy is a timeless way to make the others bored and sleepy). A few minutes later, most villagers excused themselves and left. Only some village women, Unhygienix, Fulliautomatix, Cacofonix and Vitalstatistix remained.</p><p>“How is the latest fashion in Egypt?” Bonemina, Vitalstatistix's wife, asked. It was the reason she and some women had endured Poe's boring speech. Fortunately, Poe had the right answer for the occasion.</p><p>“I wish I knew myself,” Poe said. “I work in a basement and I seldom meet people.” That disappointed the women who had hoped for new ideas about clothes or hairstyles. Soon, all of them returned to their homes to do the housework.</p><p>Vitalstatistix was also bored despite the fact he was a statesman himself (OK he was a statesman in a small village but it is the spirit that counts). He excused himself the moment Poe volunteered to analyze how the legal archives worked.</p><p>“Nice to meet you Poe,” Cacofonix said, eager to leave himself. “But I'll have to go back to my hut to practice my music.” Everyone - including Poe - gave him a frightened look. After all, Cacofonix's music had reached the galaxy far, far away and Armitage Hux – from all people – had become a fan!</p><p>“I won't sing, I am just going to study the texts,” the bard said, oblivious to the frightened looks.</p><p>
“Practicing in the forest is more inspiring after all.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief the moment he left... including Poe.</p><p>“My fish need care,” Unhygienix said, trying to excuse himself as well. “I just fished them after all.”</p><p>Obelix gave Asterix a knowing look. Asterix looked at Obelix, knowing perfectly well what Obelix was about to do.</p><p>“Well Unhygienix,” Obelix said. “If you just fished, that means your fish are fresh, doesn't it?” He knew what the fisherman would say.</p><p>“My fish are always fresh Obelix,” Unhygienix proudly said.</p><p>Poe looked at Unhygienix, then Fulliautomatix and gave Asterix a knowing look. He was not from the village but he had seen many fights in his life and he knew what was about to follow.</p><p>“Excuse me Unhygienix,” the blacksmith said, “but did you just say your fish are... fresh?”</p><p>Unhygienix looked at Fulliautomatix, a strange expression on his eyes. Questioning the freshness of his fish was the most common way to start a fight in the village.</p><p>Less than twenty seconds later, the expected fight broke out between Unhygienix and Fulliautomatix. Soon the rest of the village joined it except Asterix, Obelix, Idefix and Poe who were already outside the village and about to enter the forest.</p><p>“It is so nice when our villagers leave us to hunt in peace,” Obelix said. “Am I right Idefix?” Idefix immediately barked.</p><p>“I know Idefix,” Obelix said. “I pressed their buttons. But it was for a good purpose.” Idefix barked again.</p><p>“What do you mean I enjoy causing fights?” Obelix said, in mock disbelief. Both Asterix and Poe burst into laughter.</p><p> </p><p>While Poe and the Gauls were having fun, Phasma was about to have the same... from a certain point of view!</p><p>“OK Finn,” Phasma said. “Follow me. We are going to brief Hux and Kylo Ren about our mission.”</p><p>“I have never briefed a general before,” Finn said.</p><p>“Oh, don't worry,” Phasma said. “I will do the talking. You will only talk if asked and you will only answer a question or two. Unless you get lucky and answer no questions at all.“</p><p>“Hopefully, Hux won't ask me anything. But Kylo Ren will be there as well. What about him?”</p><p>“That's the good part,” Phasma said with a big smile. “With Hux alone, briefings are boring. The good part is when both are present. It's so much fun when they bicker!” Finn smiled as well.</p><p>“Do they ever come to blows?” Finn asked, his face full of expectation.</p><p>“No, I am afraid not,” Phasma replied. “But who knows, we might get lucky tonight.”</p><p>A few minutes later, Finn and Phasma reached the Destruction bridge. A man was shouting inside it.</p><p>“Hey, it's Kylo Ren's voice,” Finn said, smiling. “I can feel it! It's gonna be a great evening, better than stand up comedy!”</p><p>“Yes Finn I know,” Phasma said. “I've been in many such meetings in the past. Now, let's put our helmets on. They'd better not see our smiles.”</p><p> </p><p>“Your stormtroopers are traitors Hux!” Kylo Ren said the moment Finn and Phasma entered the bridge. “One of them decided to free Dameron and that tells a lot about their loyalty!”</p><p>“Oh come on,” Hux replied. “He was just one among millions. And besides, he has killed himself.”</p><p>Finn smiled under the helmet. It had been his idea to put a stormtrooper uniform in an airlock and program it to automatically open. He wanted the First Order to believe the traitor had killed himself to make them stop searching for him.</p><p>In addition, Finn had written a note: “I am a bad person. I freed the prisoner because of my badness. And now I know my mother will be very sad for what I did so I decided to punish myself. But there are good news. It would make my mother less sad if you put a million credits in the account...” And Finn's note ended with an account number Finn had opened about one year ago.</p><p>As an idea, the note and the request were very silly. But the troublemaker in him could not resist the temptation!</p><p>Finn had hoped the First Order would be stupid and give him some extra money. Unfortunately, the First Order were smarter than a toaster and they hadn't. Fortunately, he had opened the account years ago using a fake name so they couldn't locate him.</p><p>“We searched the account,” Hux said. “It corresponds to someone named... Ben Solo!” Finn bit his tongue not to laugh.</p><p>“Impossible!” Kylo Ren said. “Someone is using a fake name and if I find out who, I am going to Force choke him and cut him to ribbons.” For some reason, Finn decided not to confess it was him.</p><p>“And the rest of the stormtroopers are idiots Hux,” Kylo continued. “The traitor approached the guards, told them he needed to escort Dameron to you and they let him escape without verification.”</p><p>Much to Finn's relief, Kylo didn't mention that the stormtrooper had implied something intimate had happened between Hux and Phasma. (That would annoy Phasma, something Finn wanted to avoid). Even better, both Kylo and Hux had ignored him for the time being and Finn wasn't going to seek attention.</p><p>“Hopefully you will find what happened Hux,” Kylo said. And with those words he left the bridge, leaving both Finn and Phasma disappointed he and Hux hadn't come to blows.</p><p> </p><p>“I wonder,” Phasma said, “why was he so mad. Did he drink too much coffee?”</p><p>“What an idiot,” Hux said. “Fortunately he left. OK Phasma. Time to talk about your mission. Did you find Dameron?”</p><p>“Well... no General,” she said. “He was... vaporized.”</p><p>“Vaporized?”</p><p>“Yes,” Phasma continued. “The TIE fighter he stole crashed into the desert and it was hit with missiles.”</p><p>“Yes, the missiles I ordered to be fired,” Hux said. “Did you find any remains?” Phasma gestured for Finn to produce a small piece of the spaceship's canopy they had gathered. Supposedly, it was the only thing left from the fighter.</p><p>Hux examined the piece. It was burned and it was obvious it had seen much better days.</p><p>“Did you talk to the locals?” Hux asked.</p><p>“We tried,” Phasma said. “There was a village nearby but all of them were dead.”</p><p>“Oh yes,” Hux said. “The ones you executed.”</p><p>“Yes,” Phasma said. “Unfortunately, they were still dead when we approached the village. And dead people can't talk no matter how much you try. Even worse, they don't listen to threats.”</p><p>“I see,” Hux said. “What did you do next?”</p><p>“We assumed that if Dameron somehow survived, he would try to hide somewhere to eat and rest. So we visited the nearest rooms-to-let establishment.” In reality, Phasma and her platoon had visited the establishment to hide from the heat and the sand... and to eat some pizza! But sometimes it is better to spin your story when you are afraid the boss is not exactly understanding.</p><p>“Did the establishment owner say anything?” Hux said.</p><p>“No General,” Phasma replied.</p><p>“Very well,” Hux said. “Dismissed.” Both Finn and Phasma saluted and left the bridge.</p><p>“I was hoping I would see a fight,” Finn said while they were walking towards their quarters. “But Hux remained calm and spoke very few words.”</p><p>“Yes,” Phasma said. “Who knows, perhaps Julius Caesar advised him on that.” In fact, that was exactly what Caesar had done when they had met each other.</p><p>“Yes,” Finn said. “I think Hux is more concerned with his alliance with Caesar than with Snoke or Kylo Ren.”</p><p>“I agree,” Phasma said. “In fact, he wants us to go back to Earth when we return to Starkiller Base.” Finn gave her a frightened look.</p><p>“Back to the Ga... Ga... Gauls?”</p><p> </p><p>“Generally speaking,” Poe said, “I think people and situations on Earth are not that different from the ones in my galaxy. Even the fights look the same. We too have people who bicker and fight all the time.</p><p>“Not about fish I hope,” Asterix said and everyone burst into laughter.</p><p>“So, how do people in your Galaxy look like Poe?” Asterix asked when they had stopped laughing.</p><p>“The same as here Asterix,” Poe replied. “But humans are not the only sentient beings in our galaxy. Here, let me show you.”</p><p>Poe activated his datapad and opened one of the digital directories in it. It contained photos from the various beings his galaxy had. For the next hour, he described them to Asterix and Obelix.</p><p>“This one is Yoda,” Poe said and showed his photo on the datapad.</p><p>“I remember the name. He is the Jedi Master who first came to Earth,” Asterix said. “But that was centuries ago.”</p><p>“That's right. Yoda's species live for centuries.”</p><p>“He is short… and green,” Obelix said.</p><p>“Yes,” Poe said. “But very powerful.”</p><p>The next photo in the directory was...</p><p>“This is a Wookie,” Poe said. “They are tall, strong and very intelligent. They also become friends or enemies for life. Now, this one in the middle,” Poe said showing another photo, “is Chewbacca, the most famous Wookie of all.”</p><p>There was another photo with Chewbacca in Poe's datapad. There were four other people in it.</p><p>“The woman on the far left is Amilyn, my girlfriend. And next to her is Leia Organa, who happens to be my boss. Next is Chewbacca and next to him is Han Solo. He is Leia's husband, a war hero and entrepreneur.”</p><p>“He reminds me of Ekonomikrisis,” Obelix said. “He has the same look in his eyes.” Asterix and Obelix spent a few minutes telling Poe about their friend Ekonomikrisis the merchant who happened to scam people out of their contracts.</p><p>“Yes, that sounds like Han,” Poe said. “In fact, Han Solo used to be a smuggler.”</p><p>“And this one,” Poe said pointing at the far end of the picture, “is Luke Skywalker, the Jedi Master we are trying to find.” Asterix and Obelix paid special attention to the tall, dignified, bearded man. He was dressed in robes that gave him an air of status, strength and dignity.</p><p>“He looks like a combination of a druid, a Senator, a philosopher, and a war veteran,” Asterix said.</p><p>“Yes,” Poe said, “the Jedi have elements of all the above. In fact, Luke Skywalker is a war veteran. He is the man who destroyed the Death Star.”</p><p>Finally, Poe showed them photos of their enemies. The first one was about a former emperor and a former Sith Lord.</p><p>“That man with the full face helmet is Darth Vader. The one on the left is his boss Palpatine.”</p><p>“Yes,” Asterix said. “Panoramix has told us about them. But I understand they are no longer a threat since they are both dead. How about First Order officers?” Poe nodded and opened another folder with digital photos.</p><p>“This one,” Poe said showing a blond-haired one, “is General Hux. He is ambitious, ruthless and wants more and more power.”</p><p>“Just like our Julius Caesar,” Asterix said.</p><p>“This one,” Poe said showing another photo, “is Kylo Ren. He is a Force user and a bit of a sadist.”</p><p>“And this one?” Obelix asked full of enthusiasm. “That tall, blonde beautiful woman with the perfect face, perfect hair, perfect body and the shining armor?”</p><p>Both Poe and Asterix looked at Obelix in surprise. His enthusiasm shocked them.</p><p>“This one is Captain Phasma,” Poe said.</p><p>“She is wonderful. So beautiful, so elegant, so stylish, so… gorgeous! And I have seen her before!”</p><p>
Poe, Obelix – and Idefix – looked at him surprised.</p><p>“Where did you see her Obelix?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“In my dreams!” Obelix said full of enthusiasm. “She had purple hair and she was holding...”</p><p>“... a wild boar?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“That's right Asterix!”</p><p>And that was when the feelings between Obelix and Phasma became mutual!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Back in Jakku and back to Rome!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Asterix, Obelix, Poe, Idefix and BB-8 start their mission to find Luke Skywalker.</p><p>Meanwhile, Hux goes to Rome to see Julius Caesar!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few hours later, the Gauls and Poe were back in the village. The hunting had been very productive. Each of them was carrying a wild boar with him when they returned to Panoramix's hut.</p><p>Everything appeared to be normal: Cacofonix was in the forest to practice his music - fortunately they hadn't met him -  and a pile of unconscious Gauls was still in the middle of the village square, the result of the fight about Unhygienix's fish. In other words, it was all so normal not even Poe paid attention.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as they entered Panoramix's hut, Idefix approached BB-8, his new friend. The dog was barking and the droid was bleeping but for some reason, they could perfectly understand each other.</p><p>"Idefix says our adventure in Jakku reminds him of our adventure in Egypt," Obelix said. In that adventure, Cleopatra had a bet with Julius Caesar that she could build a palace for him within three months.</p><p>To win her bet, Cleopatra had hired architect Numerobis to build the palace (or to be more precise, she ordered him), promising him she would cover him in gold if he succeeded but if he failed... he would become dinner for her crocodiles. Realizing the desperate situation, Numerobis had reached Gaul to ask his friend Panoramix for help.</p><p>“We faced a lot of opposition there,” Panoramix said. “Numerobis had a competitor who wanted to build the palace himself.”</p><p>“He wanted the gold,” Poe said.</p><p>“That's right Poe,” Obelix said. “He even hired a man to lure us inside a pyramid. But fortunately, my dog Idefix found us and rescued us.” Idefix gave Obelix a friendly bark and BB-8 gave a friendly bleep to Idefix.</p><p>"In addition, Caesar tried to sabotage us,” Asterix said. “He used Roman troops and catapults to destroy the palace. But in the end, we made it. We built the palace in time.”</p><p>BB-8 suddenly bleeped. The story about Cleopatra had reminded him of something.</p><p>"BB-8 is talking about Tatooine," Poe said, “the desert planet where Luke Skywalker spent part of his life. Both places have similarities!”</p><p>“What similarities Poe?” Asterix asked.</p><p>"For starters,” Poe said, “both places have deserts. There was also a palace on Tatooine that belonged to a crime lord named Jabba the Hut."</p><p>"Was he like a pirate?” Obelix asked and spent a few minutes describing his 'beloved' pirates, the ones he had punched so many times.</p><p>“Partly yes,” Poe said after hearing Obelix's explanation. “But he was much more powerful. He had hundreds of ships and he controlled entire planetary systems.” Poe went on to describe Jabba's story and how Leia, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo had to deal with him. (In other words, he told them details from the Original Trilogy.)</p><p> </p><p>After two hours of cooking, it was time for lunch. Obelix ate lightly (just two boars!), Asterix, Panoramix and Poe shared the third one and Idefix ate some bones. BB-8 did what droids do for eating: he went next to an open window, stayed in the sun and used his solar panels to recharge his batteries.</p><p>The Gauls and Poe spent their lunch time exchanging more stories about Poe's galaxy. In addition, Asterix wanted more information about an incident.</p><p>"A few days ago," Asterix said, "a group of stormtroopers tried to kidnap our druid." Asterix, Obelix and Panoramix spent the next minutes informing Poe about the stormtrooper attack.</p><p>"But we punched them really hard," Obelix said. "These stormtroopers are crazy!"</p><p>"That is curious," Poe said. "It appears the First Order have portals as well. Why would First Order stormtroopers come to your planet from a galaxy far, far away? And why in your village to kidnap your druid?"</p><p>"Obviously Caesar and the First Order have formed an alliance," Asterix said. "They kidnap our druid and Caesar gives them something they need."</p><p>"Well," Panoramix said. "The portals have existed for centuries. The First Order probably has access to the technology."</p><p> </p><p>"The portal is ready General Hux," Phasma said, just minutes after destroyer Destruction had docked in Starkiller Base. "You will be in Rome within seconds."</p><p>"It is so nice we have improved the technology," Hux said. "In the old days, it would me take hours."</p><p>"OK FN-2187," Phasma said. "Activate the portal." FN-2187 – aka Finn – pressed a button and five seconds later, the portal was operational. Hux stepped inside it and off he went.</p><p>"Phew," Finn said. "We got rid of Hux for some hours."</p><p>"Yes," Phasma said. "And Kylo Ren is flying to meet Snoke in his flagship. Time to get some rest... and some real coffee."</p><p> </p><p>A few seconds later, Armitage Hux reached Rome. One of Caesar's servants, the same one who had greeted him the first time he had reached Rome was waiting for him. Once more, Hux followed the servant and once more he admired the luxurious decorations. Once more, the walking ended in the atrium with Caesar standing up and waiting for his guest.</p><p>"General Hux," Caesar cordially said. "It is a pleasure and honor to see you again."</p><p>"The pleasure is all mine General Caesar," Hux replied.</p><p>After the typical pleasantries were exchanged, the two co-conspirators went to business. Hux started by describing the operation to capture Panoramix.</p><p>“I am afraid my stormtroopers failed,” Hux said. “They couldn't kidnap the druid.”</p><p>“That is too bad,” Caesar said. “But that was to be expected. These Gauls are very strong.”</p><p>“According to my troops,” Hux said, “they also had traps in the forest, groups of trained dogs and groups of trained dogs to attack.”</p><p>Caesar gave Hux a skeptical look. All those years, his troops had never faced such threats. The Gauls didn't train boars, they hunted them for food. The Roman legionnaires had never reported traps in the forest. And finally, the only dog that had attacked his troops had been the one owned by that tall menhir creator named Obelix.</p><p>Either Hux was lying or the First Order troops had lied to Hux or the Gauls had improved their defenses. Caesar had no way to know but he decided not to press the issue. There were more important things at stake. Besides, if Hux provided him with air power, Caesar would simply bomb the Gaulish village and end the problem for good.</p><p>The discussion soon turned to other matters. Hux and Caesar discussed the internal problems they faced and what to do with them.</p><p>“I have an important session in the Senate,” Caesar said.</p><p>“About war Julius?” Hux asked.</p><p>“No, about cabbage,” Caesar replied in a disappointed tone. “I have to agree with extra payments for cabbage farmers to earn votes from Senators.”</p><p>“The compromises a General has to do,” Hux said. “It is the same with me you know.”</p><p>“Are you going to meet Snoke?” Caesar asked.</p><p>“Yes, we are going to discuss about Starkiller. Hopefully, you have sample of uranium for me, to help my case.”</p><p>Caesar nodded and put a small, heavy metal box on the table.</p><p>“It is a lead box, exactly as you advised me. It contains one sample uranium rock.”</p><p>“I hope you didn't open the box,” Hux said. “Uranium is very radioactive.”</p><p>“No Armitage,” Caesar said. “I am not stupid to die from radiation like that. But I wouldn't mind if some senators or opened it! Or that friend of yours... Kylo!”</p><p>“Neither would I Julius,” Hux said with a big smile. “Neither would I!”</p><p> </p><p>An hour later, the three Gauls (including Idefix!) and the two Galaxy people (including a droid!) were preparing to leave.</p><p>"Ready for your journey?" Panoramix asked.</p><p>"We are ready," Obelix said full of enthusiasm.</p><p>"Great," the druid said and picked a book from a shelf.</p><p>"Master Skywalker offered me this book as a gift," the druid said. "Give it to him when you meet him to identify yourselves."</p><p>Asterix, Obelix and Poe examined the book. It was not what someone would expect from a Jedi Master.</p><p>"The Ultimate Porg Recipes Guide?" Obelix said. "But what are porgs?"</p><p>"Porgs," Panoramix replied, "are small creatures, the size of chickens. There are in various planets of the Galaxy, including Ahch-To. When Luke Skywalker reached that planet, he realized there was a gap in the galactic culinary knowledge and he decided to fill it."</p><p>"Have you tried the recipes Panoramix?" Obelix asked full of interest and curiosity.</p><p>"No," Panoramix replied. "There are no porgs on Earth so I substituted them with chicken."</p><p>"And?" Obelix asked full of expectation.</p><p>"There is always something missing when you don't use Greek olive oil and rosemary."</p><p>"Yes, porgs in olive oil and some rosemary would be great," Obelix said. "By the way, have you really added rosemary and olive oil to the magic potion? Perhaps, I should taste it to evaluate its new taste and...”</p><p>"No Obelix," Panoramix replied. "You fell on the magic potion when you were a kid, you drank the whole cauldron and you have permanent additional strength since then. If you drink again, it might cause you harm." In fact, that was exactly what had happened a few months ago. Obelix had drunk a cauldron with magic potion and he had turned to stone! It had taken Panoramix days of effort to return him to normal.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Panoramix, Asterix, Obelix, Poe, BB-8 and Idefix exited the village. Fortunately, the villagers didn't bother them for the simple reason they were about to start a second round of fighting!</p><p>"No Mr. Unhygienix," the blacksmith said, "your fish are not fresh!"</p><p>"Oh really, Mr. Fulliautomatix?" the fisherman said. Soon a fish landed on Fulliautomatix's head and the fight restarted, something that annoyed Obelix.</p><p>"Dammit," Obelix said, "I'll miss the fight."</p><p>"It's OK Obelix," Poe said. "Remember, there are many stormtroopers to punch... plus Captain Phasma." Obelix immediately cheered up.</p><p>A few minutes later the group were in front of the portal.</p><p>"And don't forget my advice to Master Skywalker," the druid said before they left.</p><p>"That porgs are better with rosemary and olive oil," Obelix said, full of confidence.</p><p>"That's right Obelix!" the druid replied full of enthusiasm.</p><p>"Of course Panoramix!" Obelix said and took a step towards the portal. Poe, Asterix, Idefix and BB-8 did the same.</p><p>"May the Force be with you!" Panoramix said.</p><p> </p><p>Back in Jakku...</p><p>"That was close,” the pirate captain said. “Really close.”</p><p>“You are right captain,” the one-legged pirate said. “From all the places in the universe, the Gauls visited our own cantina!”</p><p>“They had the portal next to their village,” the captain said, “so it isn't such a great coincidence. Fortunately, they didn't recognize us.”</p><p>“I hope they never come back,” the one-legged man said. But suddenly...</p><p>“A'oy,” the man on the mast said. “The Ga... the Ga...”</p><p>“The Ga... Gauls?” the pirate captain said, disappointed. “Oh, not again!”</p><p> </p><p>“You know Asterix,” Obelix said, “I really believe the cantina owners look familiar.”</p><p>“I don't know Obelix,” Asterix replied. “Perhaps they used the portal as well.”</p><p>“They really looked very friendly though,” Obelix said. “Perhaps we did something good for them in the past and they wanted to return the favor.”</p><p>“Who knows,” Asterix said. “Perhaps we rescued them from pirates.” (Yes, that is dramatic irony... from a certain point of view.)</p><p>Once more, the Gauls and Poe reached the pirates' cantina. Once more the cantina closed the moment they tried to approach it and once more that puzzled Asterix, Obelix and Poe. And once more Obelix...</p><p>“I am going to knock,” Obelix said. He approached the door, raised his hand to knock it… and stopped when he saw the note plastered on it. The mighty Gaul read it and rushed back to Poe and Asterix full of enthusiasm.</p><p>“Hey Poe,” the mighty Gaul said. “The cantina owners have an announcement for us.”</p><p>“But how could you read...” Asterix said and immediately stopped. After years of friendship, Asterix had reached the conclusion Obelix was very smart but he played dumb just for the fun of it. In fact, Obelix constantly surprised him with his insights. (If you consider Obelix dumb, remember he has very strong punches and he loves punching. Also remember: Obelix is not fat! Never tell him that!)</p><p>“What did the announcement say?” Poe asked.</p><p>“They offer a spaceship for rent free of charge to celebrate their business success,” Obelix said.</p><p>“That must be a first in the history of the galaxy,” Poe said. “OK, let's go to the hangar and see what they have.”</p><p> </p><p>Inside a big hangar next to the cantina, there were spaceships of various sizes, colors and configurations. There was a gray one that looked like a World War Two B-17 bomber, a black one that looked like a flying saucer and a purple one that looked like a ...</p><p>“This is a great one!” Obelix said. Indeed, the spaceship the mighty Gaul was looking at looked like a huge menhir. It was also named 'The Purple Menhir'!</p><p>“It reminds me of menhirs,” Obelix said. “I wonder why.” Idefix barked next to him.</p><p>“Because it is shaped like a menhir and its name contains the world menhir?” Obelix said. “Hey, that is a very smart observation Idefix!”</p><p>Poe smiled. The spaceship reminded him of Amilyn because her favorite colors were purple and pink. In fact, she recently had purchased a pink spaceship! (Poe still wondered whether she chose it with a pink color to match her wardrobe).</p><p>“I am going to check the spaceships,” Poe said.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later...</p><p>“OK,” Poe said. “We will take the Menhir. It is the only one fueled. BB-8, check for hidden explosives or hidden transmitters.”</p><p>“Idefix,” Obelix said. “Help BB-8.” Idefix barked, BB-8 bleeped and both entered the spaceship.</p><p>“Strange,” Asterix said while the dog and the droid were inside the spaceship. “The hangar is deserted. Where is everybody?”</p><p> </p><p>In front of a small digital monitor, the captain and the one-legged old pirate were watching.</p><p>“It's good we have that hidden camera in the hangar,” the pirate captain whispered. “We can see them but they can't see us.”</p><p>“Fortunately,” the one-legged pirate said, “they didn't break our door this time. I hope will get out of here soon.”</p><p>“Come on,” the captain said, “take the Menhir and go. Don't overthink it.”</p><p> </p><p>“OK,” Poe said when his droid exited the spaceship. “BB-8 says we are clear.” A few seconds later, Idefix barked.</p><p>“Idefix says the same,” Obelix replied. “He also says they found a barrel with champagne there.”</p><p> </p><p>“A barrel with champagne?” the pirate captain asked.</p><p>“Yes captain,” the one legged-man said. “We rent the spaceship for honeymoons and they usually drink champagne, so we have a barrel there at all times.”</p><p>“I know,” the captain said. “It is so romantic to travel the Galaxy inside a menhir.”</p><p>“Too bad they will drink our champagne,” the one-legged pirate said. “It was really expensive to buy. And only the Hutts in Tatooine can provide us.”</p><p>“Dammit!” the pirate said. “It was our most expensive champagne. These damned Gauls!”</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose the champagne is a gift from the owners,” Obelix said when they were all inside the spaceship. Poe sat on the pilot's seat with BB-8 next to him while Asterix and Obelix sat on the luxurious passengers' cabin.</p><p>“I wonder how space travel is,” Asterix said.</p><p>“Who knows?” Obelix said. “We might get lucky and find some space pirates!”</p><p>“All right gentlemen,” Poe said. “This is the captain speaking. Fasten your belts. We are going to space!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The chapter is partly bases on "Asterix and Cleopartra", the first Asterix story I've read (almost thirty years ago!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Two Gauls – and a dog! – in space!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Asterix, Obelix and Poe are in space. That is a new experience for Gauls.</p><p>Unfortunately, a pirate spaceship approaches them...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The spaceship Purple Menhir took off and the two Gauls looked at the ground, impressed.</p><p>"We are flying Obelix!" Asterix said, his voice full of wonder and amazement.</p><p>"We are flying Asterix!" Obelix said, equally amazed. "We are the first Gauls to ever do that!" Idefix barked next to him full of enthusiasm.</p><p>"And you are the first flying dog Idefix!" Obelix said proudly. Idefix gave his boss an enthusiastic bark.</p><p>The spaceship kept ascending towards the stars. But for the time being, the two Gauls were engrossed by the sight of the ground below them. Everything was becoming smaller and smaller each passing second.</p><p>It was of course just an illusion. No, the objects on the ground weren't becoming smaller. They just appeared smaller because the distance was increasing. But for someone who had never flown before, the illusion was hard to dispel.</p><p>"Poe, did you feel the same when you first flew with a spaceship?" Asterix asked.</p><p>"Yes Asterix," Poe replied through the intercom. "Everyone does, even experienced pilots like me. But you get used to it and stop noticing it after some time."</p><p>The spaceship kept ascending. The pirates' establishment looked like a small matchbox from that distance. Other, more distant buildings were barely visible. Soon they would reach the outer limits of the atmosphere and everything on the ground would become unrecognizable.</p><p>“I also feel heavier Asterix,” Obelix said, puzzled. “But I didn't eat that much in the village.” That was true. Two wild boars are considered a light lunch for Obelix!</p><p>"It is the spaceship Obelix, not you,” Poe said. “The acceleration pushes you downward and makes you feel heavier.”</p><p>Three minutes later, Purple Menhir reached the upper parts of the atmosphere. Individual buildings and landmarks on Jakku were no longer recognizable. The only exceptions were the vast desert of the planet and the hulk of a destroyed Imperial capital ship, the result of a battle against the remnants of Palpatine's loyalists about three decades ago.</p><p>“They really build huge spaceships in this Galaxy,” Asterix said. “I wonder when we will do the same on Earth.”</p><p>“I think it will take many centuries,” Obelix said. “It will probably start with hot-air balloons that will be lighter than air, it will continue with guided balloons and then... heavier than air flight machines will become the norm. Until one day, human beings will land on the moon... and who knows what will follow.”</p><p>“I think you are right Obelix,” Asterix replied. (Indeed, the first people of Earth to fly were the Montgolfier brothers in France 1783 who used... a hot-air balloon!)</p><p>A few minutes later, the spaceship left the Jakku atmosphere. The sky around them became darker because there were not air molecules around them to deflect the light. But at the same time...</p><p>“Hey Asterix,” Obelix said. “Look at how bright the stars are!”</p><p>“Yes Obelix,” Asterix said. “They are bright and so beautiful!”</p><p>It was all so different from Earth. The constellations were of different sizes and structure and they were in different locations. In addition, the stars were brighter and they seemed to surround their spaceship. The two Gauls were amazed!</p><p>“Now comes the best part,” Poe said. “Observe!”</p><p>Suddenly, the stars started moving very fast. It was as if they were running away... or was something else going on?</p><p>“I can't feel any movement on my body,” Asterix said. “But we are moving forward very fast, aren't we Poe?”</p><p>“Yes we are Asterix,” Poe replied. “What we do now is called a hyperspace jump. It is too complicated to explain what exactly that means but the main idea is this: hyperspace is a kind of a shortcut that allows us to move faster between the planets and the starts bypassing the normal space.”</p><p>Asterix and Obelix looked at the stars again. They were moving very fast now, so fast they resembled white beams.</p><p>“What happened to the stars Poe?” Obelix asked.</p><p>“When we are in hyperspace we move faster than light,” Poe said. “The light of the stars moves slower than us and that is why we have the beams.” Asterix, Obelix and Idefix looked at the sight, fascinated. </p><p>"I think we already have experiences for a lifetime of storytelling Obelix," Asterix said. </p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Poe activated the autopilot, assigned BB-8 supervising duties on the spaceship bridge and entered the main cabin. Idefix entered the cabin to keep company to his new friend.</p><p>When Poe entered the cabin, he saw the Gauls looking from the windows. They were fascinated by the stars and the constellations of the Galaxy, so he spent the next few hours explaining things to them. </p><p>"So many different planetary systems," Obelix said, "such an enormous variety of life in the Galaxy, so many different things to see, to feel to explore... to eat!"</p><p>"Too bad we won't have time to see them Obelix," Asterix said. "We are on a mission."</p><p>"Don't worry Asterix," Poe said, smiling. "You can always revisit the Galaxy whenever you want."</p><p>"We might learn to pilot a spaceship ourselves," Obelix said. "I wonder how hard could that be."</p><p>"A military spaceship is very hard to pilot," Poe said. "But a civillian one is easier. The auto pilot does most of the work anyway."</p><p> </p><p>Soon the discussion turned to the traditional manly topics of discussion: cars, gadgets, sports, and women. Since the Gauls didn't know about cars or gadgets (they hadn't been invented on Earth yet) and since sports were still in their infancy on Earth (the Gauls had taken part in the Olympics but they generally didn't discuss about them and Poe didn't know much about them anyway) the discussion gravitated towards women. The quality of the discussion improved when Obelix discovered...</p><p>“Hey Obelix,” Poe said. “This is a barrel of champagne you have found!” </p><p>“I think the spaceship owners left it as a gift,” Obelix said, “to celebrate their business success! I believe we should drink to them.” Actually they had forgotten the barrel of expensive champagne there but they were not exactly willing to risk a confrontation with Obelix for that.</p><p>Poe and Asterix were a bit hesitant. On the other hand, if they offer you free champagne, what do you do? Soon all three of them were drunk, especially Obelix who drunk the most.</p><p>"So Amilyn," Poe said, "is older than me. In fact, she is a veteran of the Galactic Civil War."</p><p>
"Where did you meet her?" Obelix asked.</p><p>"She was a part-time instructor in the pilot academy," Poe replied. "In addition, she was the first person to talk to me about the Resistance."</p><p>“And now you are in the Resistance together,” Asterix said. “And I am sure she will be more than happy to see you again.”</p><p>“Let's say,” Poe said, “my... star-fighter will enter her... hangar... if you know what I mean!” Asterix and Obelix burst into laughter. (Admit it... you understand what Poe really means!)</p><p>
Obelix was the next to talk and he talked about... Frabala. Frabala was a Gaulish woman Obelix had fallen for in the past. Unfortunately, she was already engaged to a man named Tragicomix. </p><p>"And what happened next?” Poe asked.</p><p>"The Romans forced Tragicomix to join the Roman army," Asterix said. "So Obelix and I volunteered to bring him back. We left Idefix to Frabala and joined the Roman legions to find him."</p><p>"Did you succeed?”</p><p>"Yes,” Asterix said. “We found Tragicomix and we helped Caesar win a decisive battle against one of his major political opponents. As a token of gratitude, Caesar released us from servitude and we and Tragicomix returned to our village as heroes."</p><p>"That's right … hick... Asterix,” Obelix said. Unfortunately – or should we say fortunately – he drunk too much champagne. “But you know... hick... if we found Tragicomix among Roman legionnaires, we can find Phasma among the stormtroopers."</p><p>"There are more storm-troopers than legionnaires,” Poe said, “but we have a spaceship to search the Galaxy! We shall find Phasma Obelix!”</p><p> </p><p>Unlike Poe and Asterix, Obelix hadn't used a champagne glass to drink. Instead he had used the ice bucket they put the champagne bottles when they served it. As a result he drunk half the champagne barrel becoming totally intoxicated. A few minutes later he was fast asleep and even worse... he was snoring, something that forced Poe and Asterix to go to the bridge to be more quiet.</p><p>While asleep, Obelix had a dream... of Phasma. For some reason, she was in Egypt in the area of the pyramids, she was standing in front of the Sphinx and she was dressed like a member of Cleopatra's court. Even better, she was cooking something.</p><p>“Welcome Obelix,” Phasma said. “It is so nice to be in such a beautiful place with you.”</p><p>“Hello Phasma,” Obelix said. “Yes, it is such a perfect place. And you have such nice clothes!”</p><p>“Thank you Obelix,” she said. “The only imperfection is Sphinx's nose. It is broken and part of it is missing.”</p><p>Obelix looked at the Sphinx and felt a touch of guilt. When he, Asterix, Panoramix and Idefix were in Egypt they had visited the pyramids and it had been his idea to climb the Sphinx for a better view. Unfortunately, he had tripped while climbing, breaking the Sphinx's nose in the process. Fortunately, nobody saw the accident except Asterix. Realising they couldn't put the nose back in its rightful place, they discreetly buried it in the desert and never told anyone about it.</p><p>“Yes,” Obelix said in mock curiosity. “I wonder where the missing part could be.”</p><p>“Who knows,” Phasma said. “I cooked us some wild boar!”</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Phasma was asleep and dreaming in her room in Starkiller base. And for some reason she was dreaming she was dressed like an Egyptian noble and she was cooking for Obelix... next to the pyramids!</p><p> </p><p>“Fortunately there is soundproofing here,” Asterix told Poe when both of them entered the Purple Menhir bridge. “Whenever Obelix sleeps, he snores a lot.”</p><p>“And he also drinks a lot,” Poe said. “But that's OK. The champagne was a gift so they won't charge us.”</p><p>“Obelix usually doesn't drink,” Asterix said, “but when he does...”</p><p>
Suddenly, BB-8 bleeped. Something was wrong.</p><p>“A spaceship is approaching us,” Poe said. “And according to our radar...</p><p> </p><p>A big black spaceship emerged from hyperspace. It was not an ordinary spaceship, it had no official registration numbers and it avoided all legitimate spaceports in the Galaxy because... it was a space pirate ship!</p><p>Inside the spaceship bridge, a short, middle-aged, and dirty pirate looked at the radar in front of him. He saw a big bleep on it. </p><p>“Boss,” a said, “we have a contact.” The pirate boss opened his eyes, looked at the pirate, stood up and walked towards him.</p><p>“Where is it my mean-spirited and cowardly underling?” the pirate boss said.</p><p>“Here my boss,” the pirate said and showed him on the radar.</p><p>“OK my underling. Have you identified it?”</p><p>“Yes boss. It is the 'Purple Menhir', currently operated by a bunch of pirates from Jakku. They use it for honeymoon cruises.”</p><p>“Oh yes, I remember them,” the pirate boss said. “They have a restaurant that looks like a sailing ship.”</p><p>“What should we do boss?”</p><p>“There is probably a wealthy couple inside. We shall capture the spaceship, kidnap them, ransom them and then we shall sell the spaceship back to the pirates.”</p><p>“But it is their spaceship boss,” the pirate said. “We are stealing from our colleagues.”</p><p>“Don't be a fool underling,” the pirate boss said. “One, we are pirates, which means we are dishonest criminals. If we behave honestly our reputation will suffer. Everyone will say we are... legitimate and... honorable!” The underling gave his boss a frightened look.</p><p>“Two,” the boss continued, “the spaceship doesn't belong to the pirates. They stole it years ago themselves.”</p><p>“Your arguments really make sense boss,” the underling said. “So what do we do?”</p><p>“Increase speed, activate the tractor beam and wake up the crew. We are going to get a lot of money tonight!”</p><p> </p><p>“Are they friendly or hostile?” Asterix asked. </p><p>“Hostile,” Poe replied. “We are in the Outer Rim where the New Republic presence is nonexistent. The spaceships in this part of the Galaxy are mostly illegal.”</p><p>“Could they be the First Order?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“No Asterix,” Poe replied. "The First Order spaceships always have a fighter escort around them and this one hasn't.”</p><p>“Are they smugglers?”</p><p>“No Asterix,” Poe replied. “In our Galaxy, smugglers don't follow people. They just go their own way. And that only leaves option three: they are pirates.”</p><p>Poe turned the wheel and the spaceship made a left turn. But within seconds the pirate spaceship did the same!</p><p>“They are following us,” Poe said. “I will incraase speed.” Poe pressed a lever and the spaceship accelerated. Unfortunately, so did the pirate ship.</p><p>“They are faster than us,” Poe said, worried. “Even worse, they are certainly armed and we are not. They will capture our spaceship and board us.”</p><p>“Can't we jump to hyperspace?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“No,” Poe replied. “It will take a lot of time to recharge the hyperdrive engines. They will reach us before that.”</p><p> </p><p>There was no way for Poe to solve the pirate problem. He could not ask the Resistance for help because it would take days for their nearest spaceship to reach them, he could not fight back, he could not evade... What could they do?</p><p>Fortunately, what a Resistance pilot couldn't do, a mighty Gaul could. Asterix had a reputation for a sharp mind and quick and clear thinking. Just a few seconds later, he had come with a solution to their problem. </p><p>“OK Poe,” Asterix said, “I have a plan and we need the following things to make it reality.” Poe took a pen and a notepad and started writing.</p><p>“OK,” Poe said after reading the list of items Asterix had told him. “We can find soap in the bathroom. We don't have used cooking oil though.”</p><p>“It's OK,” Asterix said. “We’ll just use machine oil.”</p><p>“We also don't have chicken in this Galaxy. We will have to substitute them with porgs.”</p><p>“That's right Poe,” Asterix said. “And it's very important not to skin them. We need them intact for better effect.”</p><p>“Have you tried that before Asterix?” Poe asked a few minutes later when both of them were in the spaceship kitchen.</p><p>“Yes Poe,” Asterix said. “I tried it in Rome… twice. Trust me Poe, it will be a tremendous success. But first we need to wake Obelix up.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, Poe and the Gauls are in trouble. But Asterix is a man with a plan!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. "These Gauls are crazy!"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Panoramix has a discussion with Cacofonix that somehow involves Luke Skywalker.</p><p>Luke Skywalker has another day in Ahch-To.</p><p>Finally, Asterix puts his anti-pirate plan in motion!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>While Asterix was struggling to find a solution to a major problem in a Galaxy, far, far away, back in the Gaulish village another Gaul was trying to find a solution to a minor one...</p><p>“No Cacofonix,” Panoramix said. “I gave you all the notes from John Williams Luke Skywalker gave to me.”</p><p>“That's too bad Panoramix,” the druid said. “I practiced them all and I wanted something more to try. The Force theme in particular was amazing.” Fortunately, Cacofonix didn't volunteer to offer Panoramix a live performance.</p><p>“By the way,” Panoramix asked, “will Luke Skywalker return? I have a favor to ask him.” That was a question Cacofonix kept asking the druid.</p><p>“The usual one?” Panoramix asked.</p><p>“Yes Panoramix,” the bard said. “Since Luke is a tour organizer, I would like for him to book me a tour in the Roman Empire and...”</p><p>Luke Skywalker had been many things in his life: a farmer, a pilot, a Jedi, a teacher (until Kylo Ren burned his Jedi Academy down), a fisherman in Ahch-To... but he had never been a tour organizer for musicians! Unfortunately, he had to claim he was to deflect the suspicions of the Gaulish villagers when he had visited Panoramix years ago. (He had also used a Jedi Mind trick to orchestrate a fight between Fulliautomatix and Unhygienix to further deflect attention... but that's another story).</p><p>Luke's bogus story had worked. Everyone had lost interest the moment he had said it... except Cacofonix! For the next three years he constantly asked Panoramix about the Jedi Master. To placate him, Panoramix had given him some music notes from John Williams, but the druid kept asking for more.</p><p>“Will Luke Skywalker return soon?” Cacofonix asked.</p><p>“Well,” the druid replied, “it's a big world out there. For all I know Luke could be in a Galaxy far, far away as we speak.”</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile...</p><p>The knock on Master Skywalker's door woke the Jedi Master up.</p><p>“Who is there?” Luke asked. Suddenly, he remembered. He had politely asked the local inhabitants of Ahch-To to knock on his door every morning to wake him up. Even Jedi Masters can be heavy sleepers sometimes.</p><p>“I would really like to sleep a bit more,” Luke told himself. “But duty calls.”</p><p>The Jedi Master got up, drank some coffee, got dressed and exited his small and frugal hut. It was time for his morning routine.</p><p>Luke Skywalker looked at the sky above him. It was still dark and the sun wouldn't rise for another hour. It was the perfect time for his daily workout: running, push-ups, squats, planks and other exercises to keep him in shape.</p><p>Thirty minutes later, Luke finished his workout and entered a small cave. There was a small pond with warm water there he used to bath after his exercise. He also used it as a place to remain still, quiet and meditative.</p><p>“I wonder what the Gauls are doing,” Luke told himself while bathing. Afterwards, he returned to his hut to write on his journal.</p><p>“Today. Same as yesterday. Boring. I wish I had Han Solo with me to drink and play Jedi Mind tricks on him. I know it is immature but I have to loosen up from time to time!</p><p>“I miss the old days when I entered a bar, everyone recognized me as a legendary war hero, the drinks were on the house and all the women were flirting with me. Now, I am alone on an isolated island with a race of humanoid aliens that are half my height and cannot speak my language.</p><p>“Fortunately, the aliens are friendly. They also agree to exchange the fish I catch with cabbage. But not speaking the language creates a barrier between us. It took me two years to explain them something so simple as knocking on my door to wake me up.</p><p>“Apart from that, there is not much I do here. I have reread the Jedi texts many of times, I have learned some techniques... but I am still waiting for the Resistance or Panoramix or another Gaul to reach me. Hopefully that Gaul won't be Cacofonix. I admit it: it was a bad idea to say I was a tour organizer for musicians.</p><p>“Asterix or Obelix would be a better choice. They are smart, strong and they don't sing. Panoramix has told me a lot about them. I wonder what they are doing right now...”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Poe,” Asterix said. “We have stopped.”</p><p>“It's because the pirates are using a tractor beam,” Poe said.<br/>
“A tractor beam?” Asterix asked.</p><p>“It is a special beam that immobilizes spaceships for easier capture. In about ten minutes, they will put us inside their hangar and board us.” Asterix smiled.</p><p>“Don't worry Poe,” Asterix said while checking the “food” he was cooking. “It is always the same story: the pirates attack and Obelix and I kick their asses.”</p><p>“My recipe is ready,” Asterix said two minutes later. “Wake up Obelix.”</p><p> </p><p>Inside the Purple Menhir main cabin, Obelix was still asleep and snoring. His dream with Phasma in Egypt had reached its most important part: the time to eat.</p><p>“I have cooked something light for us Obelix,” Phasma said. Obelix smelled the powerful aroma only a roasted boar would make.</p><p>“Just two wild boars!” Obelix said. “It is a light meal indeed! I am so glad you know my eating habits Phasma.”</p><p>“Just call me Gwen,” Phasma said. “Phasma is my surname.”</p><p>“OK Gwen,” Obelix said. “My name is Obelix and my surname is... Obelix!”</p><p>“So you are Obelix Obelix, Obelix?”</p><p>“No Gwen, just Obelix.”</p><p>“OK Obelix, let's have eat.” The mighty Gaul sat on the table and he was about to eat when someone called his name from a Galaxy far, far away...</p><p>“Obelix,” a male voice said. “Obelix!” The Gaul felt as if someone was grabbing his shoulder.</p><p>“Obelix!” Poe shouted again. This time Obelix woke up.</p><p>“Hey,” Obelix said. “Where is… hick... Phasma? Where is my boar? Where is… hick... Egypt? Where are the pyramids? Where is… hick... the Sphinx? Where is the Sphinx's... hick... nose?”</p><p>“Obelix?” Poe asked.</p><p>“Oh... hello Poe. When did you come to Egypt?”</p><p>“I didn't Obelix,” Poe said. “You were just dreaming.”</p><p>“I still...hick... am,” Obelix said. “I see two of you. Do you have a twin brother?”</p><p>“No Obelix,” Poe replied. “You are simply drunk and you see things double.”</p><p>Obelix looked at Idefix who had just entered the cabin. He too seemed as if he had a twin brother.</p><p>“Oh… hick...” Obelix said, “you are right. And I have a terrible headache.”</p><p>A few seconds later, Asterix entered the cabin. He was holding a plate with a mysterious food in it.</p><p>“This is for you Obelix,” Asterix said.</p><p> </p><p>About one year ago, Asterix and Obelix were in Rome, trying to steal Caesar's laurels. (It was all the result of a stupid bet between Vitalstatistix and his brother-in-law but that's another story). When they reached Rome, they decided to pose as slaves to be purchased for Caesar's palace. But due to a misunderstanding, they ended up as slaves to a wealthy Roman and they needed to find a way to get out of there.</p><p>Asterix had an idea: they would cook an awful dish for their owner's family and as a result their owners would fire them. So they combined elements within the kitchen and outside it such as soap (!!), a chicken (with its feathers), marmalade, pepper, eggs and various other things. But to Asterix's amazement, the son of the family owner - who happened to be drunk at the time - was cured from his drunkenness the moment he tasted the Gauls' food! That made the Gauls popular with their owners and derailed Asterix's plan. (In the end, they reached Caesar's laurels using another plan.)</p><p>From then on, whenever Asterix needed to cure someone from drunkenness, he simply used the same recipe he had used back then. The only changes he made were to use porgs instead of chicken and to add some coffee for extra strength.</p><p> </p><p>While the Purple Menhir was docked inside the pirates spaceship and a hundred pirates were waiting to storm it, Obelix tasted Asterix's cure for drunkenness. Asterix, Poe, Idefix and BB-8 were gathered outside him.</p><p>It almost went as expected. The moment Obelix tasted the potion, his face became pale, then dark green like cabbage, then red, then blue and then he fell to the ground. When he stood up two things happened in quick succession: he released a stream of fire from his mouth and a few bubbles shorty afterwards.</p><p>Unfortunately, tasting for Obelix means eating everything and the plate Asterix offered was no exception. As a result, Obelix's symptoms were a bit extreme and since Asterix, Poe, BB-8 and Idefix were close enough...</p><p>“Hey Asterix,” Obelix said. “It is like the food you made in Rome! And you improved it! It tastes better now! I am cured! My drunkenness. is gone!”</p><p>“Yeah,” Poe said a bit disappointed, his face and clothes black. Obelix's fire from the mouth had blackened him, Asterix, BB-8 and Idefix. “I am so happy to hear that!”<br/>
Idefix gave a disappointed bark, BB-8 a disappointed bleep and Asterix looked at his clothes, a disappointed look on his face. Meanwhile, the cabin was full of bubbles, another symptom of Asterix's cure.</p><p>“Hey” Obelix said, looking at their black faces. “What happened to you?” Poe and Asterix looked at each other, trying to form an answer when suddenly, someone knocked the door.</p><p>“We are space pirates! Open the door or we blow it up!”</p><p>“Space pirates?” Obelix said, a hopeful expression on his face. “Are they joking?”</p><p>“No Obelix,” Poe said. “They are real pirates!” A big smile crossed Obelix's face, along with some last bubbles from the anti-drunkenness food he had eaten and some fire that fortunately missed Poe.</p><p>“All yours Obelix,” Asterix said. “We are going to stay here and clean ourselves.” Obelix approached the door.</p><p>“I'll be back,” the mighty Gaul said and opened the door. A hundred pirates were waiting for him outside.</p><p> </p><p>Inside the pirates' hangar but outside the Purple Menhir...</p><p>“Boss,” the short, ugly pirate who had first located the spaceship said, “they are opening the door.”</p><p>“Hehehe,” the pirate boss said. “The newlyweds are scared.”</p><p>When the door opened, a tall red-haired man wearing pants with blue and white stripes exited the spaceship. A small white dog was walking next to him.</p><p>“Wasn't it supposed to be a wife as well?” the short pirate said. “Where is she?”</p><p>“I am Piratux,” the pirate boss said, “and I am a pirate. I came here to steal your spaceship and kidnap you for ransom. So who are you?” the pirate boss said.</p><p>“I am Obelix from Gaul,” the mighty Gaul said.</p><p>The pirates looked at Obelix puzzled. What did he mean? They looked at their leader, their leader looked at them but they still remained puzzled.</p><p>“It's OK,” the pirate boss told his men. “I don't know where Gaul is myself. Now just capture him and enter the spaceship.”</p><p>Two big and strong pirates approached Obelix. Both of them were carrying chains to tie him. Both of them were looking at the Gaul with an intimidating expression on their faces. In contrast, Obelix had a big smile on his face, the smile he always had when he was about to enter a fight.</p><p>Obelix looked at the two pirates, then at their boss, then at the rest of them and cleared his throat. Some more bubbles exited his mouth. It was time for him to say the immortal words only an indomitable Gaul would say:</p><p>“I came here to eat wild boars and kick ass. And I am all out of wild boars!” (Granted, Obelix usually doesn't use that particular phrase but it fits with the character.)</p><p>The two big pirates attacked and started punching Obelix. As expected nothing happened, something that puzzled them. They looked at each other confused, then back at Obelix... and that was the last thing they saw for the next week (that was when they woke up) when Obelix's punches threw them ten meters away. Even better, one of them landed on the small and ugly pirate who had first spotted them on the radar.</p><p>“Hey, that's not fair!” the small pirate said.</p><p>“Get him my dishonest crew!” the pirate captain said. A hundred pirates charged forward to Obelix.</p><p>Two more punches and two more pirates were sent flying, taking two of their colleagues with them. Another one attacked Obelix from the back, hitting him with a crowbar but the crowbar glanced on Obelix's shoulder and hit the pirate back! Another one tried to grab Obelix's right arm, only for the Gaul to throw him on five of his colleagues who fell on the floor.</p><p>“Dammit,” the five pirates said. As soon as they stood up, the five pirates attacked in unison... only for Obelix to punch them and throw them away.</p><p>The rest of the pirates attacked in waves but the result remained the same: Obelix punched them and threw them away. Soon, there were four piles of unconscious pirates on the floor and only their captain remained standing.</p><p>“Who the hell are you?” he asked.</p><p>“I am Obelix,” the mighty Gaul replied. “And I am a Gaul.” The next second, he punched the pirate captain who landed on one of the piles of his unconscious subordinates. Fortunately for him, the bodies of the other pirates cushioned his fall and he didn't lose consciousness.</p><p>“These Gauls are crazy!” the pirate captain said, reaching the same conclusion a colleague of his on Earth had reached years ago. (That particular colleague was currently on Jakku but the argument is still valid.)</p><p>“What can I say Idefix,” Obelix said. “I told him my name twice. He must be a bad listener.”</p><p>“By the way,” Obelix said looking at his dog, “you are black! What happened to you? Did the pirates hit you?” Idefix gave him a bark.</p><p>“I did that? But how? Oh I see! It was that anti-drunkenness food Asterix gave me. Yes, he made it extra strong! I could even breathe fire! But it tastes better now!”</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, the Purple Menhir exited the pirate spaceship hangar. For some reason the pirates opened the hangar door themselves to let the Gauls and Poe go!<br/>
“They were afraid Obelix would return for a second round,” Asterix said.</p><p>“I am sure they won't activate the tractor beam either,” Poe said.</p><p>The Purple Menhir turned left and continued its journey towards Luke Skywalker. At the same time the pirate spaceship turned right and jumped to hyperspace!</p><p>“I think you scared them Obelix,” Poe said.</p><p>“It's always the same story with pirates,” Obelix said. “I meet them, they attack, I punch them, they run away!”</p><p>“That's the spirit Obelix,” Asterix said.</p><p>“And thank you so much for letting me handle them all myself!” Obelix said. “You missed all the fun!”</p><p>“Yes, we were trying to clean ourselves from the fire,” Poe said.</p><p>“I understand,” Obelix said. “But hey, this version of your anti-drunkenness food is better Asterix! It has a strong taste!”</p><p>“I am glad you liked it,” Asterix said, trying to clean his face with a towel.</p><p>“Asterix,” Obelix said, “you are a real friend, someone I can rely on in a crisis. And who knows what other crises we are going to face? Our journey is far from over.“</p><p>“That's right Obelix,” Poe said. “And now we jump to hyperspace and we go to...”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Caesar's tricks, Finn's 'mistake', a military inspection... and a Jedi Master!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Caesar uses the help of two Roman politicians to further his agenda.</p><p>Hux has to endure Snoke and his military inspection.</p><p>Finn makes a 'mistake' that somehow Phasma 'misses'.</p><p>And Obelix comes face to face... with a Jedi Master!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>While the spaceship Purple Menhir was traveling through hyperspace carrying Poe, Asterix, Obelix, Idefix, and BB-8, a meeting was taking place in Caesar's palace.</p><p>“So my beloved Brutus and my beloved Cassius,” Caesar said. They were in his atrium and they were having a 'frugal' breakfast consisting of bread, fresh butter, honey, milk, roasted meat, and some apples.</p><p>“Yes noble Caesar?” Brutus asked.</p><p>“I invited you to talk about a matter... of utmost importance,” Caesar continued. “It requires delicacy, competence, and most of all... discretion.”</p><p>“What kind of matter noble Caesar?” Cassius asked.</p><p>“Let me start from the start,” Julius said. “I recently finished a... trade agreement with a foreign power. We are to provide them with uranium in exchange for gold.”</p><p>“Which foreign power is that? How do they call themselves?” Cassius asked.</p><p>“Are they friendly?” Brutus asked.</p><p>“Don't worry gentlemen,” Caesar replied. “The First Order as they call themselves are not our enemies and they are very far from here. You can imagine them in a Galaxy far, far away.” (That was more accurate than either Brutus or Cassius could possibly imagine.)</p><p>“But noble Caesar,” Cassius said, “for such an agreement to be valid, the Senate has to approve it.”</p><p>“You are right Cassius,” Caesar said, “from... a certain point of view. But you know how much... workload our Senators have, so I decided not to burden them with the extra administrative task of voting for that agreement.” Brutus and Cassius gave Caesar a curious look.</p><p>“If that is the case, the deal could wait a little,” Brutus said.</p><p>“It could,” Caesar said, “but I decided to help them in an act of good faith... if you know what I mean.”<br/>
Brutus and Cassius nodded. The 'act of good faith' was what we would call a bribe to speed things up without official scrutiny.</p><p>“Isn't it a bit...unconventional noble Caesar?” Brutus asked. “Not to say illegal and immoral?”</p><p>“Well, there are many ways to interpret things,” Caesar said. “But enough of me. Let's talk about you a little. I understand in about six months you have elections in your districts and I also understand that your political opponents have more donors than you.”</p><p>“That's right noble Caesar,” Brutus said. “They have twice more money than me.”</p><p>“My opponents offer free wine and free food to the citizens every day to earn their votes,” Cassius said. “They can afford that but I cannot.”</p><p>Caesar gave both men a concerned look. It was time to play the second part of his act.</p><p>“Yes gentlemen,” he said. “I understand your problem. As a veteran in Roman politics I can only say that not getting elected would be a great loss for our republic. For that reason... I am going to do my civic duty and... support your campaigns.</p><p>Caesar spent the next minutes asking how much money Brutus and Cassius needed to win the elections. Fortunately, the gold Hux had provided him with was many times more than that.</p><p>“We are mostly grateful noble Caesar,” Brutus said, after Caesar agreed to give him the money he had asked.</p><p>“You have been of so much help General,” Cassius said. Caesar had also promised to fully fund his campaign.</p><p>
Of course both men knew that you don't get such expensive help for free. They both understood they had to do something in return and both knew what that something was.</p><p>“Noble Caesar,” Cassius said. “I understand the trade agreement is completely ethical and moral. It is just that some people in the Senate are of bad faith and will disagree with the way your do things.”</p><p>“Yes,” Caesar said in mock disappointment. “What can I say? There are so many bad faith people nowadays.”</p><p>“But you can always rely on us noble Caesar,” Brutus said. “In fact, we are more than willing to help you with the trade agreement. We can make sure it will get a Senatorial vote. Am I right Cassius?”</p><p>“Certainly Brutus,” came the reply.</p><p>Caesar lowered his head as if thinking of it. It was all an act but such are the unwritten rules of such corrupt situations. You have to maintain a degree of subtlety even if all parties know you are pretending.</p><p>“Now that you mention it gentlemen,” Caesar said as if suddenly coming with the idea when in fact he had thought of it days ago, “there is something else you can do.”</p><p>“What is that noble Caesar?” Brutus asked.</p><p>“There is a uranium mine in Sicily the First Order representatives will visit,” Caesar said. “I am sure both you and Brutus can spare a few days to meet them. It is not exactly within your ordinary duties but it would greatly help the agreement with them.”</p><p>Brutus and Cassius looked at each other for a few seconds and nodded.</p><p>“Of course noble Caesar,” Brutus said. “Consider it done.” </p><p>“What can I say gentlemen?” Caesar said. “I am so touched by the generosity of your spirit. And Caesar is a grateful man who never forgets to return a favor.”</p><p>A few minutes later Brutus and Cassius left with two horses Caesar had provided them and rushed to Sicily... exactly as Caesar wanted them to do.</p><p>“Very well played Julius,” Armitage Hux said when he exited the place he was hidden and where he had heard the whole conversation. “It was smooth and effective.”</p><p>“Yes,” Caesar said. “They knew I was breaking the law with that agreement of ours so I had to admit part of the truth.”</p><p>“Yes,” Hux said. “Being corrupt is one thing. Being corrupt in order to plan a coup and become an emperor is something else. I am sure even dishonest people would oppose the latter.”</p><p>“That's right Armitage,” Caesar said. “There is also another thing. I know Brutus and Cassius are not exactly friendly towards me. I know they are conspiring to overthrow me.”</p><p>“So instead of going to Sicily yourself,” Hux said, “and letting them conspire in leisure, you sent two of the conspirators there to weaken their ranks while you remain in Rome to have an eye for the rest of them.”</p><p>
“Exactly Armitage,” Caesar said with a smile. “Simple and smooth.”</p><p>“Hopefully things will turn smoothly in my case as well,” Hux said. “Snake and the Knights of Ren will visit Starkiller Base soon.”</p><p>“Oh, how unfortunate. Do they suspect anything about our plan?” Caesar asked.</p><p>“Nothing at all,” Hux replied. “And my own associates know what will happen to them if they talk.”</p><p>“Yes Armitage,” Caesar said, “you have told me a lot about trash compactors. I wish I had one in my palace to throw my political opponents there.”</p><p>“Don't worry Julius,” Hux said with a smile. “When I become Supreme Leader and you become Emperor, I will offer you one as a gift.”</p><p> </p><p>While Hux was returning to Stakiller Base from the portal in Caesar's palace, the Millennium Falcon – carrying Phasma and her platoon - reached Earth.</p><p>“According to Hux's briefing,” Phasma told her platoon, “Caesar has already given orders for the uranium to be gathered. Our task is straightforward: we land, we make contact with Caesar's representatives, we load the uranium in the specialized boxes we have and we return to our Galaxy. Any questions or comments?”</p><p>“Oh no,” Finn said in mock shock. “I made a mistake in our mission preparation.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Phasma asked in mock curiosity. In fact, she knew exactly what that mistake was.</p><p>“Well, you asked me to calculate how much time our mission would take and submit my estimate to you.”</p><p>“And?” Phasma asked.</p><p> </p><p>While Poe, Asterix, Obelix, BB-8 and Idefix were exiting hyperspace and the Millennium Falcon was flying above the Mediterranean, a huge spaceship landed on Starkiller base. It was Supremacy, Supreme Leader Snoke's personal spaceship and the flagship of the First Order. It also acted as the Order's capital whenever Snoke was onboard.</p><p>Supremacy was one of the biggest spaceships ever built. It was sixty kilometers long, thirty kilometers wide and had a crew of two million people. Granted, the Death Star was bigger but Supremacy had more than forty thousand toilets, smashing the record for most toilets in a spaceship (the Death Star 'only' had twenty thousand). It also had the most trash compactors in a spaceship breaking another Galactic record. </p><p>“I can't wait to see the other Knights of Ren,” Kylo said.</p><p>“There are seven of them, including you,” Hux said. “Right?”</p><p>“Correct Hux. The others are on missions in various part of the Galaxy,” Kylo said. “Bribing, intimidating, drinking beer, playing with their lightsabers, drinking beer while playing with their lightsabers... you know the usual stuff.”</p><p>“I think drinking beer while playing with your lightsaber is a bit dangerous,” Hux said, trying not to laugh. </p><p>“Only if you are close to them,” Kylo said. “Fortunately, they won't be drunk today and they will be many planetary systems away when they will start drinking again.”</p><p>“That's good news Ren,” Hux said. “OK now, let's see if we are ready. We have the box with the uranium sample, we have coffee and donuts, we have one thousand troops for the honor guard... Did we miss anything?”</p><p>“I forgot to shave,” Kylo Ren said, “but that's OK. I will be wearing my full face helmet anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>“Present arms!” Hux ordered the moment the spaceship door opened and Snoke and his escort exited it. Snoke saluted the assembled troops and headed straight to Hux and Kylo, the six Knights of Ren closely following him.</p><p>“Hello Kylo!” one of the nights of Ren said.</p><p>“Hello Aylo!” Kylo replied.</p><p>“Hello Kylo!” another knight of Ren said.</p><p>“Hello Bylo!” Kylo replied.</p><p>“Hello Kylo!” another knight of Ren said.</p><p>“Hello Cylo!” Kylo replied.</p><p>“Hello...”</p><p>“All right Dylo, Eylo, Fylo and Kylo,” Snoke interrupted. “Cut the pleasantries, grab a coffee and a donut and let's get to work. We have a base to inspect.”</p><p>“Yes Supreme Leader,” Kylo said and used the Force to grab a donut and coffee. So did the rest of the Knights of Ren. Hux couldn't because he wasn't a Force user, but since he was a General he simply ordered a stormtrooper to bring him what he needed.</p><p> “I am a busy person and I have so many things to attend and do,” Snoke said while he, Hux and the Knights of Ren were walking towards the Starkiller Base main building. “I sometimes wish I was in two pieces to be in two places at the same time and do more things.”</p><p>“I wonder how I could help you with that Supreme Leader,” Kylo said.</p><p> </p><p>“Instead of three days,” Finn said in mock sadness, “I submitted a time estimate for... three weeks.”</p><p>“Do you mean,” Phasma asked - in mock agony -, “that due to that mistake, we are going to remain on Earth for... eighteen more days than planned?”</p><p>“That's right Captain,” Finn said, still pretending to be sad.</p><p>“My goodness,” Phasma said. “That means that instead of returning to Starkiller, we will remain on Earth during the Mediterranean summer and we will... ”</p><p>“Go fishing...” FN-2181 said.</p><p>“Hunting...” FN-2182 said.</p><p>“Swimming...” FN-2183 said.</p><p>“Enjoying the nature...” FN-2184 said.</p><p>“Drinking...” FN-2185 said.</p><p>“Flirting...” FN-2186 said. (That one was especially well received).</p><p>“Going to Athens to visit Plato's Academy...” FN-2187 (aka Finn) said.</p><p>“Going to Athens to see Acropolis...” FN-2188 said.</p><p>“Going to Egypt to see the Pyramids, the Sphinx and Cleopatra's new palace,” FN-2189 said.</p><p>“Well,” Phasma said. “It is either your ideas or returning to Starkiller on time, just in time not to miss Snoke who just paid a visit. Any suggestions?” After an intense debate that lasted... two seconds everyone agreed to remain on Earth and go on vacation in the Mediterranean.</p><p>“Sometimes, it is good to make mistakes,” Finn said. “Especially on purpose.”</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, a purple spaceship that was shaped like a menhir reached Ahch-To, the planet where Jedi Master Luke Skywalker was.</p><p>“It is full of water,” Asterix said. “So many tiny islands and so much sea.</p><p>“I wonder if there are boars down there,” Obelix asked.</p><p>“Sorry Obelix,” Poe said through the intercom. “There are only fish, sea cows and porgs.” Obelix gave Idefix a disappointed look.</p><p>“Unfortunately,” Obelix said, “Luke Skywalker has no recipe book for sea cows.”</p><p>“At least we have a book with porg cooking recipes,” Asterix said.</p><p>“Yes Asterix,” Obelix said. “But the porgs are so small. You need to eat twenty of them to produce the same amount of food a single wild boar does.”</p><p>“Anyway,” Poe said, “we are landing.”</p><p>A few minutes later, the spaceship landed on a small island. Upon landing, dozens of porgs surrounded it. So did some short humanoid creatures the Gauls had never seen before.</p><p>“Hey Idefix,” Obelix said. “We have reached our destination. And look! Lots of porgs. At least we will have a decent lunch!” Idefix barked.</p><p>“Yes, I know Idefix. We have to find Luke Skywalker first. OK Poe, Asterix. I am going to look for the Jedi Master.”</p><p>“OK Obelix,” Poe said. “We are going to stay here to guard the spaceship and hunt some porgs.”</p><p>Obelix exited the spaceship and slowly walked towards the humanoid creatures. He tried to communicate with them but he could not understand what they were saying. Fortunately, Idefix smelled something and barked for Obelix to follow him.</p><p>A few minutes later, Obelix and Idefix climbed some stairs and reached a plateau. And then... Obelix saw him! A man wearing a grey cape was standing at the edge of the plateau, his back turned on him.</p><p>“Hey Idefix,” Obelix said. “Perhaps that man speaks our language. I am going to ask him where Master Skywalker is. After all he is the only human on the island.” Idefix barked.</p><p>“Oh you mean that if Luke Skywalker is on the island and if there is only one human on the island, that human is Luke Skywalker so I don't have to ask? That's a great idea Idefix!”</p><p> </p><p>The man wearing the grey cape turned upon hearing Obelix's footsteps. In a slow – and somewhat – theatric move, he removed his cape to reveal his bearded face. Obelix looked at the man, then looked again, then looked at his dog.</p><p> </p><p>“He looks like Master Skywalker,” Obelix whispered to his dog. “But I am going to do what Panoramix said to do just in case. You know he might have a lightsaber or use a Jedi Mind Trick to convince me to... go on a diet!” Idefix gave him a horrified bark.</p><p>“I know Idefix,” Obelix whispered. “I am not fat, so why should I go on a diet?”</p><p>Luke Skywalker looked at Obelix. Obelix looked back and reached for one of his pockets. With slow and measured moves he removed the porg recipes book and presented it to the Jedi Master. (Just as Rey did with Luke's lightsaber in the Force Awakens).</p><p>The Jedi Master looked at the book, then at Obelix and...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is the end of Act One. </p><p>Act Two is on its way and Luke Skywalker is about to learn... how to improve his cooking of porgs! (OK, there is more than that...)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Tha Gaulish Menhir Creator and the Jedi Master</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Gauls and Poe finally meet Luke Skywalker.</p><p>At the same time Brutus and Cassius reach Sicily and prepare to meet Phasma and her platoon, which currently suffers from a hangover. </p><p>Finally, Snoke inspects the Starkiller base weapon. Will it work as planned? And what consequences will that have for Kylo Ren?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The Jedi Master looked at the book, then back at Obelix and then... he suddenly disappeared!</span>
</p><p>“<span>Hey what happened?” Obelix asked. “Where did you go?” He looked at his dog but Idefix was equally puzzled.</span></p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Luke Skywalker reappeared... behind Obelix!</span>
</p><p>“<span>Hello Obelix,” Luke said with a smile. “It's good to see you. I am Jedi Master Luke Skywalker but you can call me Luke if you wish.”</span></p><p>“<span>Do you know me Luke?” Obelix asked.</span></p><p>“<span>Yes,” Luke replied. “Panoramix has told me a lot about you and Asterix. Now if you excuse me...” The Jedi Master disappeared again.</span></p><p>“<span>Where did he go again?” Obelix asked his dog. Idefix barked.</span></p><p>“<span>He is exiting a cave? Where?” Obelix looked at his right and saw Luke approaching him.</span></p><p>“<span>Hello again Obelix,” Luke said upon reaching him. “I hope I didn't scare you. I was testing a new Jedi technique to project my image from a distance. It is called the astral projection.”</span></p><p>“<span>That's a nice technique with so many uses. Do you use it to play hide and seek with other Jedi?”</span></p><p>“<span>Well... no,” Luke said a bit puzzled. “But now that you say it, it's a good idea. Of course, I need to find some Jedi first.”</span></p><p>“<span>Did you use it to teach your students without leaving your bedroom?” The Jedi Master looked at Obelix, a big smile on his face.</span></p><p>“<span>I hadn't mastered the technique yet,” Luke said. “But it has a lot of potential. And you can even change your appearance in an astral projection. You can appear younger or older, you can change your hair color and you can even change your clothes!”</span></p><p>“<span>But without actually doing it Luke!”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes Obelix,” Luke said. “And the best part? You can do it from many kilometers away... even half a Galaxy away!”</span></p><p>“<span>That's great Luke,” Obelix said. “You save money on spaceship fuel, so you have more money to visit restaurants!”</span></p><p>“<span>Well, I had coffee shops in mind,” Luke commented, “but the logic is the same.”</span></p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, Obelix, Luke Skywalker and Idefix reached Poe, Asterix and BB-8. The Gaul, the Resistance pilot and the droid were hunting porgs with a big net trying to capture them.</span>
</p><p>“<span>This place is full of porgs,” Luke told Obelix. “And they reproduce very fast, like rabbits. If you let them, they will eat all vegetation on the island. Fortunately you can eat them and they are quite tasty.”</span></p><p>“<span>But they are too small,” Obelix said. “I need to eat twenty of them for a light breakfast.”</span></p><p>“<span>I understand Obelix,” Luke said. “Fortunately, there are bigger creatures in the Galaxy for someone to eat.”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes,” Obelix said full of enthusiasm. “For example, there is the rancor. Is it tasty?”</span></p><p>“<span>I don't know,” Luke said. “I've only seen a rancor once in Tatooine.” It was when he and his sister Leia had tried to free Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt.</span></p><p>“<span>Did you eat it?” Obelix asked.</span></p><p>“<span>No, it was the rancor that tried to eat me, so I killed it.”</span></p><p>“<span>Too bad,” Obelix said. “Rancors are twenty times bigger than a wild boar. Anyway, my friends are waiting.”</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“<span>Welcome back Obelix,” Asterix said when he and Luke reached the Purple Menhir.</span></p><p>“<span>Master Luke Skywalker may I presume? The Jedi who blew up the Death Star and convinced Darth Vader to switch sides?” Asterix said.</span></p><p>“<span>And who also wrote a book about porg cooking recipes,” Obelix said.</span></p><p>“<span>Yes, that is me,” Luke replied. “And you must be Asterix, the mighty Gaul from Armorice, from the village of the heroic Gauls Caesar's legions never conquered.”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes Master Skywalker,” Asterix said. </span></p><p>“<span>Just call me Luke,” the Jedi Master replied. “All of you.” His eyes fell on Poe. </span></p><p>“<span>And you,” Luke said, “must be Poe Dameron, the best pilot in the Resistance. My sister Leia and Amilyn have told me a lot about you... especially Amilyn.”</span></p><p>“<span>It's good to meet you too Luke,” Poe said. “I hope Amilyn didn't tell you the intimate stuff.”</span></p><p>“<span>No, she didn't,” Luke said with a smile. “But I understand you... put the spaceship into the hangar.” Asterix, Obelix and Luke gave Poe an admiring smile, the smile men give each other when one of them ends up with a gorgeous woman.</span></p><p>“<span>Yes,” Poe said, “a pride smile on his face. Or as Obelix would say... I put the menhir in the cave.”</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>While the Gauls, Poe, and a Jedi Master were talking, Brutus and Cassius reached Sicily. It had taken them a couple of days to do so because the fastest mode of transportation in ancient Rome were the horses. (Hux hadn't provided Caesar with spaceships yet and even if he had Caesar would not be stupid to give them to potential enemies).</span>
</p><p>“<span>At last we reached Sicily,” Brutus said, exhausted.</span></p><p>“<span>Yes,” Cassius said. “A few days of supervision and we are back in Rome with enough money to get reelected.”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes,” Brutus said. “Caesar is smart. If we don't accept his money, we don't get reelected. If we accept the money, we take sides and our friends in the Senate no longer ally with us.”</span></p><p>“<span>Nice way for him to neutralize a conspiracy in one swift motion,” Brutus said. “Simple but effective.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Both men kept moving towards the camp that would host them for a few days. The uranium mine was nearby.</span>
</p><p>“<span>I wonder who or what the First Order is,” Brutus said after a few minutes. “Perhaps their representatives will tell us.”</span></p><p>“<span>Don't count on that Brutus,” Cassius said. “They will probably be as evasive as Caesar. We don't even know whether that Captain Phasma of theirs is a man or a woman.”</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Meanwhile, also in Sicily... Finn was laying next to an olive tree, sleeping and snoring. Around him the rest of the platoon – including Phasma - were also sleeping. Only FN-2181 and FN-2182 were absent because they had taken the Millennium Falcon for a classified mission.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The previous day twenty goats had strayed towards Phasma's platoon. The platoon had captured them and returned them to their owner. To thank them, the owner of the goats gave them two goats and a barrel of wine as a gift. The result had been predictable. The platoon cooked and ate the goats drank the wine... and they all got drunk and fell asleep...</span>
</p><p>“<span>Kikirikoo!” The sound of the rooster made them all wake up.</span></p><p>“<span>Hey!” Phasma told her platoon. “Turn the alarm clock with that rooster ringtone off.”</span></p><p>“<span>It's a real rooster boss,” Finn said.</span></p><p>“<span>I have a hangover here,” Phasma said. “Make that rooster shut up.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Finn examined his options. What is the best way to make a rooster shut up? Talk to him? Negotiate with him? Chase him? Or...</span>
</p><p>“<span>Yes boss, I have it,” Finn said. The next second, he aimed the rooster with his rifle and pulled the trigger.</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>After a frugal lunch with porgs (Obelix ate less than thirty of them) the Jedi Master and his visitors got to business.</span>
</p><p>“<span>So you want me to help the Resistance Poe,” Luke said. “Against the First Order.”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes Luke,” Poe replied. “They have developed a superweapon, called the Starkiller Base. Sort of like the Death Star, only bigger.”</span></p><p>“<span>Why don't you make an air strike?” Luke asked.</span></p><p>“<span>We don't know the precise location and its defenses,” Poe replied. “And besides we need spaceships, fuel, bombs and other types of ammo for the attack.”</span></p><p>“<span>Which means you need to buy them,” Luke said. “But... you don't have the money.”</span></p><p>“<span>That is correct Luke,” Poe said. “Do you...”</span></p><p>“<span>No, I don't have money to lend you. I am currently unemployed and without income.”</span></p><p>“<span>I understand,” Poe said. “That's why Amilyn came up with a great idea.”</span></p><p>“<span>Let me guess,” Luke said. “She purchased an old spaceship with colors that match her wardrobe and used it as a hair salon to generate revenue.” Asterix, Obelix, Poe, BB-8 and Idefix looked at him, impressed.</span></p><p>“<span>How did you find that out Luke?” Poe asked, still impressed.</span></p><p>“<span>Because... I am a Jedi Master!” Luke said, a big smile on his face.</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Finn's aim was totally inaccurate and he hit the branch of a tree two meters away from the rooster causing it to fall. (Well, he had drunk two liters of wine so...)</span>
</p><p>“<span>Dammit,” he said. “I missed.” Fortunately, the rooster was scared and run away so Finn succeeded... from a certain point of view.</span></p><p>“<span>I drunk too much last night,” Finn said. “And I still have a hangover.”</span></p><p>“<span>I know Finn,” Phasma said, still dizzy from the hangover. “I had too much wine myself. On the bright side, the goats FN-2183 and FN-2184 cooked were delicious.”</span></p><p>“<span>Yes boss,” Finn said. “The oven in the Falcon is good but nothing beats cooking with firewood.”</span></p><p>“<span>It is good to be on vacation,” Finn said. “Clear sky, sunny weather, lots of beaches to swim, excellent food and wine...”</span></p><p>“<span>That's right Finn,” Phasma said. “Now tell the others to get ready. Last night I sent FN-2181 and FN-2182 with the Falcon for shopping in India, in China and in the Arabian Peninsula. They will be back in about an hour.”</span></p><p>“<span>Did Hux allow us to use the Falcon for that?” Finn asked with a smile.</span></p><p>“<span>No, but let's say I'll forget to tell him,” Phasma replied with a smile. Finn smiled as well.</span></p><p>“<span>By the way, what is Hux doing now?” Finn asked.</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“<span>So General Hux,” Snoke said. “Aylo, Bylo, Cylo, Dylo, Eylo, Fylo, Kylo and I are waiting to see the superweapon you have created.”</span></p><p>“<span>Of course Supreme Leader,” Hux said. “For the time being we have just enough uranium to blow up a small satellite. But when we get more, the Starkiller superweapon will be strong enough to blow up a planetary system.”</span></p><p>“<span>As my grandpa Vader used to say though,” Kylo Ren said, “the power of a superweapon is insignificant compared to the power of the Force.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Hux started talking but then he remembered officer Motti who had disagreed with Darth Vader about the same matter decades ago and had nearly died in the process. Saying something against the Force against a Force sensitive Supreme Leader and seven Knights of Ren was even more suicidal. Hux decided to remain silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wearing a hazmat suit, a volunteer stormtrooper put the piece of uranium Caesar had given Hux to the reactor. Hux pressed a button and...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A not-so-powerful ray of energy exited the big Starkiller cannon. It traveled through the atmosphere until it hit an old First Order satellite that orbited around the planet. </span>
</p><p>“<span>We had a success,” Hux said. “The system works. The satellite is gone.”</span></p><p>“<span>But we lost a satellite,” Kylo said. “It transmitted valuable data.”</span></p><p>“<span>It was an old one,” Hux said. “It only transmitted cartoon programs from a TV station.”</span></p><p>“<span>These were my favorite cartoons!” Kylo said. “I watched them every night!”</span></p><p>
  <span>Six Knights of Ren, one First Order General, and Supreme Leader Snoke facepalmed at the same time.</span>
</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  <span>Back in Ahch-To...</span>
</p><p>“<span>You know,” Luke Skywalker said, “apart from the loneliness, the boredom, the fact the locals could not understand a word about what I was saying, and the rather bland food, things weren't that bad.”</span></p><p>“<span>Will you join us?” Obelix said. “After all, Panoramix wanted you back to Earth to plan our next moves.”</span></p><p>“<span>I will Obelix,” Luke said. “After all, I have missed the wild boars.”</span></p><p>“<span>OK,” Poe said. “The spaceship is ready for launch.”</span></p><p>“<span>OK,” Luke said. “Let's go.” A few minutes later he was back holding his lightsaber, some books, some notes and some luggage.</span></p><p>“<span>Let's go Gauls!” Poe said.</span></p><p>“<span>May the Force be with you Asterix!” Obelix said.</span></p><p>“<span>May the Force be with you Obelix!” Asterix said.  </span><span>(Yes, that's something Gauls usually don't say... but these Gauls are crazy and they have been in a Galaxy far, far away!)</span></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, Kylo missed his cartoons. Hopefully Hux will offer him some DVDs as a gift.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Dinner with Brutus and Cassius and pirates (again...)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Caesar buys the support of one more Senator.</p>
<p>Brutus and Cassius invite Phasma for dinner.</p>
<p>The Gauls, Luke and Poe meet pirates. Too bad (for the pirates...)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sometimes you have to be ruthless to gain power. You have to identify who your enemies are and attack them without mercy. You have to bring death, exile and loss of fortune and power upon them until they are completely crushed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Other times you have to be manipulative. You have to convince them to join you, you have to bribe them to neutralize their opposition or to gain their support. Alternatively, you can resort to good old blackmail.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And other times you just have to be patient. You have to endure their presence, their boring speeches, their very boring speeches, their extremely boring speeches... like the one Senator Gaius Lachanius was giving to the Senate in front of a hundred senators and Julius Caesar.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>So as I was saying,” Lachanius said, “the cabbage farmers in Italy face a huge crisis. There has been no rain during the past three months and that means we...”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Julius Caesar was not paying attention. He was just nodding his head to appear he was engaged. In reality, his mind wandered to his past triumphs against his enemy Pompeius, his victories in the East, his relationship with Cleopatra, his conquest of Gaul... with the exception of that small village in Armorice that still defied him!</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>The cabbage plays such an important role in our empire,” Lachanius said. Caesar was utterly bored. He only ate cabbage in his salad and that was the only time he cared about them. But he had to endure Lachanius, because the Senator had lots of connections both inside and outside the Senate, connections Caesar needed.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>At the same time Caesar could help Lachanius. The moment Armitage Hux provided Caesar with gold, the Roman General started spending it in a very generous manner. That was something very few Roman politicians missed, something Caesar counted on. Dozens of them had already approached him, trying to secure his financing for the upcoming elections. And Gaius Lachanius was no exception to that rule.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>And for that reason,” Lachanius said, concluding his speech, “I believe the cabbage farmers of Italy need our support. Thank you.” There was a round of applause but it was rather soulless.</span></p>
<p>“<span>It was such an inspiring speech Senator,” Julius Caesar told Lachanius outside the Senate when the session was over. “So moving, so well-attuned to our times.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Thank you General Caesar,” the Senator said. “Your concerns fill my heart with joy.” Both men were of course lying but they had keep appearances on.</span></p>
<p>“<span>I understand your noble struggle for the cabbage farmers needs the appropriate support,” Caesar said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Lachanius said. “My political opponents don't care about our noble farmers and their struggles.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It would be really sad if they were elected instead of you,” Caesar said going to business. “But fortunately, Caesar is a concerned citizen of Rome who helps the people who deserve it.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>One hour later, Caesar was back in his palace having sealed another deal. Lachanius would provide him with his support and in return Caesar would finance his reelection campaign.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Just like Brutus and Cassius,” Caesar said.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Speaking of Brutus and Cassius...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>A few hours ago, I sent a messenger to invite the leader of that First Order detachment for dinner,” Brutus said, a big smile on his face.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, that Captain Phasma of theirs,” Cassius said. “And?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Phasma is a woman!” Brutus said. Immediately Cassius got interested.</span></p>
<p>“<span>A good-looking one?” he asked. </span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh yes,” Brutus replied. “She is tall, blonde, with piercing blue eyes. And since I am married and you not, you know...”</span></p>
<p>“<span>You really need to lend me your cologne Brutus.”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still in Sicily, a few hours later...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>OK everyone,” Phasma said. “I am invited for dinner and FN-2187 is coming with me. The rest of you guard the Millennium Falcon and have fun. I have a special gift for you by the way.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What gift boss?” FN-2181 asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Do you remember satellite TNX-1138?” she asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” FN-2181. “The old satellite that played cartoons. I really liked the one with the speaking sponge who had a crab for boss. I watched it every night.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Really?” Phasma said full of enthusiasm. “That's my favorite one as well. I really liked that female squirrel by the way.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Mr. Crab reminds me of Hux,” FN-2181.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, Hux is a bad boss like Crab,” Phasma said. “He wanted to test the Starkiller cannon against our beloved satellite.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What??” all stormtroopers said in horror. “And lose our... cartoons?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Don't worry though,” Phasma said. “I found the DVDs and I brought them with me! Enjoy watching while FN-2187 and I go for dinner.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>You are the best boss... boss!” all stormtroopers said in unison. They were so full of gratitude.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later, Finn and Phasma were in the Roman camp. Two prominent Roman officers were waiting for them. One of them was dressed in a normal uniform and had paid the usual attention a man pays: enough to be presentable but nothing excessive. The other one though had trimmed his hair, wore a perfectly ironed uniform, had shaven and had a big smile on his face. As Phasma approached them, she noticed the man was also wearing a very elegant cologne.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Officers Brutus and Cassius,” Cassius said. “We are delighted to have you with us.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>The pleasure is all ours,” Phasma said in her well-ironed dress uniform. “I am so happy to be in Sicily with you gentlemen.” She noticed Cassius was paying a lot of attention to her. But that happened with men all the time.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later, the dinner was served. As per their agreement, Brutus kept talking to Finn to keep him busy and let Cassius focus his full attention to Phasma.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>I know it might sound like an exaggeration,” Cassius said, “but you remind me of Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh thank you so much Cassius,” Phasma said, smiling. “That is quite a compliment. But I admit I feel a bit embarrassed.</span></p>
<p>“<span>But why Phasma?” Cassius said. “It is a really honest and correct observation.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I appreciate your interest Cassius,” she said, “but my heart belongs to someone else, a man I met a few days ago.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Cassius was a bit disappointed but he didn't show it. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Bad luck but such things happen. </em>
  </span>
  <span>In any case, he decided to learn more about the other man, just in case he got lucky.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>He must be someone remarkable for you to like him,” he said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh he is,” Phasma said. “He is strong, he is fast, he is intelligent and very confident.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Then he must be a Roman,” Cassius said.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>Well, almost,” Phasma said, “He is from a village in Armorice and they drink a magic potion there. Actually his name is Obelix. Do you happen to know him?” Cassius looked at her, shocked and scared.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Obelix? You mean Obelix the Ga...Ga...?”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>(Everyone in Rome knows about the mighty Gaul.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Speaking of Obelix...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>And then Luke,” Obelix said, “the Romans searched the pile of coals to find the shield.” He was talking about one of his adventures when he and Asterix were looking for Vercingetorix's shield. (Caesar was still searching for it by the way).</span></p>
<p>“<span>I remember the story,” Luke Skywalker said. “Panoramix told me your chief Vitalstatistix has it now and still uses it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, moving on a shield is very practical,” Obelix said. “You don't have to walk and you have a better view from a height. But the people who carry it must be careful. You have to lower it when you enter buildings or you will fall from it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Let me guess,” Luke said. “You were once a shield bearer and 'accidentally' forgot to lower the shield when Vitalstatistix was returning home.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It was the only way to make my chief replace me,” Obelix said with a conspiratorial smile.</span></p>
<p>“<span>But you lost your job and your income,” Luke said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Don't worry Luke,” Obelix said. “It was an unpaid job anyway. Besides, menhir creation, wild boar hunting and adventures with Asterix are better alternatives.”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>Obelix and Luke have become friends,” Poe said while checking the Purple Menhir's instruments.</span></p>
<p>“<span>So have we Poe,” Asterix said, next to him. BB-8 next to him bleeped.</span></p>
<p>“<span>And so have Idefix and BB-8,” Poe said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>That's the spirit,” Asterix said with a smile. “Now Poe, what is our next stop?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I contacted Leia using the radio. I told her about uranium and how the First Order might obtain it. Since there is nothing she or we can do in our Galaxy, there is only one thing to do.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>To go back to Earth and meet Panoramix,” Asterix said. </span></p>
<p>“<span>Exactly Asterix,” Poe said. “The battle for our Galaxy will be won in your Galaxy.”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Back in Sicily, the dinner with Brutus and Cassius was over. Finn and Phasma were back with the rest of the platoon. Predictably, the rest of the platoon were drinking wine and watching cartoons.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>How did it go?” they asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Well, the dinner was nice, Cassius was flirting me the whole time and they know about the Gauls. Apart from that, Brutus told Finn a lot about Greece.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Finn said full of enthusiasm. “Brutus told me about the Stoic Philosophy that is still in Athens. He also told me about the famous theater of Epidaurus where tragedies are played.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Time to learn about Greek tragedy,” the stormtroopers said. “Sophocles, Aeschylus, Euripides...”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meanwhile, a big ugly spaceship was following the Purple Menhir. It was a pirate ship... the same one that had attacked them on their way to Ahch-To!</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>That Gaul Obelix really knew how to punch,” the space pirate leader said. “Hopefully he is far away now.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hey boss,” a pirate said. “We have a radar signal. A spaceship without escort!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Great,” the pirate leader said. “Prepare the tractor beam!”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>We have company,” Poe said. “It appears to be... a pirate ship!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Let me guess,” Asterix said. “It is the same one that attacked us on our way to Jakku.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes Asterix,” Poe said. “The radar signatures match. I'll try to evade them.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh, don't bother,” Asterix said with a smile. “I have a better idea.” Still smiling, he stood up and went to the cabin.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later Asterix had explained his plan to Luke and Obelix. Luke was full of enthusiasm, however Obelix's reaction was lukewarm.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>But I won't punch them that way,” Obelix said. “I will only scare them. Can't we just let them board us... a little?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh come on Obelix,” Luke said. “We will prank them and it will be as good as punching them.” Luke went on to explain his idea. </span></p>
<p>“<span>Hey, that's a great idea,” Obelix finally said. “I can do it!”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pirate spaceship had activated its tractor beam... when an astral projection appeared in the middle of the spaceship bridge. It was a Jedi technique by none other than...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Hello there,” the projected man said. “I am Luke Skywalker and I have a message for you. Don't board us.“</span></p>
<p>“<span>Luke who?” the pirate captain said. “The Jedi Master?” </span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>And I am Darth Vader,” the pirate captain said, disbelieving him.</span></p>
<p>“<span>You are too ugly to be Darth Vader,” Luke said. “Anyway, my message is: if you board this spaceship, a friend of mine will become very angry.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>And who is that friend of yours?” the pirate captain asked. </span></p>
<p>“<span>His name is... Obelix!” Luke said. “Here, let me show you!”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>One good thing with astral projections is that you can include a second person if you touch him/her. Luke raised his left hand, touched Obelix's shoulder and...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Hello there!” Obelix said full of enthusiasm. “Do you remember me?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello... Obelix,” the pirate captain said, barely avoiding panic mode.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hey,” Obelix said, “you have activated your tractor beam. Are you going to visit us?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>The tractor beams? Oh, the tractor beams,” the pirate captain said as if just realizing they were active. “Oh yes, we forgot to turn them off.” Immediately, the pirates shut the beams down, freeing the Purple Menhir. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>A few seconds later, the pirate spaceship jumped to hyperspace as far away from Obelix as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>These pirates are really scared,” Poe said, checking the radar. “They have gone... really very far.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>These pirates are crazy!” Luke Skywalker said. Immediately, Asterix, Obelix – and Idefix! – looked at him, their eyes wide with admiration.</span></p>
<p>“<span>That's what a true Gaul would say!” Obelix said full of enthusiasm. </span></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Glory of Greece</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After Finn's request, Phasma's platoon visits Greece. </p>
<p>Finn uses Greek philosophy and Greek ancient drama to convince Phasma and the rest of the platoon to have a more active role resisting the First Order.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the least lighthearted chapter in the series. There is not much humor and it is involved with philosophy and drama. </p>
<p>It is an important chapter though because it is the one where Phasma's platoon will question their loyalty... with a little assistance from the Greeks!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>After Finn's suggestion, </span>Phasma and her platoon <span>v</span>isit<span>ed</span> one of the most beautiful and <span>most </span>significant places within the Roman Empire: Greece.</p>
<p>"Beautiful beaches and sightseeing," FN-2181 said.</p>
<p>"Excellent food," FN-2182 said.</p>
<p>"Philosophical ideas that have shaped and will shape the world for centuries to come," Finn said. "Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Zeno the founder of Stoicism..."</p>
<p>"Comedies and tragedies that speak to your heart and your mind," Phasma said. "Aeschylus, <span>Sophocles</span>, Euripides... <span>and so many others.</span>"</p>
<p>"We have so much to see, to taste, to learn," Finn said.</p>
<p>What Finn didn't say was <span>the real reason he wanted them to visit Greece: he wanted them to reconsider their ways</span>. And the best part? He only had some nudging to do. Greek ancient drama and Greek philosophy would do most of the work for him.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>A few minutes later the Falcon was above Attica and reached its northern part in an area named Marathon. <span>Soon the Falcon </span>land<span>ed</span> next to a big tomb <span>that was</span> more than four centuries old.</p>
<p>"This <span>place</span>," Finn <span>told the platoon</span>, "is the place where the Athenians, the citizens of this beautiful place, fought and won the evil Persian Empire. Although they were outnumbered five to one, their superior <span>strategy and fighting spirit</span> isolated and destroyed the enemy center. <span>And this,</span>" <span>Finn said showing the tomb next to them, “is where those who sacrificed their lives are buried.”</span></p>
<p>Phasma smiled. She <span>had an idea </span>what Finn was trying to accomplish.</p>
<p>"It is a great honor," Finn said, "to fight for the righeous cause. And this tomb will always remind not only the people of <span>Greece, not only the people of </span>Earth but also the people from our Galaxy, far, far away that a life fighting for sovereignity <span>and</span> principles, <span>a life </span>fighting to remain free against those who want to enslave you or others is always the right choice. Opposing the tyranny of the Persian Empire or every other <span>despotic </span>empire is always the right thing to do."</p>
<p>Yes, Phasma thought. Finn was drawing the obvious parallels between the Persian Empire, the Galactic Empire... and its <span>wannabe </span>successor, the First Order.</p>
<p>Phasma was conficted herself. On the one hand, she was an officer <span>of</span> the First Order. On the other hand, she had joined them to earn <span>enough </span>money <span>to start her own business and not out of ideology</span>.</p>
<p>But what <span>should</span> she do? She should do the right thing but what was the right thing here? Should she abandon the First Order? <span>Should she just do what Hux ordered? </span>Should she try to undermine them from within?</p>
<p>Apart from that, what about her platoon? She was <span>their commanding officer and therefore </span>responsible for them. If she just abandoned them, they would be punished for not preventing her escape.</p>
<p>Finally, what about reality? It is easy to have bold ideas and make bold assertions in your mind. But what about real world consequences? We often do the wrong thing not because we can't tell good from bad but because <span>doing the wrong thing has less risks for us</span>.</p>
<p>It was at that moment that Finn came with the answer.</p>
<p>"<span>I</span>f you wonder what that means for us," he said, "we have come to the right place. The city of Athens, the city where the brave soldiers who defeated the Persians in Marathon were born is also the city where some of the greatest philosophers and schools of philosophy came to life. <span>Among them, there </span>is a school that could give <span>us the </span>answers <span>we need</span>."</p>
<p>"Which school is that?" the stormtroopers asked full of interest.</p>
<p>"Stoicism," Finn replied<span>,</span> "a school of practical philosophy, well adapted to answer our questions."</p>
<p>"<span>W</span>hat are waiting for?" <span>Phasma said.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Twenty minutes later, the Millennium Falcon landed <span>next to some olive trees a few kilometers away from Athens</span>. <span>To better blend with the environment, the stormtroopers</span><span> put a camouflage net on the spaceship that resembled olive trees and o</span>ff they went.</p>
<p>It took them <span>two </span>hours of walking to reach the <span>city gates</span>. They could have <span>walked faster but </span>why miss the opportunity to observe the sun, the nature in all its beauty and the architecture with the temples and the monuments of <span>a glorious</span> civilization?</p>
<p><span>A few minutes later </span>they reached the city centre, the place where merchants sold their products and philosophers tried to teach their students how the world worked. And among the most prominent of them were the Stoics <span>who taught their lessons in a building under the </span>glorious temple of Parthenon called the Poikile Stoa. <span>(That building still stands today after so many centuries). </span></p>
<p>Three centuries after the foundation of Stoicism, a group of students from a Galaxy far, far away e<span>ntered the Stoa to learn and most important of all to apply the lessons learned.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>"Welcome, welcome everybody," an old man said. He was tall, with long white hair and a beard. "I am Athinaios and today <span>we</span> will talk about Stoicism. But first of all, who is going to tell me what <span>its </span>four virtues are?" To Phasma's amazement, Finn raised his hand.</p>
<p>"Ye<span>s sir</span>?" Athinaios said.</p>
<p>"The four virtues," Finn said, "are wisdom, temperance, justice and courage."</p>
<p>"That is correct," Athinaios said. Phasma looked at Finn, slightly impressed.</p>
<p>"Now, who is going to tell us about temperance?" Athinaios asked. Finn raised his hand again.</p>
<p>"Temperance is what we call self-control and self-discipline. It is our ability to regulate our behavior towards things and other people. Temperance is the ability to remain calm in a crisis, not to get upset or angry <span>with other people</span>, not to overeat or overdrink and not <span>to worry too much</span>."</p>
<p>"Correct. How about wisdom?" Phasma decided to take part in the discussion and raised her hand.</p>
<p>"Wisdom," she said, "is the ability to find the truth, the means to navigate your thoughts in the correct direction, the ability to understand the most proper and effective behavior in a given set of circumstances. <span>It is like a map for your behavior</span></p>
<p>"Also correct <span>lady</span>. How about justice?" Finn raised his hand.</p>
<p>"Justice is the ability to tell what is morally correct, to be fair in your judgement of yourself and others. Justice is your purpose in life."</p>
<p>"Also correct. How about courage?" A stormtrooper –<span> not Finn </span>– raised his hand.</p>
<p>"Courage is the ability to move forward at the face of the enemy. It is the ability to fight for what you think is right. <span>In essence, it is moving from </span>talking <span>and thinking</span> about what is right to doing something about it."</p>
<p>"Very well," Athinaios said. "And the best part? You can combine these virtues. For instance, justice without courage is just a theory. But if you combine it with courage, you can make it a reality. Who will give my another example?" Phasma raised her hand.</p>
<p>"Wisdom and justice," she said. "Justice is the ultimate goal of stoicism but you need wisdom to understand what <span>is fair and what is not</span>."</p>
<p>"Precisely," Athinaios said. "Another now?" The people in the Stoa – including the stormtroopers – took turns finding combinations: wisdom and courage, courage and temperance, <span>wisdom and temperance</span>. The most intresting part though was when Finn <span>and the other stormtroopers asked questions about their situation</span>.</p>
<p>"I understand those stoic virtues are an ideal <span>you should strive for</span>," <span>Finn asked.</span> "But what happens when there is conflict <span>between them? What happens for instance </span>when you know that showing courage will only give you temporary benefits <span>but cause your death</span>?" He went on to describe the situation he and his platoon faced with the First Order, <span>the fake execution of villagers, </span>Dameron's escape, and their mission in Sicily.</p>
<p>"Well," Athinaios said. "I understand you <span>face</span> dilemmas <span>here</span>. You cannot directly defy your superiors. <span>If you do so, you are dead and they will kill you and assign the immoral thing to someone else.”</span></p>
<p>“What do we do then?” a stormtrooper asked.</p>
<p>“There is a play in the theater of Epidaurus today,” Athinaios said. “It will give you a lot of food for thought.”</p>
<p>“Which play Athinaios?” Phasma asked.</p>
<p>“Sophocles' Antigone. You will understand.”</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>"It was such a life-altering experience," a stormtrooper said. "<span>Stoicism</span> gave us so much perspective."</p>
<p>"Yes," Phasma said. "It was worth every second of it."</p>
<p>"We <span>disobeyed</span> First Order's orders <span>in the past</span>," Finn said. "But we never thought about it on a systematic basis."</p>
<p>"Yes," Phasma said. "Not killing those innocent villagers in Jakku was the right thing to do. But we mostly disobeyed orders for our comfort, not out of <span>virtue</span>."</p>
<p>"We are <span>not immoral</span> people," Finn said. "<span>But we never thought of becoming something more</span>. <span>We just survived. We can be more, much more</span>. <span>We can become virtuous. We can make justice our first priority like the Stoics did.</span>"</p>
<p>"But we are First Order troopers," a stormtrooper said. "Shouldn't we obey our officers?"</p>
<p>"Well my friend<span>s</span>," Finn said with a smile, "let us see what Sophocles <span>has to </span>say about that."</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>After some hours of walking the platoon reached the Millennium Falcon, removed <span>the camouflage net and </span>took off <span>for </span>Epidaurus, the place where the most famous theater in the world is. Thousands of people <span>were already there </span>excitedly discussing in their languages about the play they were about to see<span>:</span> Romans, <span>Greeks</span> Egyptians, <span>Gauls, Spaniards, soldiers, sailors, farmers, philosophers</span>... <span>all of them eager to see, to hear, to feel, to learn...</span></p>
<p>"<span>Είναι τόσο σημαντικό και ενδιαφέρον έργο,” </span><span>a Greek merchant told a friend of his. “</span><span>Εξετάζει το δίλημμα μεταξύ ηθικού νόμου και νόμου του ηγεμόνα.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Ήρθα από τόσο μακρυά για να το δω,” </span><span>the other merchant replied. “</span><span>Και σε δύο χιλιάδες χρόνια από σήμερα οι άνθρωποι πάλι θα μαζεύονται στην Επίδαυρο να το δουν.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Έχεις δίκιο φίλε μου,” </span><span>the first merchant said. “</span><span>Οι άνθρωποι στο μέλλον θα πετάνε, θα πηγαίνουν στο διάστημα αλλά και πάλι θα έρχονται στην Επίδαυρο για να δουν τραγωδίες.”</span></p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>(Translation of the above dialogue for non-Greeks.</p>
<p>Merchant One: It is such an important and interesting play. It examines the dilemma between moral law and the ruler's law.</p>
<p>Merchant Two: I came from far away to see it. Two thousand years for now people will still gather in Epidaurus to see it.</p>
<p>Merchant One: You are right my friend. People in the future will fly and go to space but they will still come to Epidaurus to see tragedies.)</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>"<span>I hope we can hear what the actors say,” Phasma said. “We are too far away from the scene.”</span></p>
<p>“Don't worry boss,” Finn said. “This theater is famous for its acoustics. You can hear the actors equally well, no matter how far away you are from the scene.”</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>
  <span>The story of Antigone is based on an ancient myth about the Greek city of Thiva. (The city that still exists in the same place with the same name in Greece). According to the myth, when the king of Thiva died, his two sons Eteocles and Polynices succeeded him. Since both brothers would be kings, they needed to share power fairly to avoid conflicts. So they reached an agreement: Eteocles would rule for the first year, Polynices would rule for the second, Eteocles for the third, Polynices for the fourth and that sharing would continue on a permanent basis.</span>
</p>
<p>Eteocles had other ideas though. When his time to leave office for a year came, he refused to give the throne to his brother. Disappointed and bitter, Polynices left Thiva and reached the city-state of Argos. He convinced its rulers to attack Thiva and took part in the invasion as one of Argos's generals.</p>
<p>In the end, Thiva's army won the decisive battle and forced Argos to retreat. However, King Eteocles died in the battlefield. In a strange twist of fate, it was Polynices who killed him. Polynices fate was no better though: he also lost his life, killed by Eteocles' sword. And that is the point where the story of Antigone starts.</p>
<p>After the king of Thiva died, Eteocles' uncle Creon became the new ruler. His first order was to bury Eteocles with full honors since he was their king and heroically died to defend their city. For his other nephew though, Creon had a very harsh idea in mind: Polynices betrayed his country and his corpse should to be left unburied for the wild animals to eat.</p>
<p>People try to convince Creon to change his mind. Granted, Polynices betrayed his country and there are no excuses for that. But Polynices had a point: Eteocles kept the throne for himself instead of honoring the deal with his brother. In addition, the moral law states that even Polynices should get a proper burial no matter what. But Creon is too headstrong to listen.</p>
<p>Antigone, the sister of Eteocles and Polynices decides to act. In an act of defiance and disobedience, she reaches the abandoned battlefield and offers her brother a burial ceremony.</p>
<p>Creon is enraged. Although Antigone is his niece, he accuses her for insubordination to his rule. Unfortunately, Antigone is as headstrong as her uncle and keeps defying him instead of being polite and diplomatic to diffuse the situation. As a result, Creon sentences her to death: she is to be entombed alive till she dies from thirst and hunger.</p>
<p>Athena, the goddess of wisdom, interferes and criticizes Creon for his actions. The ruler of Thiva finally listens, changes his mind and decides to properly bury Polynices and free Antigone. But it is too late: Antigone has commited suicide, much to everyone's devastation.</p>
<p>
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<p>“There are so many lessons here,” Phasma said when the play was over. “Antigone was so brave.”</p>
<p>“Brave but stupid,” Finn said. “If she had been less headstrong, Creon would have given her a lesser sentence, like a few years in prison. She would have been victorious.”</p>
<p>“Antigone was victorious... from a certain point of view,” Phasma said. “Creon changed his mind in the end. But I get your point. Antigone had courage but no wisdom.”</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Finn said. “And that brings us to our own Creon and our own dilemmas.”</p>
<p>“Hux is our Creon,” Phasma said, “and in our case, divine intervention is Snoke. But unlike Athena, Snoke won't interfere if we openly defy Hux and if he does he won't come to our aid. He will just shrug and let Hux execute us for insubordination.”</p>
<p>“Correct,” Finn said. “But we can't let Hux get uranium. The moment he does that, he'll use Starkiller Base to blow planets left and right. We need to be both brave and smart here. We need to disobey Hux in a way he won't understand it.”</p>
<p>“There is a way,” Phasma said. “We'll bring Hux uranium but of a low quality and we will claim that's the best there is. He will either have to find uranium elsewhere or he'll keep sending us back to Earth for more shipments.”</p>
<p>“That will give time for the Resistance to attack the First Order,” Finn said.</p>
<p>“Speaking of the Resistance...” Phasma said with a smile. Finn looked at her.</p>
<p>“OK I did it,” he admitted. “I freed Poe Dameron.”</p>
<p>“I had my suspicions,” she said. “A few days ago I would be disappointed with you. But now I am proud. You did the right thing Finn... but in a way that let you live and fight another day.”</p>
<p>“Let us seek justice in every activity,” Phasma said. “Let us have the wisdom to find justice, the temperance to sustain our path to it and the courage to pursue it despite the obstacles. Let us be brave but not reckless. Let us be wise but not cowards. Let us be virtuous in deeds and not just in words.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I first learned about the myth of Antigone when I was 16 and I was still in school. In fact, it was a school lesson. </p>
<p>There are many interpretations about the story: family vs state values, moral law vs ruler's law, obedience to authority vs following your conscience and many many others.</p>
<p>I chose the dilemma between moral law and ruler's law because:</p>
<p>a) It is the one I always found the most relevant to my life and the story.</p>
<p>b) It is the one closest to the dilemma Finn and the rest of the platoon faced.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Two Gauls, one Princess, one former smuggler... and a Wookie!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Asterix, Obelix, Poe, BB-8 and Idefix have a teleconference with... Han Solo, Leia Organa and... Chewie!</p>
<p>(No more description is necessary!)</p>
<p>We also have Snoke, Hux, the Knights of Ren, some pirates... and Panoramix.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<span>Hey,” Poe said. “I received another message from my boss.” He led Asterix in the main cabin where Obelix and Luke Skywalker were chatting.</span></p>
<p>“<span>A message from Leia?” Luke said. “Great! I haven't talked with her in years!”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Poe activated the holoprojector and an image appeared. It was from the cabin of another spaceship in another part of the Galaxy. When the image cleared, Luke saw Leia sitting on a sofa. Two more people were there but their faces were obscured.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Leia!” he said. “It's been such a long time!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello brother!” she said. “It's good to see you are alright. You have spent a lot of time away from us.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I know Leia. The food was average, I had no company but I learned a lot. How about you?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>The usual stuff Luke. Organizing the Resistance, trying to reestablish contact with my son, trying to find money to finance the Resistance... things like that.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Luke said. “Ben caused a lot of trouble to us all.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Fortunately,” she said, “I have support.” The holo-image cleared more and two more people appeared next to her.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Han! Chewie! I really missed you!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Luke,” Han said. “I missed you too buddy.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Chewie also let a sound in Wookie.</span>
</p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>Outside visual range Poe, Asterix and Obelix were listening.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Chewbacca said he has missed Luke and their adventures together,” Obelix said. Poe ans Asterix looked at him, eyes widened in shock.</span></p>
<p>“<span>How do you know that Obelix?” Poe asked. “Do you speak Wookie?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It is actually easy. Chewbacca and Idefix speak almost the same language.” Idefix barked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes Idefix,” Obelix said, “I know Chewie's accent isn't Gaulish enough. It's only because he lives in a Galaxy far, far away.”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>“<span>Yes Chewie,” Luke said. “I missed you too.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>So many adventures together,” Luke said. “The Death Star, the second Death Star, the third Death Star...”</span></p>
<p>“<span>The third Death Star?” Leia asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh yes,” Luke replied. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>Behind Leia's back, Han put his index finger on his lips, signaling Luke to remain quiet. But Luke kept talking anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>The third Death Star,” Luke said, “is a casino with in Canto Bight. In fact, it is shaped like a Death Star. A few years ago Han, Chewie and I...”</span></p>
<p>“<span>A casino?” Leia said, eyes widened in surprise. “Did you go to a casino Han? You had promised me you would stop gambling when we got married.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It was just for a moment honey,” Han said. “You know, to make money after we sold the Millennium Falcon. After all, we need to fund the Resistance.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Exactly how much did that moment last Han?” Leia asked, a bit furious.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Only... two...”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Minutes?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>No.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hours.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>No.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>DAYS?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Weeks...” Han whispered.</span></p>
<p>“<span>WEEKS Han? You spent two weeks inside a casino? I can't believe that!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Han said. “But we won in the end, didn't win Chewie?” Chewie nodded.</span></p>
<p>“<span>How much did you win Han?” Leia asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>We entered the casino,” Han proudly said, “with five thousand credits. We exited it with... more than five thousand!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>How much more exactly?” Leia asked, more than a bit skeptical.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Ten,” Han replied.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Ten thousand credits?” Leia said. “Or just ten credits?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Well,” Han said, “it was... the latter.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Just ten credits after two weeks Han?” Leia facepalmed.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Well, there was competition and the other players were you know... competitive. And besides I was out of practice because for all those years I listened to you and didn't practice my gambling skills!” Leia was speechless.</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>Meanwhile, Poe, Asterix and Obelix – and Idefix – had burst into laughter. It was always fun to see spouses bickering. (Luke had wisely kept their image blurred and their voices filtered in order not to spoil the fun).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the other hand, they hadn't come there for bickering. With a heavy heart Luke decided to interfere.</span>
</p>
<p>
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<p>“<span>Your idea to start knitting and sell pullovers was not exactly successful either,” Luke said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hey,” she replied. “I had no permit to sell in the major markets so I chose... minor ones.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>But they were in the desert Leia,” Luke said. “It is hot there. Nobody buys pullovers there. Do you think I ever wore a pullover when I was in Tatooine?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I hoped they would wear them as a fashion statement,” Leia said, more than a bit embarrassed.</span></p>
<p>“<span>They don't care about fashion either,” Luke said. “They have more basic needs to cover: not to die from thirst, hunger, a shot in the back, a direct hit by the Death Star. You know, simple things.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What can I say,” Leia said. “We don't have good business ideas.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hopefully, Amilyn will do better than us,” Han said. “Her idea with the hair salon spaceship was really good.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Leia said. “But unfortunately, she has difficulties. For some reason hair dye have become very expensive.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>How so?” Luke asked.</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>Meanwhile in Starkiller base...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>The inspection went well General,” Snoke told Armitage Hux. “The Starkiller weapon worked, the base was clean, the garbage compactors were dirty, the stormtroopers were in attention and you had a good taste in music.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh you mean the Cacofonix CD,” Hux said. “Yes, it has an authentic artistic quality that is both subtle and powerful. Its combination of different kinds of instruments...”</span></p>
<p>“<span>No,” Snoke said, “I mean it is good for torture.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, that too Supreme Leader. It is also good for relaxation.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>By the way,” Snoke said. “Do you have any room in the base? We need to store some barrels of hair dye here.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Well,” Hux asked, “how many barrels?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>About ninety million,” Snoke said. “We bought all the hair dye we could in the Galaxy.” Hux's eyes widened in surprise. </span></p>
<p>“<span>I see,” he said. “We are going to enter the hair salon business to better finance the First Order.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>No it's not that,” Snoke said. “Hair dye mixed with fuel changes the color of the exhaust fumes.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>For instance,” Aylo said, “if you mix red dye with fuel... you have red fumes.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>If you mix purple dye with fuel,” Bylo said, “you have... purple fumes.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Let me guess,” Hux said. “If I mix black dye with fuel, I have black fumes which are hard to spot and make our spaceships harder to detect.” Aylo, Bylo, Cylo, Dylo, Eylo, and Fylo looked at Hux, eyes wide in admiration.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hey,” Aylo said, “you figured it out immediately. You are very smart General.” </span></p>
<p>
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<p>“<span>Hair dye production is low,” Han said. “Or someone is buying a lot of it. In any case the quantity demanded greatly exceeds the one offered and that has increased prices.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes,” Luke said. “An increase in the demand or a decrease in the supply of a product moves the supply or the demand function. As a result the equilibrium point – in essence the intersection – between the demand and supply functions moves to a higher price point. It really makes sense from a microeconomics point of view.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, that's a fundamental law of economics,” Leia said. “Anyway, time to talk to the rest of you. Poe Dameron is there along with two... Gauls.” The image cleared and Leia could see Poe, Asterix and Obelix.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello there,” Obelix said. “You must be Leia Organa, you must be Han Solo and you must be Chewie.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Asterix and Obelix,” Leia and Han said. Chewie said something in Wookie, his native language.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Me a wrestler?” Obelix said. “No Chewie, I just do a lot of hunting and I also build menhirs.” Leia and Han looked at the Gaul in surprise. How could he understand Chewbacca? (Asterix, Luke Skywalker, BB-8 and of course Idefix already knew...)</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>Five seconds later, a very complex and detailed discussion begun between Obelix, Chewie and Idefix. Chewie was growling, Idefix was barking and Obelix was talking. Luke, Leia, Han Solo, Poe, and Asterix were stunned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After ten minutes the discussion was over.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>So to sum up Chewie,” Obelix said. “You don't know where Starkiller Base is, you don't have the people and the spaceships to attack it and you don't have the money to buy equipment. You know Armitage Hux visited Julius Caesar using teleportation technology and the only way to defeat him is for us to go to Earth and stop him from obtaining uranium.” Chewie nodded.</span></p>
<p>“<span>And you also believe that if we don't stop Hux, Hux will conquer the Galaxy and offer Caesar bombers to... bomb us.” Chewie nodded again.</span></p>
<p>“<span>That makes sense,” Obelix said. “You need not only bombs to bomb but also bombers.” Asterix and Poe nodded between them.</span></p>
<p>“<span>And you cannot come with us,” Obelix continued, “because you are too far away anyway, you don't have spaceships available, you need to help Leia find cold planets to sell her pullovers, you need to help Han Solo find casinos with incompetent players to win and finally you need to help Amilyn Holdo find cheap hair dye for her space hair salon.” Chewie growled in response.</span></p>
<p>“<span>So druid Panoramix, Asterix, Poe Dameron, Luke Skywalker, my dog Idefix, Poe's droid BB-8 and I are the only ones who can help right now.” Chewie gave him an enthusiastic growl.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Well, I suppose we can help each other,” Obelix said. “Can't we Asterix? Poe? Luke? BB-8? Idefix?” Asterix, Poe and Luke Skywalker nodded, BB-8 bleeped and Idefix barked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Thank you all for your help,” Leia said. “It was unexpected to seek for help and find it not in our Galaxy but in a Galaxy far, far away but every help is welcome nevertheless.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the conversation went smoothly. The most important part was Asterix giving Leia advice about knitting, advice </span>
</p>
<p>“<span>You need to use more than one color for variety,” Asterix said. “You can also knit scarfs. They are very popular in winter climates.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Thank you Asterix,” Leia replied, “I'll do that. It's good you know so much about knitting.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Winters are very cold in Armorice,” Asterix said, “so we have to dress well. Only Obelix has no problem because our magic potion gives you immunity from cold and its iffects are permanent on him.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes Asterix,” Obelix said, “but our druid still refuses to give me magic potion while he gives it to everyone else!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Speaking of the magic potion,” Leia said, “how effective is it?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It's very effective General,” Poe said. “Asterix gave me some in Jakku and I immediately returned to normal although I was almost unconscious buried in the sand.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It also enhances the powers of Force users,” Luke Skywalker said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>It could also help the Resistance,” Leia said. “Asterix and Obelix, how easy would it be for you to provide us with some?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What quantity are we talking about General?” Asterix asked. Leia told him.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The two Gauls looked at each other for some seconds.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>I think thirty Obelix,” Asterix said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>I think twenty Asterix,” Obelix replied.</span></p>
<p>“<span>More like twenty-eight.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Perhaps twenty-two. But I am open to negotiations.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Let's agree to twenty-five.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>OK General,” Asterix finally said, “it's twenty-five years for the necessary quantities.” </span></p>
<p>“<span>Twenty five... years?” Leia said. “OK then. Let;s stick with the original plan and stop the Caesar-Hux alliance on Earth.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>It was at that moment that BB-8 bleeped.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>We reached Jakku BB-8?” Poe asked. “Very well. General, Han Solo, Chewie, we have to salute you and continue our mission.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Goodbye Poe, Asterix, Obelix, BB-8... and Idefix,” Leia said. “Goodbye brother Luke. And may the Force be with you!”</span></p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>
  <span>Meanwhile on Jakku...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once more, the pirate with the missing teeth was scanning the horizon for threats. He looked at the sky, he looked at the desert sand, he looked at himself on a mirror (he was not a threat to the other pirates but he wanted to see whether he needed a shave), he looked at the other buildings on Jakku and in general he kept looking at things and people.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pirate was bored. His job was not physically tiring but doing the same thing every day, scanning the same area day after day made him sleepy. On the other hand, the only time his routine was broken was the day when two Gauls somehow reached Jakku. And not some ordinary Gauls but... Asterix and Obelix! (And Idefix...)</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>I p'efe' the 'outine,” he told himself. “Bo'ing but safe.” But once more, the Gauls were going to interfere with his routine.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later, the pirate heard a sound like the one a spaceship did. He looked at the sky, only to see something that looked like a purple menhir.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>The Pu'ple Men'hir,” he said. “The Gauls are back!” Immediately, he rung the bell.</span></p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>
  <span>Inside the pirate establishment, the one-eyed pirate captain listened to the sound of the bell. But this time, he was prepared.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Evacuation time,” he told his people. “Put the announcement on the door, enter the basement, lock the door... and keep very quiet!”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>After a few minutes, Luke Skywalker landed the spaceship on the ground.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>I used to be a pilot a long time ago,” he told Poe and the Gauls, “and I good one.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes Luke,” Asterix said. “Panoramix has told us about the Death Star.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I hadn't piloted a spaceship in years,” Luke said. ”It's good to be back in action.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>You did fine Luke,” Poe said. “You know, the Death Star attack is a case-study topic in the military academy.”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>A few minutes later two Gauls, one Jedi Master, a Resistance officer, one droid and one Gaulish dog reached the pirate establishment entrance.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Hey,” Obelix said. “There is an announcement on the door.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Dear customers,”</span> <span>Poe read. “We are sorry for being closed today because we have to conduct our monthly anti-flood training.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>These people are so polite,” Obelix said. “They said they are sorry. And they are so professional. They make monthy anti-flood training.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>But who does anti-flood training on a desert planet?” Poe said. “It never rains, there are no wells, rivers or oceans and the only water you can find is from moisture.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I know,” Luke said. “I was a moisture farmer in Tatooine many years ago. Nobody did such drills there. But enough with that. Asterix, where is the portal?”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>While our heroes were travelling through a hyperspace portal a lonely man was sitting on a beach. He had just taken a break from gathering salt.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>It is such a tranquil and quiet place,” he told himself. “The sounds of the waves and the wind are perfect to calm my mind... and a dog barking?”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked at a nearby cave. He knew there was a portal there, leading to a Galaxy far, far away. And he recognized the dog who had barked.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Idefix,” the man said and grabbed the dog who just exited the cave. “Did you bring Obelix with you?” One second later, the mighty Gaul exited the cave as well</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Panoramix,” Obelix said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Panoramix,” Asterix said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Panoramix,” Poe said. And...</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hello Panoramix!” Luke Skywalker said. “I am back!”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Welcome back to Armorice Luke!” Panoramix said and both men hugged each other.</span></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. A Jedi Master in Armorice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Luke, Poe, Asterix, Obelix, BB-8, and Idefix are in the Gaulish village. They decide to go to Rome to find a solution.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Phasma is back in Starkiller for a new assignement and Rose is trying to buy hair dye... from the pirates!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Welcome back Luke,” Panoramix said. “It's been a long time.”</p>
<p>“Yes Panoramix,” Luke Skywalker replied. “You haven't changed at all.”</p>
<p>“But you have Luke,” the druid said. “You have longer hair and a longer beard.”</p>
<p>“What can I say? It's all because I was in a lonely island without barbers.”</p>
<p>“That's right Panoramix,” Obelix said. “The island was so small it had no taverns, no restaurants and no other places to eat.”</p>
<p>“It was a small island indeed then,” Panoramix said.</p>
<p>“Anyway,” Luke Skywalker said, “I am here on a mission and you can perhaps help us. Needless to say, the less people learn about my presence here, the better.”</p>
<p>“Hopefully our villagers...” Asterix started saying, when a shout from behind him interrupted him.</p>
<p>“Luke Skywalker!” a man shouted. All eyes turned to look at him. He was... Cacofonix the bard!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The bard approached our seven heroes (three Gauls, two Galaxy people, one dog and one droid). He was full of enthusiasm.</p>
<p>“It' so good to see you here Luke,” the bard said. “I had been practicing for long.”</p>
<p>Poe Dameron, Asterix and Obelix – plus Idefix and BB-8 – gave Cacofonix a puzzled look. However, Luke Skywalker and Panoramix fully understood what the bard meant and what he wanted.</p>
<p>“Three years ago,” Luke explained, “I paid another visit to the village.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Cacofonix said. “It was when Asterix and Obelix were in Rome to free me from the Romans. I missed you then but I learned a lot about you and your wonderful job. I had never met a tour organizer for musicians in my life.”</p>
<p>“Well,” Luke Skywalker said, “it's a rare profession. There is a lot of competition and most people give up.”</p>
<p>“It's like bards,” Cacofonix said. “For instance, there is only one in this village. That means I am the best bard the village has!”</p>
<p>“I understand Cacofonix,” the Jedi Master said. “Now let me think of something for a moment.” Luke Skywalker closed his eyes and concentrated really hard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You see Obelix,” Cacofonix said, “a tour organizer like Luke will help me launch an international career. I can visit all cities in the Roman Empire and become a celebrity.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, the druid stopped. He looked around him, a bit confused. Then he looked at Poe, Asterix, Obelix, and Panoramix.</p>
<p>“I really need to leave,” he said. “I need to go to the forest and practice my music skills.”</p>
<p>“We understand Cacofonix,” Obelix said. “Goodbye.” The bard excused himself one more time and left. He passed next to Luke Skywalker, saluted him as well and kept going to the forest.</p>
<p>“What happened?” Asterix asked. “He seemed so happy to talk to Luke and now he left.” At exactly that moment, the Jedi Master reached them, a big smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Jedi Mind tricks,” Luke told the astonished Gauls. “They always work.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Asterix said, “but our concerns are far from over. The moment you and Poe enter the village, our villagers will surround us and keep asking questions till the night falls.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Luke said, “it happened to me three years ago. I had to tell them I am a tour organizer for musicians to get them bored. At least Cacofonix got interested and I gave him the music notes I had.”</p>
<p>“I wonder how would he play the 'Imperial March' with a bagpipe,” Poe said.</p>
<p>“I really don't want to find out,” the Jedi Master said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Meanwhile in Starkiller Base, Armitage Hux was listening to the 'Imperial March' performed by Cacofonix... with a bagpipe!</p>
<p>“It is so pleasant and invigorating to the ear, don't you think Captain?”</p>
<p>Captain Phasma nodded to pretend she agreed. Fortunately, her helmet had specialized noise-cancelling ear muffs. In theory, she should only use them in combat to absorb the sound of enemy explosions. But she found she could also use them in many other occassions: to sleep when people around her snored, to daydream while Hux made one of his boring speeches, to avoid listening to Cacofonix...</p>
<p>“It is... unique,” she only said.</p>
<p>“It is too bad I pulled you out of Sicily before you collected enough uranium,” he said. “But I have a special mission for you.”</p>
<p>“It is really bad such a thing happened,” she said. In reality, she wasn't sad for not accomplishing her mission. She was annoyed she would not visit Epidaurus and she would miss the works of Aristophanes, the famous Greek comedy writer.</p>
<p>“So, what exactly is our mission?”</p>
<p>“Well, you need to...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Unless we distract our villagers,” Asterix said, “they won't stop asking about Luke and Poe.”</p>
<p>“And the best way to do that,” Obelix said, “is if they fight.” Asterix and Obelix looked at each other.</p>
<p>“And they usually fight about Unhygienix's fish,” Asterix said. Both Gauls looked at Luke Skywalker.</p>
<p>“Tell me more details,” the Jedi Master said.</p>
<p>“Well,” Obelix said, “there is the village blacksmith named Fulliautomatix and...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Inside the Gaulish village... the blacksmith stopped working.</p>
<p>“I really need to go to Unhygienix,” he told his wife. She looked at him, puzzled but she didn't oppose him. A few seconds later, he was in front of the village fisherman.</p>
<p>“Good morning Unhygienix,” he said. “I really need to tell you something about... the freshness of your fish.”</p>
<p>“Oh really Mr. Fulliautomatix?” the fisherman said in a sardonic smile. “And what exactly is that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Idefix was standing on top of the village wall to observe the fight.</p>
<p>“Idefix says,” Obelix told the others, “the fight just started.”</p>
<p>“Let's wait for fifteen minutes,” Asterix said. “They will be unconscious by then.”</p>
<p>“It's good to see my Jedi Mind tricks work in this Galaxy,” Luke said.</p>
<p>Suddenly, a stray fish hit Idefix and knocked him out of the wall. The mighty dog fell but Poe Dameron catched him before he touched the ground.</p>
<p>“Who did that?” Obelix said and rushed to the village.</p>
<p>“It appears the fight will end sooner,” Poe said and let Idefix to the ground.</p>
<p>“Much sooner Poe,” Asterix said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Five minutes later...</p>
<p>“You may come in,” Obelix said, exiting the village. He was holding the unconscious bodies of Unhygienix and Fulliautomatix under his armpits.</p>
<p>Our heroes entered the village, only to observe a pile of unconscious bodies in the middle of it. All men and women of the village – except from Asterix, Obelix, Panoramix and Cacofonix who was practicing in the forest – were parts of the pile.</p>
<p>“I think you can leave these two Obelix,” Asterix said. Obelix looked at the two unconscious men he was carrying. Very gently, he put them on the pile.</p>
<p>“OK let's go to my hut,” Panoramix said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Inside the hut, our heroes discussed all new developments. They discussed about the alliance between Hux and and Caesar, the uranium Hux wanted to obtain and the fact they could only stop them on Earth.</p>
<p>“We know Romans have uranium,” Panoramix said, “but we don't know where. How will we locate it?”</p>
<p>“The only solution is to visit Rome,” Asterix said, “enter Caesar's palace and find clues there.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Obelix said. “We did that when we wanted to find his laurels. And this time we have allies!”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Asterix said. “Poe can be our driver and he is a good strategist”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Poe said. “I can drive everything, from chariots to spaceships.”</p>
<p>“And Luke can use the Force to help us,” Obelix said. “He can convince Romans to approach me to punch them.”</p>
<p>“And BB-8,” Poe said, “has equipment to detect radiation.”</p>
<p>“And Idefix,” Obelix said, “has a nose to detect Romans!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The preparations for the expedition soon followed. Panoramix found a shack to put BB-8 inside because a droid would attract too much attention in ancient Rome. He also prepared magic potion for Asterix, Poe, and Luke. (Once more Obelix tried to convince the druid to give him potion but once more the druid refused).</p>
<p>After one hour, everything was ready for the journey and our heroes went to the beach to find a passing ship to get them to Rome. (Poe could easily pilot a spaceship or an aircraft but such technology didn't exist back then and the portal was to narrow to bring a spaceship from Jakku.)</p>
<p>“I salute you,” Panoramix said. “Good luck... and may the Force be with you!”</p>
<p>That caused BB-8 to bleep and Idefix to bark in response.</p>
<p>“These Gauls are crazy?” Poe said.</p>
<p>“I really hope we find pirates Asterix,” Obelix said. “I haven't seen them in years. Where could they be?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Back in Jakku...</p>
<p>“No Mrs... Tico,” the pirate captain said. “We don't have brown, blonde, black and red hair dye.”</p>
<p>Sergeant Rose Tico was disappointed. How could Ninka, the hair-salon spaceship operate without hair dye? How could the women dye their hair? How could they raise money for the Resistance now?</p>
<p>“Do you have any hair dye left?” she asked.</p>
<p>The pirate thought for a few seconds. Suddenly, he remembered a shipment of hair dye he had purchased from a merchant back on Earth and transported it to Jakku through the hyperspace portal.</p>
<p>“We only have purple,” he said. “But my supplier says it is a very fashionable colour.”</p>
<p>“Really?” she said. “What is his name?”</p>
<p>“Ekonomikrisis,” the pirate said. However, the name meant nothing to Rose.</p>
<p>Rose thought of Amilyn Holdo, her boss and commanding officer of Ninka. Would she look ridiculus in purple hair? Probably, but who knows? Purple might become fashionable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey,” Obelix said. “I recognize that ship down there.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Asterix said. “It is Ekonomikrisis.”</p>
<p>“Our most reliable friend,” Obelix said. “You can always expect him to do the most profitable thing for him.”</p>
<p>A few minutes later, Ekonomikrisis' ship reached the beach. It had both sails and rows for propulsion. And as our heroes could see, it had lots of barrels tied on her deck along with something that looked like skis, like the ones people use for ski in the mountains or for ski in the water.</p>
<p>A ramp was lowered and a short and fat man exited the ship.</p>
<p>“Hello Ekonomikrisis,” Asterix said. “Welcome to Armorice.”</p>
<p>“Hello Asterix, Obelix, and Idefix. It's good to be back after so much time! I was on a business trip in the North Sea to sell olive oil from the Mediterranean and buy hair dye and winter equipment to sell back to Rome.”</p>
<p>“Allow me to introduce our friends from far, far away,” Asterix said. “Luke Skywalker and Poe Dameron.” Ekonomikrisis shook hands with both.</p>
<p>“Ekonomikrisis is such a reliable merchant,” Obelix said. “He always brings me olive oil and rosemary from Greece.”</p>
<p>“That's right Obelix,” the merchant said. “I've brought enough to last you for a year. It's on board the ship.”</p>
<p>“Hey Ekonomikrisis,” Asterix said, “since you go to Rome, can you take us with us?”</p>
<p>“By all means Asterix,” the merchant replied. “Come along!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Windsurfing and couch ‘borrowing’</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our heroes reach Rome thanks to Obelix's skills.</p>
<p>Phasma and her platoon were idling but Hux appears!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Just like most ships during the ancient times, Ekonomikrisis' one used two primary means of propulsion: wind power (sails) and human power (oars). And like every other ship of her time, she was much slower than a spaceship, something Poe Dameron disliked. (It happens when you pilot spaceships faster than light).</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>We are a bit slow,” Poe said. “I know I am used to faster speeds, speeds that sometimes exceed the speed of light. But can't we go any faster?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I am afraid not Poe,” Asterix said. “Our planet hasn't invented the technologies your Galaxy has yet. Only someone with superhuman strength could...”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Asterix suddenly stopped and exchanged a meaningful look with Poe. Both men turned their eyes and looked at... Obelix!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meanwhile, Obelix had an interesting conversation with Luke Skywalker.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>So it was at that moment,” Luke said, “that I realized I had a big problem.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>The pizza was ready but you the waiter had forgotten to bring a knife to cut it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>That's right Obelix. But fortunately, I had my lightsaber with me.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>That's great Luke. Lightsabers are so useful. You can cut pizzas with them, you can cut the wall in your house if you forget the keys, you can even use them in combat.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>It was at that moment that Poe and Asterix approached them with their idea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>Yes Asterix,” Obelix said. “We shall move very fast that way. Let's inform Ekonomikrisis.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Ekonomikrisis considered Asterix's point. If he let Obelix row, his rowers would remain idle and go to sleep. In other words, he would still pay them without them producing anything, making him feel like a sucker. On the other hand, if Obelix rowed, his ship would reach Rome faster and he would have to pay his crew for less days of work. </span>
</p>
<p>“<span>How fast do you want me to go Asterix?” Obelix said, after Ekonomikrisis had accepted his request.</span></p>
<p>“<span>The fastest you can Obelix,” his friend replied.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Obelix took a deep breath, put the oars in the water and started rowing. Within seconds, his hands were moving so fast not even a Jedi Master could observe them. The ship started moving, faster. Soon it was going five to ten times faster than a normal ship of the time would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was at that moment Poe Dameron saw the skis onboard and had an idea...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>According to its definition, a ski is a narrow strip of semi-rigid or rigid material that is worn under your feet like a shoe and you use to glide on snow. Skis are generally used by people in colder climates where snow is plenty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For Ekonomikrisis, skis were an interesting business opportunity. He would buy them from the people in the North who manufactured them and sell them to Rome for a substantial profit. After all, skis were unknown to Rome and he would face no competition.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the same time, Ekonomikrisis would use the profits from selling skis to buy goods the people on the North needed and sell them for even more profits. If he repeated the process a few more times, he would become wealthy!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the other hand, Poe Dameron had no interest in profits. But he really liked to enjoy himself and water skiing was a great way to do that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only reason people of ancient times never had water skiing was because boats and ships of the time were too slow. But with Obelix rowing, Ekonomikrisis' ship easily reached speeds exceeding a hundred miles per hour, more than enough for Poe's plan to work.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soon, Poe Dameron, Luke Skywalker, and Asterix became the first people on Earth to water ski!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Back in Starkiller Base...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma's platoon was inside the hyperspace portal room, officially to maintain it. Unofficially, Phasma wanted to avoid Hux's inspection. She and her platoon were too bored to polish boots and helmets, make their beds, stand in attention and endure the endless bullshit a military inspection has.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In reality, the portal needed no maintenance. But Phasma had no desire to tell the truth to her superiors. After all, who would dare ask Hux for confirmation? It was a bluff that Phasma and her troops had used dozens of times, always with great effect.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To pass their time, Finn did yoga lessons to his colleagues. Afterwards, the troopers took the texts the Stoic philosopher Athinaios had given them and tried to translate them.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>These texts are so difficult,” FN-2181.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Why do you say that?” FN-2182 asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>It is all Greek to me,” FN-2181 replied. (This phrase is very funny among English- speaking Greeks.)</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Finn picked up a scroll and started reading.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Here is the main idea,” he said. “According to Stoicism, all problems in life belong to one of the following categories: the ones you can do something about and the ones you cannot. Your focus should be on the ones you can do a thing about.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>That makes sense,” FN-2181 said. “For example, there is nothing we can do about Hux's orders. But we can do something about the way we respond to them. We cannot cancel his inspection but we can avoid it with a good excuse.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Exactly!” FN-2181 said. “That's what we are doing right now.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>It all makes sense now,” FN-2182 said.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was at that moment FN-2189 opened the door. He was standing outside it, supposedly to guard the room but in reality to keep an eye for Hux. Fortunately, it was their captain who had entered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Captain Phasma entered the room and collapsed on a couch her troopers had 'borrowed' it from somewhere. That surprised her a bit because she hadn't seen that couch before. Where had her troopers found it? She decided she was too tired to ask.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>What happened boss?” Finn asked while giving her a cup of espresso.</span></p>
<p>“<span>You are lucky you are not officers,” she told her platoon. “Hux had all officers follow him for hours while he and his visitor thoroughly inspected the base. They inspected everything: the barracks, the spaceship hangars, the anti-aircraft guns, the entire base.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Who has that visitor?” another stormtrooper asked.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Julius Caesar,” Phasma replied. “Hux invited him for a visit. He did so while we were still in Sicily. That's why we missed him and I only learned about him a few hours ago. That was also why Hux recalled us from Sicily, interrupting our vacation... our uranium operation there.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hux wanted to impress Ceasear” Finn said. “The silly stuff Generals play with each other.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>That's right,” Phasma said. “And the worst part? Caesar and Hux traveled around the base sitting on a repursorlift vehicle. The rest of us had to walk for hours. I think I have blisters on my feet. But that's not why I came here.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Why are you here boss?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Hux and Caesar will visit this room in five minutes,” she said. “I came here to warn you.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The moment Phasma mentioned the two Generals visiting, panic fell in the room. But soon, the highly-trained (in the art of 'borrowing' things and avoiding work) stormtroopers regained their calm and took action. Four of them picked the couch up, another grabbed the espresso machine and two more gathered the yoga mats. All of them headed for the portal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Three minutes later, all stormtroopers were back. In two minutes, Hux and Caesar would enter the room but they were ready.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>We hid the yoga mats and the espresso machine in Caesar's warehouse,” Finn told Phasma. “We put them inside a box there. Hopefully, he won't open it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What about the couch?” she asked. “Where did you hide it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>That was easy Captain,” Finn replied, a proud smile on his face. “We had 'borrowed' it from Caesar's palace and we just returned it to its place.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma was impressed. Her stormtroopers really knew their stuff: Hux's 'borrowed' coffee machine (long term), Caesar's couch (OK that one was short-term) and who knows what else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>YES GENERAL HUX,” FN-2189 shouted outside the portal room. Shouting was the only way for Phasma and the stormtroopers inside to prepare themselves for the unwelcome visitors.</span></p>
<p>“<span>Attention!” Phasma ordered the moment Caesar and Hux entered.</span></p>
<p>“<span>At ease,” Hux ordered. “I would like to introduce you to General Gaius Julius Caesar from Rome. He came to visit us.” Caesar nodded to the stormtroopers.</span></p>
<p>“<span>I found the technologies you use fascinating,” Caesar said. “Guns, aircraft, spaceships. I wish I had such technologies myself. I would crush all my opponents... including that small village in Gaul.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>We are doing our best General Caesar,” Hux said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>I am on my way to my palace,” he said. “You are my official guest for dinner, General Hux.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Thank you General Caesar,” Hux said. The two men stepped in the portal and left.</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>At least they didn't waste our time,” Phasma said when the two Generals had left. “</span></p>
<p>“<span>Wait for ten minutes, enter the portal and get the yoga mats and the espresso machine back.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>What about the couch?” Finn asked. “It is such a comfortable one. I could sleep on it for hours.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Let's not press our luck,” Phasma said. “With Caesar, Hux and who knows how many legionnaires in the palace, steal... I mean 'borrowing' a couch is too risky.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>At least the inspection is over,” Finn said. “Anything good for dinner?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>No, unless you like canned beans.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Finn hated canned beans. They were very 'gaseous' and made him fart all the time. That was especially problematic when he wore a stormtrooper's uniform because the gases were trapped in it and reached his helmet and his nose! (That is one reason why stormtroopers are not exactly praised for their marksmanship skills.)</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>If only someone brought us a wild boar!” he wished. </span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Two minutes later, the stormtroopers were back, carrying the yoga mats and the espresso machine. And two of them were carrying... a cooked wild boar!</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Where did you find it?” Finn asked, his eyes widened in surprise.</span></p>
<p>“<span>The moment we returned the couch, a couple of palace servants passed in front of us carrying the boar. We hid behind a curtain and waited. Fortunately, the two men stopped because the head cook ordered them back to the kitchen.</span></p>
<p>“<span>The boar was in front of us. It smelled so nice. It was so tempting. We could not leave it there alone, so we took it with us.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>I am sure Hux and Caesar will find something else to eat,” Phasma said. “After all, they usually cook ten times more food than what they eat. Why to let that boar go to waste?”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In Caesar's palace...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>Strange,” a servant said. “The boar is missing. Who took it?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>A soldier probably,” his colleague said. “I suppose their dinner sucked.” (Canned beans for dinner are not exactly a favorite among stormtroopers).</span></p>
<p>“<span>That boar can feed an entire platoon.” (And it soon would. Phasma and the rest of her platoon only waited for Finn to bring knives, forks, plates, and wine.)</span></p>
<p>“<span>Should we look for the boar? Should we report its loss?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Oh, never mind. We have three more boars in the kitchen. And I don't think Caesar and his guest eat that much.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Besides, if we report the loss, they might accuse us for stealing it.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>As far as I am concerned, the boar is gone. It is as if it went to a Galaxy, far, far away.” (There is so much truth in this statement!)</span></p>
<p>“<span>Good luck boar eaters whoever you are.”</span></p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“<span>And the best part,” Finn said, “is the wine. It perfectly matches the taste of the wild boar.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Not to mention the olive oil and the rosemary,” Phasma said.</span></p>
<p>“<span>This is the favorite food of the Gauls,” FN-2181 said.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma immediately smiled. She remembered her beloved Gaul Obelix.</span>
</p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>Speaking of Gauls...</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>OK Obelix,” Ekonomikrisis said. “We have reached Rome. You need to slow down.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>But why Ekonomikrisis?” the mighty Gaul asked. “Rowing is such a nice and relaxing activity.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>There are Roman ships patrolling the sea. If we go too fast, they will fine us for speeding.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Is that a problem Ekonomikrisis?”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Yes, because I will have to pay them money and you know how much I hate paying in general.” (Yes, Ekonomikrisis is a bit stingy.)</span></p>
<p>“<span>OK,” Obelix said. “Who knows, in the future the authorities might fine people for speeding on the road.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Who knows?” the merchant said. “Perhaps if people of the future create machines that use that black Arabian liquid named petrol. Anyway, I am going to tell your friends we have arrived.”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>“<span>Surfing on the water is so nice,” Asterix said. “I wish I had done it earlier.” They had spend most of their journey windsurfing. </span></p>
<p>“<span>Too bad Earth still has no speedboats,” Luke Skywalker said. “But people will invent them in the end.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Ekonomikrisis is signaling us,” Poe Dameron said. “I think we have reached our destination.”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>One hour later, the Phoenician merchant docked his ship in the harbor closest to Rome. Obelix volunteered to help unload the cargo while Poe, Asterix, and the Jedi Master bought some food to offer their beloved friend.</span>
</p>
<p>“<span>I am going to stay in Rome for a week,” the merchant said, “or a bit more. I need to sell those skis and that hair dye. Hopefully purple is still in fashion.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Alright Ekonomikrisis,” Asterix said. “Good luck with your business.”</span></p>
<p>“<span>Good luck with your mission Asterix.”</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>After a stop for breakfast, where Obelix ate twenty chicken (he usually eats five but he burnt a lot of calories rowing), the Gauls, the Resistance officer, the Jedi Master, the mighty droid and the mighty dog took one of the roads leading to Rome. (It didn't matter which one because as the saying says all roads lead to Rome).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While walking, Poe Dameron noticed a number of wealthy women had purple hair. It was probably the latest fashion in Rome. Had Ekonomikrisis started a new fashion there just to sell his hair dye? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Poe wondered how Amilyn would look with purple hair. His conclusion? He preferred her blonde. (Hopefully, nobody will ever make a movie where Amilyn has purple hair and is less that very friendly and very polite towards Poe. That would really make Poe mutiny.)</span>
</p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>After some hours of walking, our heroes reached the walls of Rome. Hundreds of people were entering and exiting the city that was the capital of an Empire. Merchants were trying to sell their stuff, politicians were trying to convince their voters to vote them again, a Roman General named Julius Caesar was trying to bribe some potential allies...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
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<p>… <span>and a Jedi Master was entering the walls of the mighty city for the first time.</span></p>
<p>“<span>And this is where our adventure begins,” Luke Skywalker said.</span></p>
<p>
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<p>
  <span>End of Part One... But there is also Part Two!</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it folks! After long delays I finished Part One. I had some ideas for more but they were too many so I decided to write a trilogy. </p>
<p>Special thanks to Pan_2000 for the comments and the feedback.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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